Domino of Desire

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So the kitchen renovation is now basically complete. The planned replacements are installed – new cabinet veneer hiding the scars of old wood, the new counter tops and back splash taking the place of outdated pink tile and a fresh coat of paint now ties it all together.

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By far, the nicest kitchen I have ever had. I don’t think I’ve worked in my office since these counters were installed:)

According to our plan, all that is now needed is the replacement of the removed crown molding to match the molding throughout the rest of the first floor (Where somebody once decided it made sense to install three different sizes of crown. Why? For the love of all things mitered, who would ever think that made sense???).

But that’s just the plan. My suddenly domesticated and I-guess-this-is-what-they-call-nesting brain has other ideas. Because now that the kitchen is done, the Kroger-brand bottle of hand soap looks shabby on the counter. And speaking of counters, they needed a little color splash that didn’t fade as we eat the real fruit throughout the week.

And I even went way outside my usual path of maximum efficiency to fill and label pretty spice jars to put on my new spice shelves.

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And this domino effect isn’t just limited to the kitchen. The dining room finally had its horrific chandelier replaced (I think the old one was selected by the same owners that settled on the papa bear, mama bear and baby bear crown molding). And I just bought new end tables and art work for the family room with more extensive painting and decor work to take place over Christmas.

None of these details bothered me for the previous 2+ years we’ve been in the house. In fact, since one major area – the kitchen – was in pretty poor shape, we didn’t demand much from the rest of the space either.

But the kitchen project started a domino effect. By making improvements in one area, we’ve been inspired to continue those improvements to other spots.

And that’s often how life works, isn’t it? We acclimate and adjust to what is around us. Even if it doesn’t really make us happy.

And then a change is made. Maybe it’s something small, the life equivalent of repainting a wall. Or maybe it’s major, tearing down an entire edifice in order to make room for something new.

The contrast between the old and new is startling at first, perhaps highlighting the comfortable familiarity of the old while also pointing out where it has grown shabby (or even where it has always been lacking).

Unchecked, this domino of desire can wreak havoc on bank accounts and happiness, an endless tail-chase where each new element demands it be surrounded by comparable companions.

But when approached with a balanced mind and an understanding of the limits of external change, this chain of change can be used as an opportunity to examine where you have settled and where you have intentionally chosen the elements in your life.

Whether those elements be fake fruit on a counter, a career path, a city of residence or even a person.

Sometimes making one change is exactly what we need to prompt us to make more.

As for me and my kitchen-prompted changes, I promise I’m done after tackling the paint and pictures in the family room! I hope:)

 

 

Should I Wait Until After the Holidays to Ask For a Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holidays divorce

Sometimes the decision to divorce coincides with the arrival of the holiday season. In some cases, the decision has been made and the separating couple has to decide if they are going to keep the news a secret from friends and family until after the New Year.

And other times, the decision has only been made by one spouse and they face the difficult decision of telling their partner immediately or waiting until the holidays are past. It makes the process of asking for a divorce even that much more complex and painful when it happens to correspond with a season that is all about family and tradition.

So what is the right call? Do you tell your spouse before the holidays? Or do you keep your mouth shut and play the part until the season passes?

As you may suspect, there is no “right” answer, no one way to act. In fact, each option has its own pros and cons.

Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Before the Holidays

Pros

Possibility of Increased Support

In today’s world, families are often spread across the country. Your partner’s parents, siblings and even friends may live in different cities. The holidays are a time of gathering. And even if there is nothing planned, this is a time when people tend to be available and may be able to rally to support a person reeling from the realization that their marriage is over.

Natural Break From Work Demands

You have been processing this decision for a time, whereas it may come as a surprise to your spouse. The holidays often offer a break from work for a few days. Days that can be coming to terms with the new reality while they do not have to sit in a cubicle while wearing sunglasses to hide teary eyes.

No Pretending

If you have the discussion sooner rather than later, you are spared from the performance of “Everything’s Fine,” a challenging role to assume at any time and even more so when the entire world seems to be celebrating.

Cons

Impacts Any Family Traditions

The consequences of the announcement will be felt immediately and the aftershocks will spread. Any family gatherings will be altered, not only for you, your spouse and your children, but also for others in attendance. The holiday will become less about any celebrations and traditions and more about dealing with the immediate fallout of the end of the marriage. Obviously, this impact is most important to consider if you have children.

