I’ve never been one to believe in soul mates. Even when my 22-year-old self said “I do” to the man I thought was perfect for me, I didn’t perceive him as “the one.”
And that idea may have saved me.
Because when the man-who-wasn’t-the-one decided to leave the marriage with a text message one day, I believed that I could create a happy marriage again and that I wasn’t merely a victim of fate.
There’s an allure to the idea of a soul mate, the belief that there is one person that is your perfect companion. The idea brings peace when relationships end (it’s over because he/she was not the one) and serves as a beacon of hope that everything will be okay once the right person enters your life.
We like the idea of a predestined partnership.
It’s romantic. It’s encouraging.
But it’s also limiting at its best and damaging at its worst.
Here are five ways that your belief in a soul mate is holding you back.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 
I believed in soulmates at 22. At 23 I had to decide not to because I was so supremely disappointed in someone who had such potential to be my soulmate. So by the time my husband came along I was not a believer in soulmates. I *chose* him over the ex “soulmate” who had an epiphany and turned up asking to marry me!
Sometimes I look back and wonder if that man really was, and if my decision to give up on him and choose someone who seemed to love me more, even if he wasn’t as good a “match” was my mistake. But then I remember how much the behaviour during the affair reminded me of that first boyfriend. They weren’t so different. Many people aren’t that different. Yes, we were a better match of ticks in boxes, but he could well have put me through the same hell one day.
Since I gave up on my “soulmate” at 23, my husband should be (and is) damned flattered I didn’t give up on him, after he did much worse things. At least it proves that soulmate or not, there is no such thing as safety.
So true. Security is an illusion we stubbornly grasp onto.
There are people who are more attuned to us then others. I wonder about the wisdom of marrying someone you don’t see as “the One” because it seems to point to the idea that relationships are merely transient and beyond our ability to shape.
I would never encourage anyone to believe in the Disney idea of true (fated) love and believe that kindred spirits is a better model than soul mates but to go into an intimate relationship thinking that it is going to end someday (and not in death either) looks like fatalistic thinking too.
Security is something we create. Alone or with someone or with many but it’s not an illusion. It’s a goal.