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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

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External Pressures

Maybe you want a family and you’re afraid to hit snooze again on the biological clock. Perhaps you’re of an age where you (and everyone else) assumed you would be married. Or you are tired of seeing all of your friends settle down while you seem to endlessly cycle through relationships.

Regardless of how independent you are, it’s impossible not to feel the pressure from outside sources. And this pressure can also lead you to make decisions that you would not on your own. Commit because you’re ready, not because you feel like you have to.

Falling For Flattery

It feels wonderful when you meet someone that makes you feel like you’re amazing. Someone you compliments you, woos you and seems to idolize you. This flattery can be intoxicating, especially if you’re own self-worth is on the lower side.

Be careful, however, when you blindly allow those accolades to wash over you. Sometimes they are used as bait by narcissists and others who have malevolent intentions. Others may use them out of their own insecurities. And even if they are delivered honestly, their meaning is reduced by the fact that the deliverer does not yet really know you.

Reminders of a Former Flame

If you lost someone and you miss certain characteristics that they possessed, you may find yourself powerfully drawn to a new interest that embodies those qualities. It makes sense – it’s natural to be excited when you find what you have missed.

But new person is not the old person. And you may be artificially veneering them with traits they do not have out of a desire to match your former love. Take the time to get to know the new person as an individual, not merely as a stand-in for the old.

Tired of the Dating Scene

Dating can be draining. New encounters take effort and energy, and that’s assuming you’re even finding people you’re interested enough in to meet. It’s frustrating to have your hopes lifted only to be dashed yet again as another potential relationship fizzles out. It can be tempting to slide into exclusivity too soon as an excuse to exit the dating scene.

But entering into a relationship because you’re tired of dating is a bit like buying a house because you’re tired of paying rent. The effort is still needed. You’re just anchored to one choice.

Why You Should Slow It Down…

The transition between “Hi, it’s nice to meet you” and the dedication to exclusivity or cohabitation is an important one. Many early relationships fail to make this shift from casual to committed, as one or more key elements are found lacking or connections are found to be weak.

And that is okay.

In fact, that is what dating is all about – trying on, testing out and sometimes, sending back.

In the beginning, your feelings are based more on fantasy than reality. And if act upon those feelings too soon, you may find yourself living with – or even married to – someone very different from the picture you had created in your mind.

And once you’ve committed, either by word or deed, it makes it much more difficult for a relationship to end. Even if it should. Some of this is due to inertia (it’s easier to stay with the status quo than to create change), some due to a fear of the unknown and some to the sunk cost fallacy.

Trying to force too much on your relationship too soon is like asking a three-year-old to organize your retirement plan. It’s placing responsibilities before foundation. Allow your relationships to mature in their own time and in their own way.

A good relationship requires vulnerability and trust – two things that cannot be rushed. They often occur in stages – periods of growth followed by periods of rest.

A race to the end in a relationship often just brings the end of the relationship. Enjoy the journey and take each step as it comes.

There’s no hurry.

Be where you are.

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14 thoughts on “8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

  1. What a great post! I may just re-blog! Everything said here is so true and ought to be hung on our refrigerators for future reference. Too bad that oxytocin can sometimes get in the way! πŸ˜‰

  2. There’s a difference between being “lonely” and “being alone.” You can be alone but not lonely. I learned that a while back.

  3. I don’t want to act like some pillar of restraint, because some of my lack of dating has more to do with not being bombarded with interest like some of the women I’ve met have been, however…

    It continues to blow me away the stories I hear (or women I meet who are less than a year out of their marriages) and they will have had a relationship or two. They’ll actually characterize it that way.

    Not just some dude they kinda-sorta dated. Like, a RELATIONSHIP.

    That seems insane to me.

    I’m not suggesting it’s impossible. I can’t possibly know. Maybe that works sometimes. But over and over again, I’m meeting people who seem eager to jump into something in what seems like too little healing time on the other side of their marriage or serious relationship, OR someone who has already been in and out of a relationship or two during what also seems like too small a window.

    Clearly, I don’t have all the answers. But every time I meet someone with that story, I don’t want to date them anymore.

    Seems like a message people need to hear.

    Hope you’re fantastic, Lisa.

    Things are well here in Ohio. Minus the impending winter. πŸ™‚

  4. Thank you so much for this! All your articles are right on.
    I’ve been married and took a very long break of dating. Now I’m back in the ‘game’, and the lonely time I took helps so much, because I learned who I am on my own, my responses to stress. I now want to make sure that I communicate when I withdraw to my potential partner, and that I don’t rush. “This” I didn’t do before, and I hope that doing something different will bring me different results πŸ™‚
    Thanks again for this nuggets of wisdom!

  5. Very insightful article. I did this 3 years ago. Divorced a few years I met a guy on line. I rushed our first meeting. We spent one night together and the next morning we decided to be a couple. Looking back I see we were both crazy. At one month I said I love you and so did he. At 5 months we were planning on getting engaged and we told the kids. Then sanity hit me. I broke up with him and I felt like I could breathe again. I didn’t love him. He was just a good guy who made things easy. Now I’m just starting to date and doing it differently. It’s uncomfortable and it feels weird, but it also feels healthy and empowering.

  6. ….where do I begin ?
    29yrs of marriage , one everyone envied?
    I never quite understood that , I thought most marriages were wonderful, lucky , not perfect but happy β™‘
    3 incredible sons, happy n well adjusted, good students , amazing athletes , so much to be proud of n grateful for β™‘
    ….n then he hit 50 πŸ™
    I’m a hairdresser, 35 yrs , I have heard it all , I promise you !
    …truth be told, we never had a bad day together ?
    Compatible, I guess …His strengths were my weaknesses. My strengths , his not so much .
    We were a well oiled machine πŸ™‚
    We laughed , talked n loved ….traveled n deeply connected ….until we weren’t…..
    Only I never knew the day that ended?
    Commuting for work….you got a txt n I got an email ?
    I read a ” story ” of our entire life rewritten ?
    Ending with…i have no plans to return?
    He forgot to include….i wiped out every dime n his 401 k ….???
    I have no words? I couldn’t breathe , I couldn’t process?
    Deer in the headlights …he left n I died in that moment ….i knew I would never be the same , ever ….n 10 years later I’m here to say , I did cease to exist as that person ….i was forever changed …
    My youngest 20 yrs old cane bursting through door , spring break from college, my other two followed , yelling up the stairs ” Mom we’re HOME”….i was still staring at the email ? In THAT moment , I knew what I had to do….
    I had to make dinner ….3 starving ” men” πŸ˜‰ it’s what I do , make dinner…
    After dinner, I read them the email …
    3 grown men sobbed , were shocked n after he confirmed it to them via email…
    My youngest 20 said ….” He may have left , but he didn’t take THE play book …
    We will all be fine…remember Mom, it’s not about the LAST play, it’s all about the NEXT play;) ”
    ” The field has changed, N mom you HAVE to read the field n adjust your play!”
    My life, their lives from that day forward were never the same ?
    I worried they would fall apart as I was falling apart?
    My oldest spoke up..
    Obviously, Dad has no idea who he is right now ?
    The day after our divorce , he married a girl my son’s age ….
    It was like death …HE was gone n still is , time has shown ….He didn’t leave me or them ?
    He left himself …..
    We are all happy n healthy, they got married , soon first grandchild β™‘
    Cognitive dissonance…..
    It kept me stuck……until I believed the facts not the memories …
    Cognitive dissonance….changed the memories so he could justify .
    He has to stay away ….removed
    So he can believe……
    I got better by caring for those who cared for me ….n caring for myself
    Reading the field n facts n believing in what was real…..

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