When my husband first left me with a text message, I was outraged. I felt impotent, my voice stolen from me just when I had so much to say to him. How could he leave me and give me no answers? How could he disappear and not let me talk? For months, I sought solace in the thought that I would be able to take the stand in the felony bigamy trial against him and again in the civil divorce case. I held tight to the thought that he would have to face me then. Then I would have my say. Then I could have closure.
As events unfolded, I learned the bigamy would be settled with a diversion and no trial would be forthcoming. The divorce ended much the same way; I saw him, but was not allowed to speak to him.
So, there I was. Eight months had passed since the fateful day. The two opportunities I saw for closure had come and gone. I was at a crossroads; I could either come to terms with never having closure, or I could seek closure within myself. I chose the latter.
The problem was, even though I had committed to a path, I had no idea how to move forward. I thought about what would need to be true for me to not be stuck in the past, mired in the muck created by the whole experience. First, I realized that I would need to find a way to reframe the experience in a positive light. That naturally paired with the wellness journey that I was on and that I help to guide others along as well. I would need to have a clear picture of who I was in the marriage and what I could learn from going forward. I knew that I would need to take back my voice, not to talk to him, but to share my story in a way that could help others. Finally, and most importantly, I realized I needed to soften towards him, replacing some of the anger with compassion. That last part was the hardest (and sometimes still is).
As I worked on these goals, I found that I began to develop a peace about what happened. It gave me ownership and took me out of victimhood. It shifted the power to me and I no longer needed him to find closure and move forward. I found closure within.