Guest Blog: The Stages of Recovery From the Women Who Made It

MEET ME – A NEW LIFE

I married the nicest man in the world a year after my divorce, and I feel like I finally understand love and marriage. I finally get why it’s such a great institution! But, before that, marriage was tough. My first husband frequently told me he’d never loved me, asking me how I could expect him to love this (glaring down at me as I cried in a heap and begged him to see the good in me). But, I loved him and I wanted to make it work. I believed in fixing the broken, not tossing it.

How do you feel right now?

Human again after a very long time. I feel loved, more peaceful. But, I also have scars and still, more than three years later, have to pep-talk myself out of negative thinking patterns and past hurts from my first marriage. I sometimes feel overwhelmed with feelings of fear that it’ll all happen again and I’ll lose everything I love.

Was your divorce expected? Why or why not?

Not at all. He’d threatened in arguments, but I thought that was the anger talking. I made excuses for him – he’d had a tough childhood, he’d never learned to communicate feelings, he’d never known real love. But, I always thought that my loyalty would be his safe place to land after it all.

What do you remember feeling or thinking first?

The first thing I thought and said was, “What have you done?! How could you do this to God?” I thought it was a one-time thing until I started asking questions and realized that it wasn’t. I couldn’t gather my thoughts. I just needed to get away from him. I tried to pack clothes and phone my best friend, but I was confused, and ended up tossing random clothes into a massive cooler box. On the drive to my friend, I was hysterical; calling another friend to speak the words for the first time. Her stunned silence felt like a punch in itself. It made the pain real, tangible. This was unbelievable.

Have you worked through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? If not, where are you at the moment?

I didn’t experience all of them. I never had denial – on that day, everything became clear. I think the denial was during my marriage. I also didn’t bargain, what was the point of that? But, I had the anger and the depression with liberal doses of panic attacks and anxiety. One of the attacks was so bad that I collapsed in a supermarket, blacking out. I came around with a mom holding her tiny baby while rummaging through my bag, asking if I was on medication, if there was something she could give me. It was humiliating and undignified, but it felt like it had taken over, there was nothing I could do to stop those emotions from flooding my body.

How do you feel about your ex right now?

Kind of neutral. I think that what he did was disgusting and unnecessary and I don’t have another person in the world that’s caused me that kind of hurt. So, I never want to be friends with him or to ‘make nice’.

What has surprised you during the break-up or how have you surprised yourself?

I couldn’t believe how naïve I’d been, how much I’d trusted someone that had actually been deceiving me for years. But then, I was also surprised when I learned so much about myself. I wasn’t as strong as I’d always thought, and I really needed a lot of help and support to make better decisions.

My friends were amazing, I couldn’t have done it without their support, shoulders and, sometimes, tough love. But, it also surprised me who drifted away at this time. I guess some people can’t handle the kind of support you need at that time, which is OK too. But, the friends that were there for me will absolutely always be in my heart and I would do anything for them.

What goals have you set for the next 6 months?

Well, I’m remarried, now a mom, and really busy with my own work. I’d like to do a course in fiction editing, and I’d like to get fitter. Much, much fitter.

What has been your time-out when things get too much?

Music, movies and friends. I believe that you need to find your thing and indulge in it during the days, weeks and months after the trauma of a divorce. BUT, it shouldn’t be something that will damage you in the long run – drinking too much, eating too much, dating the wrong kind of people just for the quick-fix to your ego. This is a time of serious self-examination and exploration.

If you knew then what you do now, what would you do differently?

I would keep the end in sight. I would remember that things will get better, even when it felt like I would never crawl out of that dark hole. And I would definitely not have had a brief rebound relationship that I thought was the real deal.

What advice do you have for others that may be at the beginning of this rough road?

It gets better. At first, the days are almost impossible to survive. Then, they pass and you realize it’s been a week, two weeks, a month. And, while the moments of darkness and anxiety still overwhelm you at times, you look back on the first days and realize you’re better than then, even if only a little. You’ll crawl some days, maybe not even able to discern that you’ve moved an inch forward. But, you did, and you’ll keep on moving a little forward every day. One day, you’ll catch yourself just being a tiny bit of yourself again. You’ll feel hungry or you’ll laugh out loud or you’ll sing along to a song you love. And that’s usually when it dawns on you that you’re going to survive this. Until then, my advice would be to remember that that day is coming.

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