The Boomerang Ex: Why Do They Keep Coming Back? (And What to Do When They Show Up)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The negotiations are made. The papers signed. If there are no kids, you’re assuming that you’ll never see your ex again. If there are children in the picture, you’re operating under the impression that the relationship will transition into a business-like one focused on transactions and consultation.

And all seems to be going to plan for a time. The interactions, if they happen at all, are either practical or still flavored from the bitter wash of divorce. Your ex is firmly your ex – over and done with.

And then you receive a text.

“Do you remember that time we rented that cabin up in the mountains? We never even made it into town, much less out of the bedroom. I miss you.”

And now you’re confused. This isn’t the same person that stonewalled you for years or seemed to be critical of your every move. This is the person you fell in love with.

Maybe the hurt and anger is still too strong and you refuse to reply to the foraging text. Or maybe the words bring up those early feelings for you as well and you text back, “I miss you too.” Only to berate yourself in the morning.

Once the divorce is final, some people embrace the role as ex, stepping back and staying back. While others, for a variety of reasons, are intent on coming back.

What makes these boomerang exes act the way they do? And how can you deal with their confusing and often unwanted attentions?

 

They Can’t Be Alone

Some exes hang around because they cannot stomach the thought of being alone. Maybe they’re insecure and gain confidence through their interactions with others or maybe they’re afraid to face the voices of truth that whisper to them at night. Regardless, you were their number one, their go-to and even after divorce, you still are.

This attention may feel flattering at first. Like they want you so much that they cannot let you go. But in time, it becomes stifling. Suffocating. Their need for attention speaking over your need to move on. You may even sense that it’s less about you and more about their fears. And you have no desire to continue to hold their hand when they’re frightened.

Before you can find distance from the ex who cannot be alone, you first have to accept that rescuing them is no longer your job (in fact, it never really was). They are an adult and are responsible for themselves and managing their own fears and challenges. Create boundaries, explicitly state the type and frequency of contact you are okay with. And then fill that line in the sand in with Quikrete.

Held By Habit

Even with the abrupt and brutal ending to my own marriage, I still had to fight the urge to call or text my ex impulsively when I saw or experienced something that I normally would have shared with him. Habit is a powerful force and when we’ve spent a large percentage of a lifetime with somebody, it takes time for those habits to be replaced.

I think we all have those natural impulses after the demise of a long relationship. Just some are better at resisting the call than others. If you suspect your ex is hanging around out of habit, try being patient. Time is really on your side here as new patterns emerge and become engrained.

If their impromptu communications unsettle you, do what you need to on your side to create a little distance – send their emails to the junk folder, silence their phone calls or hide behind the sofa when the doorbell rings. If their attempts at connection are not met, their habits will be unrewarded and they will soon move on.

Seeking to Control

Not all contact is as innocuous as that propelled by habit. Some exes stay in the picture because they cannot tolerate the idea that you will undertake a life without their influence. They attempt to stay in your circle so that they can continue to manipulate your surroundings.

These exes will probe you for information. They may deliver advice, pretending to be helpful, while steering you in a direction that is advantageous to them. They will try to impose limits and bans on your post-divorce life, painting the unreasonable as reasonable.

Dealing with the manipulative ex takes a firm and steady hand. Be resolute in your boundaries and be ready to take blocking them to the extreme. If needed, seek legal counsel about your rights and responsibilities so that you are not help hostage by your exes accusations and claims. And then go as “no contact” as you can.

Tempted by Curiosity

It’s strange when you go from knowing so much about someone to knowing so little. And it’s natural to be curious about what is happening in their world now that you are no longer a part of it. This ex approaches the periphery. They are not looking to become part of your life again, they simply want to see your Facebook feed.

If you’ve already found emotional distance, this ex is harmless. If, however, you’re still pulled emotionally by their presense, this contact can be an emotional roller coaster for you. If you can’t handle contact yet, let them know you need space. And then take it. No apologies needed.

They Want Action

It can be awkward (to say the least) to first get physically intimate with somebody other than your former spouse. And some choose to avoid this situation for as long as possible by viewing their former partner as an ex with benefits. It’s completely normal to still find yourself attracted to your ex and fall back into bed.

Yet just because it’s a normal impulse, doesn’t mean that it’s the best one for you. Continuing to have a physical relationship with your ex makes it more difficult to let go. Remind yourself of your big-picture goals. Is 20 minutes of pleasure really worth sacrificing what you really want?

Even worse is when the advances are unwanted, when your ex has become the creeper whose interest you’re trying to avoid. This is another case for distance and firm boudaries. Avoid being alone with your ex and limit your in-person contact.

 

Prompted by Change

Sometimes the boomerang ex only returns after a protacted time away. And sometimes this return is prompted by internal or external change. You hear of former spouses reconiling after one has learned of a fatal diagnosis. Or after some event occurs than affects – and reunites – them both.

Perhaps life has continued to be a learning process and they now have evolved to a place where they want to try again. Or maybe they’re finally realizing that they made a mistake and they’re looking to correct it.