Changes the Meaning of the Holidays, Possibly Forever

Christmas, etc. will forever after be known as the “Season When My Husband/Wife Asked For a Divorce” (or, “When Mommy or Daddy Left”). That is a link that once made, cannot easily be undone.

Professional Support May Not Be Available

While family and friends may be more available, professional support – counselors, doctors and even attorneys – may not be on call. And there are some services that are best left to the professionals.

 

Waiting to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce Until After the Holidays

Pros

Maintains Family Traditions

The get-togethers and rituals are preserved for one more year, giving time for those impacted to adjust and prepare before the holidays circle around again. Comfort and restoration can be found in those traditions.

Calmer After the Holiday

The crazy, over-scheduled weeks leading up to the holidays often settle down dramatically once January arrives. And this can be important since divorce brings with it its own crazy demands on time, money and attention.

Potential of Lessened Guilt and Anger

By waiting to deliver the news, you may reduce the guilt you feel about announcing the end of your marriage and you may mitigate the anger that your spouse feels. This can make the following months more amicable.

Cons

Have to Fake It

If you keep the news a secret, you have to be willing and able to fake your marriage for a few weeks or months. This isn’t easy and, if your spouse sees through your act, can result in an ugly confrontation.

Spouse/Kids May See the Holiday as a Lie

When you announce divorce in January, it’s pretty clear to everybody that you were simply biding your time (after all, there’s a reason that it’s nicknamed Divorce Season). That realization can make your spouse and kids feel as though the previous holiday was a farce and they may wonder what else you deceived them about.

Waiting is Difficult if You Feel Compelled to Act

If you have been contemplating divorce for awhile and you’ve now reached a decision, you may feel driven to act upon your choice. You might find it difficult to stay patient and refrain from making forward progress on your decision while you wait for the calendar to cooperate.

 —–

The truth of the matter is that there is no perfect time to broach the topic of divorce. There will always be a birthday, an anniversary, a graduation or a major holiday just around the corner. Worry less about what is coming and focus more on the specifics of the conversation :

1 – DO be clear in your intent and your timeline.

2 – DO allow your spouse time to process and space to respond without being defensive.

3 – DO deliver the news with a counselor’s support, if needed.

4 – DO be kind. There is nothing to be gained by seasoning the news with insults and injury.

How to Have the Difficult Conversations

5 – DON’T allow the news to be a complete and total surprise; your spouse should know the relationship is in trouble first.

6 – DON’T deliver the news in a public location without any chance of privacy.

7 – DON’T expect a positive reaction. They will need time to adjust to the idea. Allow that time.

8 – DON’T proclaim divorce in anger. It’s not a barb to throw during a fight; it’s a deliberate and important major life decision.

The Best Ways to End a Relationship, According to Science

 

What If…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What might happen if you start with the belief that this just might be the best thing to ever happen to you?

Three Pieces of Divorce Advice I’m Sick of Hearing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So I am fully aware that this rant is somewhat hypocritical. After all, I frequently dispense divorce advice that may or may not apply to a particular situation.

But I’m aggravated. Annoyed. Tired of receiving, either in the form of an article or sometimes personally-directed, these three pieces of divorce advice that make absolutely, positively, no sense at all in the context of my experience.

And yet, even with my indignation, I have to admit there is some truth to this advice and it has modified my decisions in my second marriage. After all, what good are the hard times if we refuse to learn from them? 🙂

—–

“Before you file for divorce, gather the important paperwork and make your financial preparations.”

By the time the possibility of divorce had even flitted across my brain, my husband had disappeared and with him, all of the files that contained important financial information. Not only that, but he had changed the login information for online account access. Instead of having the option to prepare ahead of time, I was left piecing together a puzzle by following whatever financial breadcrumbs I could find. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was to have to contact the IRS for past returns with the explanation that my husband stole the originals?

Preparing your affairs ahead of time only works if you know (or suspect) that a divorce is heading your way. Now some may believe that you should always be ready for divorce because there is no way to know for certain that it is not around the next bend.

I refuse to live that way.

To be overly prepared for the worst and waiting for it to happen. Not only would it make me miserable in the moment, but it would lower the barrier for the worst to occur.

But that’s not to say I haven’t learned from the financial disaster I was left with. Because even though a dishonest con-man of a husband created the nightmare, my actions made his deceptions that much easier.

