How Conquering Divorce Gives You Confidence

confidence

Whenever you successfully complete something that you thought you could not do, you gain confidence. Whenever you have to reframe your assumptions about your weaknesses and limitations, you fuel belief in yourself. Whenever you face your fears and survive, you acquire strength. And whenever you come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, you build trust in your abilities.

 

Divorce gives you plenty of practice in all of these. The end of a marriage is rife with authentic opportunities to build your confidence: 

 

Whenever we accept too much assistance, we sacrifice our self-confidence. But divorce gives plenty of practice in self-reliance. Because at the end of the day, you have to do it yourself.  You can accept help in everything from paperwork to counseling, but the talks with the lawyers, the tears in the night and the conviction to move forward are yours and your alone.

Divorce seems never-ending. The mountain seems insurmountable between the emotional process and the legal one. One step forward is often followed with a mudslide back. It’s a powerful feeling when you look back and realize how far you’ve come. Baby steps add up to marathons.

In many marriages, you grow to depend upon your partner as your go-to when you’re stressed or upset. But in divorce, that is the one person who cannot offer you the comfort you crave or the helping hand you desire. You have to do it all without the support of the person that you had always depended upon. 

Divorce is scary. It requires cojones just to face each day. You never know what may lie in wait around each corner and what demons you may be asked to slay. And if you have kids, it takes even greater courage to be the strong one for them.

When a marriage ends, it leaves no surface untouched. It affects every area of your life from finances to future. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. It’s not easy living in a land of uncertainty with no firm footholds.

When you are partnered, you see yourself as your spouse sees you. You may accept his or her perceived weakness as truth and you may lose faith in your ability to conquer challenges. As you separate, you are forced to revise your self-image. And you will discover that you are stronger and more resilient than you ever imaged.

Made it through divorce? Here’s your trophy. You deserve it!

Thank you for sharing!

16 thoughts on “How Conquering Divorce Gives You Confidence

  1. snakesinthegrass2014 – This is a blog ostensibly about my taking early retirement after a 30+ year career as a law librarian. Since starting the blog in November of 2014, I have expanded the original scope from financial issues (i.e. pension, social security, 401(k), divorce, alimony) to discussions of politics, current events, music, and mostly life's comical ironies. I always try to return the focus to those serious issues that are germain to seniors, but my strong need for displays of irreverence and imbecility are often more dominant. So do join me as I encounter the highs, lows, pitfalls, and other challenges that will present themselves as we settle early into what I'm still told are the GOLDEN YEARS. Your comments are not only welcomed but encouraged. Thanks for stopping by!
    snakesinthegrass2014 says:

    Reframe *AND* reframe. A wonderful post– thanks for writing it.

      1. snakesinthegrass2014 – This is a blog ostensibly about my taking early retirement after a 30+ year career as a law librarian. Since starting the blog in November of 2014, I have expanded the original scope from financial issues (i.e. pension, social security, 401(k), divorce, alimony) to discussions of politics, current events, music, and mostly life's comical ironies. I always try to return the focus to those serious issues that are germain to seniors, but my strong need for displays of irreverence and imbecility are often more dominant. So do join me as I encounter the highs, lows, pitfalls, and other challenges that will present themselves as we settle early into what I'm still told are the GOLDEN YEARS. Your comments are not only welcomed but encouraged. Thanks for stopping by!
        snakesinthegrass2014 says:

        Oops. Damn Mac keyboard. I mean to write, “Reclaim and reframe.” Onward!

  2. There’s a lot of good and a lot of truth in what you say in this article. Just curious though, as to what your criteria would be for having “made it through” divorce?

    1. Depends. It could mean once the decree is in hand. It could be the day you realize the worst is behind you. It could be the moment that the divorce no longer defines you or holds you back. It’s what “over” means to you and that may change as time goes on.

  3. Yes, agreed, it changes with time, and as you suggest, varies from person to person. Just thought you might have some criteria in mind on which you based the article. If not, that might be a thought for a future article (if not already covered elsewhere on site). 🙂

  4. livebysurprise – Liv is the pseudonym reformed divorcee and single mom - now married, coparenting and working mother of three. She's been featured on ScaryMommy, HuffPost Divorce, The Mid and DivorcedMoms.com. More at http://www.livebysurprise.com.
    Liv says:

    Thanks for the trophy. Now if only I can make it through coparenting without getting arrested.

  5. Aurelia – My name is Aurelia (pronounced Ah-real-lee-ya) and I am a 40-something year old woman on a voyage to stay true to who I am. I’ve spent so many years being the person others wanted me to be and I slowly lost touch with myself. I’ve been through many ups and downs in life and in January of 2013, I began the process of filing for divorce after 17 years of marriage and literally started to rebuild my life from the ground up.
    Aurelia says:

    This is so timely. I just got my divorced finalized yesterday and altho the last 2 years have been Hell making it through some of the BS that came along with hurt feelings, moving out..etc. I have to admit that I feel more confident now than EVER.

  6. This article expresses exactly how I feel. It’s spot on! I had been married for 33 years and had no idea we were headed for a divorce. It hasn’t even been a year yet. I am learning how to read define myself every day. I also have embraced my singleness wholeheartedly! There is a light at the end of the path.

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