Guest Blog: The Stages of Recovery From the Women Who Made It

MEET A – IN A RELATIONSHIP

A’s been divorced for about 11 months and has just started her first relationship after having been married for 10 years. At the moment, she is enjoying those familiar butterflies, but she knows the heartache of a divorce that followed a tough marriage that didn’t give either of them what they needed.

1. How do you feel right now?

I feel like myself again. Confident, motivated and upbeat about my future. At the same time, though, I am also very wary that I am starting a new relationship, as I don’t want to lose myself and get hurt in the process. I want to keep a hold of these content emotions I am feeling.

2. Was your divorce expected? Why or why not?

Yes, to a degree. I had felt for quite a few years that my partner and I had drawn away from each other emotionally and physically. Things between us were tense and difficult. But, I didn’t expect for it to be so quick. I didn’t expect the fact that it was so easy and painless for him. At the point that he had decided it was over, I still had a great deal of ground to cover emotionally with accepting it. He had already been thinking of his way out months ago. And it was for that reason that I spent many weeks and months in denial, trying to get him to see how much I loved him, and then realizing that, without even being aware of it, I had been trying to convince him to stick around for years, feeling inadequate and overcompensating to get him to see what he had because I didn’t know that I could be alone. When I realized I’m not who and what he wants….that was a hard, bitter pill to swallow.

3. What do you remember feeling or thinking first?

This is it! It’s happening. I had thought about it, considered it, especially because he threatened it every time we argued. I can still hear his raised voice in my head “I can’t do this anymore!”, ” I’m over it!” Some days, I thought, “but how can I go on without you?” And then, I slowly started to realize he was being serious, he wanted out and I had to get my head around it. “OK, what now? What I am going to do?” The feeling of being alone was so deep and hurtful. Hearing the words, “I don’t love you” screamed at me. It was a sucker punch to the gut. I didn’t know how to do this on my own. I felt completely and utterly abandoned. I didn’t feel strong enough to leave my life behind.

4. Have you worked through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? If not, where are you at the moment? Yes I definitely have,

YES!! I personally never felt I had the anger, though, it was more grief.

I feel happy, though, that I have healed and feel that I have dealt with the skeletons in the closet. I’m ready to move into the future by bringing value to this new endeavor based on learning from past hurt and pitfalls. I feel that it’s important to know that I have dealt with the hurt and betrayal so that I am able to separate the new man I have from the faults of the previous one.

I don’t want to bring the bricks, as it were, from my previous relationship to build the foundation of the next one in the way of trust issues and insecurities that were only there because I was with the wrong person. It’s important to me to know that I have dealt with that deep trauma of the loss of my previous marriage, as it provides clarity. I can now recognize, not only my own weaknesses, but also my worth and the value that I can bring to someone else’s life.

I didn’t set a time limit to healing, but rather gave myself the freedom to really feel the hurt, process it, and then pick myself up and move forward.

5. How do you feel about your ex right now?

I feel pity for him. He jumped straight into the next thing that came along and I don’t think he has processed his feelings properly or allowed himself time to just be on his own. I also feel sorry for him because I don’t think he knows what real love feels like, what it feels like to want to be a better person for someone you love. Other than that, I feel nothing for him, really. It’s like the feelings I once felt for him are now numb and vacant.

6. What has surprised you during the break-up or how have you surprised yourself?

It surprised me how easy it was for him. While I was falling apart in every sense – the hyperventilating, the anxiety attacks, the sleepless nights – he was calm and collected, and so distant. He carried on like nothing was going on, putting up a front to the point where no one he was close to expected it.

It surprised me that he felt I would be better off without him, he always told me. I see that now. I have surprised myself by realizing that I can move on and I DID IT. I’m an independent free agent with a bright future. It surprises me now when I look back and realize how much he actually dragged me down and controlled me. So much of my baggage and insecurities were because of him.

And now, after processing the hurt, I’m surprised at how easy I find it to be alone and actually long for my afternoons where I get to just take a breather on my own, how I don’t mind sitting at a restaurant or coffee shop on my own without feeling awkward. It’s empowered me, and I’ve proved to myself that I don’t need him, I’ve never needed him.

7. What goals have you set for the next six months?

To get to know and spend enough time getting to know the new man in my life, making sure that I’m being balanced with giving of myself but not losing myself, holding onto to my identity and managing my expectations.

I also want to leave full-time employment to pursue becoming a Pilates instructor and working flexible hours so I can have more freedom to live a more full meaningful life.

8. What has been your time-out when things get too much?

Music; finding songs that speak to me when I’m in a specific mood. Giving myself time to reflect by taking a walk on the beach, doing Pilates, or riding my mountain bike and escaping from the hustle and bustle by taking a road trip for a mini break to the countryside.

9. If you knew then what you do now, what would you do differently?

I would have left long ago!!!! I wouldn’t be scared to be strong and speak my mind, not suppressing my emotions. I would have stopped making excuses for the fact that he was a bad husband. I would have also taken the Evoc bike bag, and the pestle and mortar!

10. What advice do you have for others that may be at the beginning of this rough road?

Be kind to yourself! Be selfish, love and spoil yourself. Give yourself the freedom to wallow, FEEL each emotion, feel the hurt and break down! But pick yourself up and do just one positive thing each day to move forward in some small way.

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