I shared these on my Twitter and Facebook pages, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t leave anybody out. A little laughter goes a long way!
Don’t Smile Until Christmas
“Don’t smile until Christmas,” I heard a seasoned teacher explain to a first-year educator while we were awaiting the arrival of the students on the first day.
It’s a common nugget of advice amongst educators – be strict in the beginning and then allow yourself to relax once the students understand (and hopefully follow) the rules.
It’s a common nugget of advice that I have intentionally ignored for the duration of my career. In fact, I actually aim for the opposite, trying to smile as much as possible in the beginning. Let me explain.
There are essentially two ways that you can get a gaggle of teenagers to do what you want them to do (for the most part, at least) – You can use a fear of consequences to hold them in place. Or, you can use the power of relationships to make them want to rise to please you.
The first approach is easy. At least in the beginning. You simply project an aura of power and dominance over your classroom domain and ensure that the students are aware that they are lacking in power. It takes no time, other than the investment needed to swiftly mete out consequences for any infractions. And it often works. At least to a point. To an outside observer, the students appear to be doing what they should.
But inside they’re often rebelling. Only they are too afraid to show it.
And so they wait. And in that first moment that their teacher shows any weakness, any vulnerability, they often pounce. Trying to regain some of the power over their own environment. It ends up a crazy dance with the teacher afraid of what the students might do if given space and the students afraid of the teacher. It’s a precarious balance.
The second approach requires an enormous investment of time and energy in the beginning. Rather than crown him- or herself the reigning sovereign, the teacher seeks to build relationships with the students from the beginning. Not with the goal of being seen as “nice,” but with the intention of seeing the swarm of students as individuals and allowing them to see their teacher as human as well.
And the effect of that relationship can be amazing. Students that never cared about their own schooling, all of a sudden exert more effort because their teacher cares about them and they in turn, care about how their teacher perceives them.
The most powerful consequence can become simply the words, “I’m disappointed in you.”
Not only does this approach require time, it also requires courage. It means that the teacher does not attempt to hide his or her vulnerabilities. It means that classroom power is not reserved only for the one with the biggest desk. And it means a release of control, accepting the limitations of influence over another.
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Relationships of a different nature often follow one of these two pathways as well. I see so many people approaching dating with the, “Don’t smile until Christmas” attitude, laying down their requirements with an iron fist and staying safely tucked behind their walls. They seek to control in order to limit risk. They want to wield power in order to limit the potential for pain. They assume the worst and react before any action.
They believe they are in the driver’s seat of the relationship, but really fear has the wheel.
And maybe it can work for a time. After all, fear is a powerful motivator.
But it’s also a precarious balance. After all, fear keeps us small and often we’re rebelling inside. Just waiting for an opportunity to try to regain some power.
It’s harder to approach relationships from a place of less-than-complete control. It’s scary to accept the limitations of influence and the possibility of loss. But it’s also amazing what can happen when people are allowed and encouraged to grow.
Why wait until Christmas?
Smile first.
Assume the best of people.
And just maybe, you’ll get it.
Avoiding Loss
I have to laugh at myself.
My new car came with a 3 month free subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio. I’m very familiar with the service, as it fell under the “must have” umbrella for my ex. For the two years that I had it in my old car (he “needed” the family plan to have access in all the points he wanted, so service for my car – and the hand-me-down system from his upgrade – were essentially free), I grew to really love it.
But I never loved it enough to pay for it. When he left, so did my service and I returned (and adapted) to world of free radio.
But now I have free access to the good stuff for three months. A normal person would enjoy the heck out of it for the 12 weeks and then quickly brush off its cancellation at the end of the term.
I’m not normal.
I don’t want to adapt to the better programming again only to lose it within a short period. And so I’m pretending that I don’t even have the option of the service. I’ve been very happy without it for the past six years. In fact, when it’s not right in front of me, I’m not even aware that I’m missing anything.
I enthusiastically embrace much of life with all of its loss potential (I’m looking at you, love and marriage), but I just can’t stomach the though of inflicting another needless loss on myself.