I now have my own accounts that my husband does not have access to. In the worst scenario, this means I would have access to my own money immediately and that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for it to be rerouted without my knowledge. I have the Credit Karma app on my phone and I check my status weekly. This protects from identity theft and fraud. From both outside and inside the marriage. I’ve made sure that the bills I’m responsible for are achievable on my salary alone, so that I could survive alone if I had to.

It’s a balance – I don’t have a “Divorce Preparation” folder stuffed and ready to go (even the thought makes me ill), but I also would not be as in the dark about my affairs if it came to pass.

“Mediation is the answer for a smoother, faster and less expensive process.”

I know. I hear it time and time again and, after seeing the inefficient and corrupt nightmare of the family court system, I think even trial by Knock Em, Sock Em robots would be preferable.

And, in fact, the judge ordered mediation in my case a couple months into the process. As part of the mediation, we were each given 30 days to produce some documentation.

I followed through.

He never did.

And that delay, along with the fees associated with the paperwork and communication, ending up costing me an additional $10,000, give or take a few drops. And this was preventable if only the judge had reviewed the evidence that clearly showed that my husband would not play by any rules, even those enforceable by law.

Yet even though mediation was never an option in my case, I still regret this one thing I did. If I had to do it all over again, I would certainly not make that mistake again.

And I also kept this idea in mind when dating after the divorce. Part of the reason that mediation was never an option is that my ex did not posses the courage and character to address a situation head-on. He would rather lie and conceal than discuss and argue. I made sure that my second husband wasn’t afraid to face difficult truths.

“Divorce takes two.”

No. No. No. No.

Marriage takes two.

Divorce only requires one.

Well, I guess technically, I could have refrained from filing for divorce. Of course, then he would still be on my health insurance, he would still be a beneficiary of my life insurance and pension and I would still be legally liable for some of his shenanigans.

Umm…thanks for the offer, but hell, no!

I strongly believe that before a marriage ends in divorce, the marriage should be fought for.

But I also know that sometimes a person isn’t given the choice to fight.

And then, all you can do is cut your losses and walk away so that you can begin again.

I have learned from being blindsided. I now put more effort and attention into my marriage every day. It’s almost like I’m fighting for it even though it’s not in danger. After all, you don’t have to wait until a plant is wilted and browning to water it. Why wait to nurture your marriage?

—–

And I actually have one more gripe while I’m at it. This one isn’t really advice. It’s more a sweeping generalization turned platitude that exists in two opposite forms:

“Divorce is always terrible.”  or its rival, “Divorce is always wonderful.”

The truth is that divorce can be both terrible and wonderful.

It tears families apart and impacts kids for years down the road. It causes pain like no other and plants seeds of self-doubt that will form forests of negatively if left un-weeded. It funnels money from those who need it to the pockets of lawyers. The loss increases the risk of death for years to come. Yes, divorce sucks.

And divorce can also be the freedom from a terrible or abusive marriage. It often activates great personal growth and optimization. It provides clarity about what is important and allows opportunities to apply those lessons in building a new life. Divorce can teach our children about the importance of self-reliance and self-respect. Yes, divorce can be positive.

As one who has been there and is now in a better place, I am neither pro-divorce or anti-divorce. That decision is personal and can only be made from those within the marriage.

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

But I do know that divorce is not black and white. What starts out as the worst of times can lead to the best of times. And I also know that I never want to go through that again and so I also value marriage more than ever before.

And I also know that the majority of those dispensing divorce advice merely want the best for others. And I can’t get too irritated about that. 🙂

What We Can All Learn From “Married At First Sight”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The concept of this show fascinates me. It’s taking the concept of arranged marriage, adding the knowledge and support of psychologists and relationship experts and applying the mixture on modern singles who, by the very fact they are willing to take this risk, may not be very traditional. The show’s participants first must submit to hours of interviews and psychological tests in addition to a home visit before they are even considered. Then, when the producers have their potential partners narrowed down, the experts (a psychologist, a sexologist and a spiritual advisor) sift through the candidates in order to determine which ones would make good matches.

Not for a date.

Or even to live on an island together for a month.

But for a marriage.

A legally binding, til death do us part promise, delivered to a person they have never met.

Yikes.

Now, of course this is sensational. And extreme for most of us. But it’s also a very interesting social experiment that has some surprising elements of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Even good people may not make good spouses

It’s interesting to hear the experts debate about the candidates. They each have their own particular insight into personalities and insecurities. And they frequently will classify a person as a really good guy/gal, but pass them by because they are doubtful of their ability to make a good spouse.