Sometimes this return is welcomed and is the beginning of a second phase. And sometimes you’ve already moved on to the point of no return (and no interest). If this is the case, decide if you want to aim for friendship or if you would prefer for them to remain in your past. No matter your decision, be compassionate here. People change and the person approaching you now may no longer be the same one that hurt you all those years ago.

 

 

When you have a boomerang ex, there are two questions you must ask youself –

1 – What do they have to gain from the repeated bids for attention?

2 – What do you want to do about it?

Answer those two questions and you will either decide to hold them at arm’s length or welcome them back with open arms.

 

The Surprising Choice That May End Your Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I decided to go back to school in 2005 to obtain my master’s degree, it was a decision born of pure pragmatism. In less than six years, the raise I would receive would pay for the degree; it was a way to help with the household bottom line. I opted for a program that was largely held online so that it would interfere as little as possible with my life outside of work. My life with my then-husband.

But of course, adding an additional layer of responsibility to my days did impact life at home. Evenings and weekends were often spent writing papers or participating in classroom “discussions.” It was a world with which my husband couldn’t relate, since he had never participated in any college courses at all, but he still was supportive.

At least I thought he was.

But behind the scenes he was busy building another life. From what I can tell, his deceptions started during the two-year period I was back in school. I guess he was learning too, only he had a different idea of what it means to better oneself. One that involved bars instead of books.

If the demise of my marriage was the only one that I knew related to a return to school, I wouldn’t make any connection. After all, I think it’s clear that my ex had some pretty big issues going on that would have surfaced with or without a degree.

But I’m not the only one.

I’ve seen it with far too many teachers I have worked with where a divorce decree arrives on the heels of a new diploma. I hear about it from readers and see mention of a return to school in other’s divorce tales. It seems as though there is a link between divorce and degrees.

Now, it’s possible that some people are returning to school with the intention of increasing their earning power enough so that they can make the break from the marriage. But it’s also possible that the return to school itself was a hit on the marriage. Maybe not the cause of the divorce, but certainly a contributing factor.

Here are some ways a return to school could also signal a return to singlehood:

Time Spent On School is Less Time Spent On the Marriage

School places significant demands on your time, and this has an even greater influence when you return later in life when you may be balancing children and/or a full-time job. No matter how much you try to mitigate the impact on the rest of the family, it will be felt.

I used to get up very early on Saturday and Sunday mornings so that I could get the bulk of my classwork done before he woke up. It meant that I was tired by the afternoon, but even worse, it changed my attitude about the weekend. I always felt like I had work to do. Weeknights were even worse. I would often inhale dinner after arriving home at 5:00 only to hole myself up in my office to jump through some professor-created hoops. Several semesters required that I attend physical classes, which meant that I would not return home until 11:00 pm after leaving at 6:00 am for work.

It’s difficult to nurture a marriage when you don’t even have time to take care of yourself.

Your Partner May Feel Left Behind

Starting a new degree program is a concrete step towards improving your future. It’s a plan and a goal for where you want to be and what you want to accomplish. Even though my ex and I discussed school and made a joint decision to go ahead with the program, I was the one to actually take the steps.

And he was left behind.

I shared stories with him about my interesting classmates. I grumbled about assignments or professors. And I consulted him on some of my ideas for papers or presentations.

But it was still my world and my goal. He wasn’t really a part of it.

Marriages thrive with common goals and shared visions. Make sure your spouse shares your dream.

You Are Meeting New People 

Studies support that marriages do well when there is a large and shared social group between partners. When I was in school, my classmates became my de facto social partners. At least for a term and then they would be replaced with faces and new names. My ex couldn’t keep them all straight. Hell, I barely could.

It’s easy for one partner to feel pushed aside and insecure when the other is always out with new people. Even if they only meet in a classroom.

A marriage thrives when surrounded by mutual friends who act as cheerleaders and advisors.

Your Partner May Feel Inferior

I never thought less of my ex for never attending college. He was extremely bright and a very hard worker, which led him into a self-made career. I didn’t think the lack of a degree bothered him either. At least until I saw the words “Bachelor of Arts; University of Texas” on his other marriage license. For him to lie about it, it must have troubled him. 

My returning to school may have triggered his insecurities. School was something he always struggled with, whereas I often do better in academia than in the real world. I envied the fact that he was self-taught and could find success in a career where no degree was needed. But maybe he envied the fact that I could get a degree.

Your perception of your partner may be different than what he or she sees. Look beneath the words of assurance. There may be hurt or shame beneath.

When You’re Busy, You’re Blind

My data-mining after he left showed an entire life lived in parallel. A life I with which I was unaware. Some of my blindness was due to my belief in him, some can be chalked up to his skill at lying. But some is because I was too busy focusing on other things.

Trouble brews when your attention shifts. Remember to shift back.

 

A degree can be a great asset. Just be careful that you don’t wind up celebrating your graduation with an unintended divorce.