Guest Blog: The Stages of Recovery From the Women Who Made It

MEET J – EARLY DAYS

J’s husband demanded a divorce six months ago and she got her papers around two months ago. She begged for an explanation, bargained, pleaded with him to come home, but got little more than flippant text messages that were sometimes hot, sometimes cold, sometimes sarcastic. He left her and their toddler without warning or explanation, leaving J (who works a corporate job full time to support their family) to pick up the pieces.

1. How do you feel right now?

Sad, lonely, depressed.

2. Was your divorce expected? Why or why not?

No, because I thought that the problems we were experiencing were not insurmountable and that it was possible to work through them with a bit of effort from both sides.

3. What do you remember feeling or thinking first?

Disbelief. Like it was surreal and that it would not actually happen. Desperation for him to change his mind.

4. Have you worked through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? If not, where are you at the moment?

I’m working through a few at the moment, but mostly depression.

5. How do you feel about your ex right now?

I’m mostly still angry at him.

6. What has surprised you during the break-up or how have you surprised yourself?

That the person that I look at now is totally different from the person that I married and how quickly that can happen. How my husband’s relationship with his daughter has changed, as he was a very hands-on father and now, although he does still love her, he puts his own needs first and prioritizes his time before hers.

7. What goals have you set for the next six months?

To find a new and stronger support group of genuine caring people, as well as to learn to overcome my biggest fear of being alone. I want to get to a place where I accept that it’s ok to be on my own sometimes and that I do not need to have other people in my life to make me happy.

8. What has been your time-out when things get too much?

I don’t get much of a chance to with a demanding job and a toddler but, when I am able to, going to gym has really helped me as a stress reliever.

9. If you knew then what you do now, what would you do differently?

I would never have married him to begin with, lol! But, honestly, I would have tried to communicate better so that I could gain more understanding of him as a person, which would have helped me to make a better decision at the time of getting married, as well as how to deal with him and his issues more appropriately.

10. What advice do you have for others that may be at the beginning of this rough road?

Know that it is going to be tough, know that people are not always going to be there for you like you so badly want them to but, nonetheless, speak out if it helps you so others know what you are going through.

Always make sure you have your ducks in a row regarding financial matters. If you have kids, speak to the family advocate for advice to put a set schedule in place before the divorce.

Never, EVER underestimate the person you married….you may think they are a kind, loving person, but they eventually do the things you thought they could NEVER do to you. The best advice I got from a friend is to choose your battles, you may want to rip the person’s throat out at the time, but keeping silent on occasion may help you in the long run when it comes to settlement.

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