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When the Affair is the Beginning

9 Responses

  1. Interesting post, it does make one think and it really hits home as I was the one betrayed …but if her relationship doesn’t work out for the long term oh well it’s not my circus and not my monkeys. As I have moved on to something wonderful.

  2. Reblogged this on Starting At The Start and commented:
    Now here is something that makes you think….

  3. “And it’s difficult to build a future with someone who is still entrenched in their past.” Nice. I enjoyed reading this very much.

    I suppose a corollary is that in any new relationship, no matter how hard we try, we still bring baggage from that which has past. The challenge is to keep it from manifesting into something that impacts the immediate and beyond.

  4. shdwmage says:

    This is very true. My ex-wife let her relationship with the family slip. I believe she married the guy she was having an affair with, but I can’t see it working out. But who knows, maybe it will. Is it bad for my sake I hope it does?

    This is true even for those aren’t in a relationship too. When you’re trying to figure out which person you want to go out with on a dating site it is difficult to maintain enough focus for any one of them. Its good to try and get past it quickly.

  5. shadus713 says:

    Good point, doesn’t make any of it easier, on either side of the situation. Divorce, I have learned, is one of the absolute worst things in the human existence. There are many many things that are far worse of course, but divorce is such a common place thing now that most seem to think that in marriage there is always an out, no matter what you feel or believe, there is always a way to give up if one so chooses to. I personally didn’t look at marriage that way, it was forever to me, no matter what, I never thought of there being an out either than death, even then I feel that’s not always an ending either. But, you cannot make another person feel or do something they do not want to, the option of giving up was always there for them, so they never really gave it their all. Just speaking from experience and the thoughts sparked from your post, great points! A damn shitty situation no which way you look at it, thankfully though, life does go on. Thanks for sharing! Have a great day!

  6. shadus713 says:

    Reblogged this on Just Shad…Like Shadow, Without the OH! and commented:
    good read…

  7. Interesting read…
    I don’t see anything born of “the grass looking greener” to really work out…
    Good points though.

  8. cheriedignam says:

    Surprised at this article Lisa, any relationship borne out of an affair is no good- would never entertain engaging with anyone married or extracting themselves from a marriage – dead/ dying or otherwise – too many red flags

    • I am by no means endorsing infidelity. Been subjected to it and know the pain all too well. But I am often asked, both by those who have been left for another and by those doing doing the leaving, if the relationship that started with an affair will last. And some do. I know people who have been happily married to their former affair partner for 20 years. It doesn’t excuse the hurt that resulted from the beginning, but it does reflect more than a fling. And of course, many more that begin this way crash and burn.

      One thing that’s come out of all of this for me is that I try not to engage in black and white thinking. For example, in my first marriage, I would say, “I would never cheat.” In my second marriage, I say,”I never want to cheat and what do I need to do to make sure that happens?” I never have been unfaithful, but the second statement acknowledges that it could happen if I make poor choices. It emphasizes that those decisions start well before any physical contact or emotional intimacy has occurred. “Never” provides some false confidence that may ignore some of the precursors.

      Which brings me to your point that people that have been cheated on wouldn’t become the other man or woman. I don’t get it, but I see it happen. Usually with a hearty dose of rationalization why their situation is different and the spouse isn’t being hurt by this. Basically, they haven’t learned when they should have.

      Sorry for rambling:) Enjoy your Friday!

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