There is a difference between being a good person and being a good partner. And that’s an important distinction to be aware of, whether you’re in the role of the good-person-but-not-relationship-ready or you’ve fallen for a good person who is missing key elements of relationship readiness. Sometimes good people need to be good and single, at least for now. And that’s okay.

There’s no such thing as a perfect match

As the experts solidify the matches, they point out areas where the proposed couple may struggle. And that’s after a pool of thousands has been scrutinized, analyzed and organized.

Because when you bring together two imperfect people, you’re going to have an imperfect union.

The participants are counseled before they commit to the experience that their match will not be utopian. And that’s a good conviction to start a marriage with. Because when you don’t lead with the expectation of perfection, you’re less likely to run away at the first sign of disharmony.

Marriage requires sustained effort

The participants go in with the assumption that they’re going to have to work at building a relationship with the stranger-spouse. Whereas, in a typical marriage,  we go in with the assumption that the work (dating, etc.) is already done. There’s a dangerous belief out there which states that marriage should not require work and that one that makes demands of effort is somehow lacking in authenticity.

Either those that perpetuate that myth have never been married to a person with their own beliefs and opinions or they misunderstand the definition of work. Because marriage absolutely requires work – mental or physical effort expended with the intention of achieving a desired purpose or result. And if you don’t work at it, it won’t work for you.

Let your support system support you

The participants in the show may have to deal with the endless cameras and individual interviews, but they are lucky in one regard – they have support and a lot of it. Most of us are not fortunate enough to be surrounded by a team of professionals that are all rooting for our marriage.

Yet even though we don’t have the budget of television, we can all choose to surround ourselves with people that support us AND believe in our marriage. The people we encircle our marriage with are almost as important as the person we choose to marry.

Attraction can grow

Some of the matched pairs display an immediate attraction. But most approach their spouse for what he or she is – a stranger. Neither compelling or repealing, but simply an unknown that they are about to pledge their commitment to. But those that agree to this experiment all have a powerful belief that attraction can grow and be cultivated.

Not convinced? Have you ever felt attraction fade due to inattention or a focus on the negative? Why would this only run in a single direction? Whatever you nurture, grows. Rather than gazing over the fence, water your own grass and grow the attraction in your marriage.

Let’s talk about sex BEFORE we talk about marriage

I applaud the inclusion of an expert in sex and intimacy on the show. Sex is important in a marriage and while any amount or type of sex is variable and up for debate, the spouses’ agreement on it is not. As with anything, it is easy to lead with assumptions and shame about sex – “This is what I like, so it must also be what my partner likes.” “The amount of sex I want is normal and anybody who wants more or less is either sex-addicted or frigid.” “I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but it’s just the act that matters, right?” “Sex is a sign of a healthy relationship.” “A relationship must be healthy before sex can take place.”

Of course, the couples in the show don’t have the opportunity to discuss sexual needs, desires and hang-ups before the marriage. So the experts do it for them. They are careful to avoid pairing someone with more puritanical views with a person who is more passionate and adventurous. For the rest of us, we have to do that talking ourselves. And yes, it is important to talk. Because the added hormones at the beginning of a relationship can hide a lot of incompatibility.

Commit to the marriage separate from the person

On the best days, you will be committed to your marriage AND to your spouse. But they’re not all best days. In fact, some of the days of the marriage will be awful. And those are the days to be even more resolute in your commitment. Not to your partner (especially if you can’t even look at them without growling at the moment), but to the marriage.

And that’s exactly what the participants in the show do. They’ve committed to the marriage (and yes, to the show) before they ever pledged their loyalty to a particular spouse. And there’s real value in that. As long as the spouse is not abusive, let your commitment to the marriage be the glue that keeps you together through the hard times.

Focus on fixing yourself and getting to know your partner

It’s so easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and to pronounce that everything would be better if he or she would simply change. Yet in the show, that option is rarely there since the spouses know next-to-nothing about each other. Instead, they (with the encouragement of the support professionals), work to address their own issues and insecurities while making an effort to get to know their partner. They’re a little less likely to lay blame at the feet of the other.

Those duel processes – improving yourself and listening to your partner without assumptions – are ongoing. People are dynamic. Marriages are dynamic. If you stay static, you’ll miss the magic.

At the end of the show, some spouses do call it quits and decide to divorce. But others see the potential and the progress and elect to stay married.

And at the end of the day, marriage is more about the hundreds of commitments made every day than the single big vow on the wedding day.