Are You Wondering if You Tried Hard Enough to Save Your Marriage?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you reached the conclusion that your marriage is over yet you are still questioning your decision? Are you haunted by the thought that maybe you didn’t try hard enough to save your marriage and that you were too hasty in pronouncing it dead? Are you experiencing guilt surrounding your decision to divorce, especially as you see the ripple effect that it has on others?

I can’t reassure that you did everything you could and I also cannot tell you that there was more that you could have done. Only you know the particular culture of your marriage, the efforts you put forth and the responsiveness (or lack thereof) of your ex. But maybe I can help you find some clarity in your decision.

Just the fact that you’re stressing about your choice means that you are giving this decision the attention it merits. Your questions are a natural response to a life-altering conclusion, a sign that you take your commitments seriously and that you have empathy for the impact that your choices have on others. Furthermore, by wondering if there was more that you could have done, you’re demonstrating personal responsibility, an honorable trait.

Yet even though that questioning is a sign of consideration and character, listening to the constant barrage of “What ifs…” can drive you crazy, especially in the immediate aftermath of the split when everything seems worse than before. This constant doubt can hold you back, keeping your energy focused backwards instead of moving on from where you are.

The decision to divorce is rarely clear-cut. It’s no wonder you’re feeling confused when the waters are murky. This is especially true when you are unable to make a mutual decision about divorce, when the decision rests entirely on your shoulders. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to get your partner to engage and they continually refuse to put forth any effort in the marriage. Perhaps you’ve endured endless cutting words and psychological sabotage. Or possibly your partner is okay with a mediocre life and marriage but you desire more.

Regardless of your situation, your sphere of influence can only travel so far. You can makes changes within yourself. You can talk to your spouse about what you want your marriage to look like. You can ask for changes, suggest ideas and implement new strategies. But you also cannot do all of it alone. If you’re not satisfied with your marriage and your partner is refusing to work with you, you’re ultimately left with three choices: 1) accept the marriage and your spouse as they are, 2) stay in the marriage and continue to be unhappy and frustrated, or 3) leave.

I like to compare these choices to what happens when your bicycle breaks down:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

 

Here’s a painful truth – even if the decision to divorce was the right move in your case, it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily going to feel good about it. The right thing is rarely the easy thing. And sometimes the decisions we have to make are going to result in some collateral damage. (Here are your responsibilities when making a decision that will negatively impact others.) You have to balance your needs with the desires of others.

For parents, it is impossible to separate the decision to divorce from the impact it will have on the children. You may be wondering if you should have stayed and dealt with your unhappiness quietly in order to preserve a two-parent home for your kids. Yet this is often presented as too simplistic of a choice: go and it’s bad for the kids or stay and it’s good for the kids. Both options have both potentially detrimental impacts and allow for new possibilities. Divorce is difficult for children, but so is staying in a home with fighting or constant negative energy. Make your choice and then do what you need to support your kids.

It’s common to question the decision to divorce in the year following the initial separation. This is a challenging time for everyone, a dismantling and demolition. From this vantage, it can often seem that the decision was made recklessly because the marriage doesn’t seem so bad compared to its aftermath. Be patient and compassionate with yourself during this period. This temporary struggle is not a sign about the integrity of your decision to divorce.

 

Some of the most difficult divorce decisions come when you still love your partner but you are unable to stay married to them for some reason. That’s a hard pill to swallow, that just because you love someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re good together. It’s true, sometimes the greatest sign of love is letting someone go. Even when the release hurts likes hell.

As you move forward with greater wisdom and self-reflection, you may indeed realize that there were things that you screwed up in your marriage. You can allow this to solidify into guilt and regret or you can accept that you did the best you could at the time and promise to not let those lessons go to waste in the future.

 

Related reading:

What Do You Owe Your Spouse? 