Been there. Done that. And I’ll pass on a repeat, thanks.
This post is not Sirius-approved. I don’t think their marketing department envisioned this outcome with their inclusion in every new Kia purchase. Sorry, guys:)
Escape Valves
I couldn’t help it. Giggles burst from my lips like foam spilling out of an over-filled latte.
I had been taking my Yin yoga class seriously up until the point where the instructor, usually calm and serious, mentioned the human nature of moving away from the stretch. I inwardly groaned at the first escape from the discomfort she mentioned – leaning the body over to the right to release some of the tension on the psoas – as I shifted my own weight back to the left to fully face the stretch. But then I had to laugh as she continued to mention two other common ways that practitioners lessen the intensity.
And I was doing both of them.
She described this human tendency to avoid discomfort as seeking an escape valve. A way to reduce the pressure and lower the harshness of an experience.
And it really is universal, isn’t it. We try to avoid pain or even unease on the yoga mat. In relationships.
And even in our own minds.
It makes sense. At a basic level, we are programmed to avoid pain in order to protect the body and stay away from dangerous objects and situations. Pain is an important sensation. It tells us to remove our hand from the hot stove or to stay off a broken ankle so as not to cause further damage. Relational pain sometimes informs us that we are in an unhealthy or even dangerous environment and provides the encouragement to leave. Internal pain flares when we neglect our own innate sense of right and wrong and serves as a wake-up call.
Those pains are intense. And the message they send is a critical one – stop what you’re doing now or you will only make it worse.
But often we confuse pain with discomfort. It makes sense to seek to avoid pain.
Yet it frequently it makes sense to embrace discomfort.
On my yoga mat this morning, my breath hitched as I leaned into the stress, shutting off the escape valves. If asked, I would have replied in that moment that I was in pain.
But I really wasn’t. In fact, as I breathed into the psoas and relaxed the surrounding muscles, the position lost its intensity and I was even interested in exploring the pose further. By facing the discomfort, I was able to reduce the discomfort.
Without the instructor’s prompting, I would never have faced the initial discomfort. Unconsciously avoiding even the merest suggestion of pain. And as a result, I would have unwittingly nurtured that area of tightness, allowing it to grow unrestrained.
It doesn’t feel good to feel uncomfortable. But that’s often exactly where we need to be.
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I see the use of escape valves all the time in people facing the end of a relationship –
They decide that they should be over it by now and push it out of their conscious mind. Yet no matter how much you push it down, it always resurfaces until the lessons are released.
They try not to think about their ex or the end because doing so creates pain. Yet trying to avoid the thoughts only makes the thoughts grow more powerful. If they are addressed as they arise, they fail to grow.
They look to distractions to escape the inevitable pain of the end of a relationship. Yet the distractions only work for a time and the pain is patient.
They downplay the impact of the end on their well-being, pretending that it really doesn’t bother them. Only their acting out in other ways belies their assertion.
——————–
The pain at the end of a relationship is more the discomfort from the yoga mat than the agony of a hand on a hot stove. If you face it and work with it, it will begin to release.
Opening an escape valve feels good in the moment. And sometimes, when the pressure is too great to bear, it may be needed. But if you find that you constantly need escape valves, maybe it makes more sense to repair the basic system.
(Note: There is a very important distinction between ruminating and processing. Ruminating would be like taking the yoga pose just to the edge of the pain and then tensing up, holding the breath and staying in pain. Not fun and also not going to get you anywhere. Processing is more like moving through the pain: understanding, exploring, softening, opening and finally releasing.)
Progress
I am now exactly one week away from the start of the school year. Last year at this point, I wasn’t doing very well. In fact, I was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum, singing the back to school blues.
And, I’m happy to report that I’m handling this much better this year. No crying. No pouting. And (dare I admit it?) even a little excitement to begin a new year.
Although, I am instituting a ban on all school-related work or thoughts for the next 7 days:)
Here’s to progress! Big and small:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 