What Makes a Marriage Successful? (And Why Divorce Doesn’t Mean Failure)

Five Steps to Making a Difficult Decision

Posted on by stilllearning2b
difficult decision

I was twenty-two years old, newly married, a full-time student and a homeowner when my then-husband was laid off from his job. My part-time front desk job and four-year plan to secure a masters degree in physical therapy were suddenly no longer viable options. I needed to act and I needed to do it quickly.

And that’s often how life operates – we are faced with difficult choices under pressure with no clear-cut answers. Here are five steps you can take when you find yourself at a challenging crossroads with more questions than answers:

 

1 – Distinguish your needs from your wants.

This may be harder than it appears at first glance. Our wants often scream louder than our needs and try to convince us that they must be attended to. Conversely, our true needs often wear disguises, afraid to make their presence known.

Wants will often arrive with a more emotional response, picture the tantruming toddler denied their desired treat. Needs are often more practical, less enticing and harder to identify. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and decide where you need to begin. You may be surprised how often that’s at the first step of having basic physical needs met.

 

2 – Establish your priorities.

This is often the stage where we are subject to undo external influence, where we fall sway to pressure to do things a certain way. Slough off the “shoulds.” Don’t worry about what “looks” right to the outside world. Don’t think about how many Facebook likes your decision will receive. What are your priorities?

What is most important to you may change throughout your life and in different circumstances. Strive to be curious here rather than judgmental. There are no wrong conclusions. By taking the time to identify your priorities, you are more likely to make a decision that honors your core values and beliefs.

 

3 – Identify the options that are off the table.

This step is key. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of wanting things to be different. To feel as though we’ve made a decision yet that decision requires someone or something about the situation to change.

Be honest with yourself. If you can’t directly alter the situation, eliminate that option. Disregard any “solution” that relies on someone else to change in the way you believe would be beneficial. Similarly, exclude any possibility that is anchored in magical thinking. Limit your options to the ones that are really and truly available to you.

And be aware – the ones you have to eliminate are often the ones that seem “easy” and the ones left behind often feel scary and even impossible. That’s often a sign you’re moving in the right direction.

 

4 – Generate a ranked list of the pros and cons of the available options.

Once you’ve whittled down your choices to the ones that are available and have a good chance of meeting your needs, write out the known pros and cons to each decision. Then, rank each potential benefit in the pro columns and each potential consequence in the con lists.

You may find that one choice carries the biggest risks yet also the greatest potential gain. Or, you may find a clear winner where the most impactful benefits are clustered without many significant detractors. We often become so emotionally invested in a decision that we fail to take all of the possible cons into account. This step can provide some needed clarity.

 

5 – Choose one possibility and act.

You’re not looking for the perfect choice here (it may not even exist). You’re seeking the good enough option. Make a choice, shelve the others and make the leap. Make a commitment to invest 100% in your decision for a set period of time. If you give it your all, it has a chance of success. If you only partially dedicate your energy, it will likely fail.

And then at some predetermined juncture, re-evaluate. Is this choice still working? Does it need to be retired or merely tweaked?

 

Here’s how this played out in my life almost twenty years ago:

1 – I need a degree. Stat. One that directly leads to a career with stability and a decent paycheck. I need to find a way to earn more money while I’m completing this degree.

2 – I want to be able to help people and need to know I’m making a difference. I enjoy working with math and science.

3 – My desire to go into physical therapy is no longer on the table. My wish for my (then) husband to have a career in a steady field is out of my control.

4 – Once my lists were made, I could see that some options were riskier than others. And risk was not what I was seeking at that time.

5 – I made the choice to enter into teaching. And apart from a few breakdowns when I’m overwhelmed, it has been a rewarding and stable career that capitalizes on my skills.

 

Big decisions are never easy. Choosing one door often means nailing the others shut. There’s a balance between rushing into action without much forethought and spending so much time debating that you avoid action.

Assess your situation. Make your choice. And then take that step with the trust that your decision will lead you the right direction.