Guest Post – Do I Have to Pay Child Support For My Adult Children?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you still wondering about how long you will have to pay child support? You might think that you don’t have to pay support after a child’s 18th birthday. However, the truth may not be so cut and dry.

There is a lot of misinformation out there on this topic, and a lot of people assuming the wrong thing. So today, the team at Fine & Associates are here to shed some light on paying child support for adult children in Ontario.

When Your Child Is Still in School

The Ontario Family Law Act states that “every parent has an obligation to provide support for his or her unmarried child who is a minor or is enrolled in a full time program of education, to the extent that the parent is capable of doing so.”

This piece of legislation stipulates that an unmarried child who is a minor or who is enrolled in a full time program of education is eligible for support only if he or she hasn’t voluntarily withdrawn from parental control, meaning that he or she has moved out and is living on his or her own.

When Your Child Is Ill or Disabled

The federal Divorce Act stipulates that a parent must provide support for their child who “is the age of majority or over and under their charge but unable, by reason of illness, disability or other cause, to withdraw from their charge or to obtain the necessities of life.”

That illness or disability might not be physical. In the case of Greenberg v. Greenberg, the judge found that the couple’s 19 year old daughter did not have the maturity or emotional stability to be able to withdraw from parental control. She was not going to be able to finish high school without financial support. The judge ordered support payments to continue as the young woman finished high school and worked part-time.

Other Situations

The federal Divorce Act is broader than Ontario’s Family Law Act. Therefore, there is a wider range of situations under which a parent would be ordered to pay an adult child’s support.

In the case of Willock v. Willock, a judge ordered a young woman’s parents to continue paying support as she trained to become a competitive cyclist. The judge reasoned that even if this young woman didn’t succeed as a competitive cyclist, her training would enable her to pursue “economic independence” as a cycling instructor.

Not a Straightforward Answer

As you can see, there are too many factors involved to give you a finite yes or no answer.

If you feel like you shouldn’t be paying child support any more, it’s always best to speak to a divorce lawyer. We recommend talking to lawyer before you speak to your ex spouse about any new child support arrangements.

This can take a lot of emotion out of the conversation, while arming you with legal facts- not just your opinion.

 

Author Bio:

Fine & Associates Professional Corporation is a well-respected Toronto law firm that prides itself on providing quality, personal service at reasonable rates. The firm’s lawyers practice divorce and family law exclusively, and are experienced in all types of cases, including but not limited to child support, child custody, and divorce mediation.

 

How To Cultivate Gratitude When Life Bombards You With Lemons

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some gratitude comes easily. A beautiful day. A smile in response to a kind word. A tax refund. The Netflix release of the latest season of your favorite series.

But life isn’t always about easy. That beautiful day can be followed by a tumultuous storm, washing away everything you cherish. The person who uttered the kind word may never speak again. That tax refund may abruptly transition from fun money to survival funds when the layoffs occur. And the latest season of your favorite series may mark the end of the show.

Usually, we are grateful for the good days and endure the bad, putting gratitude on hold until things look better and the assault ends.

But that’s not the only way.

In fact, gratitude cultivated during the rough parts is paramount for thriving regardless of what life has to offer.

Gratitude is the sugar that turns those sour lemons into lemonade.

Maintain a Smile File

On those really tough days in the classroom with the kids, I have a certain strategy that I like to employ. I stop the lesson, sometimes mid-sentence, walk to file cabinet and pull out a tattered manila envelope with a crudely-drawn smiley face on its exterior.

Without a word, I sit at my desk (something I never do while teaching) and begin to read the contents of the envelope silently. Without fail, the kids fall quiet and stare at me curiously until one pipes up, “What are you doing?”

“Reminding myself why I still teach.”

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That envelope is filled with all of the thank you letters and cards I have received from students and parents over the years. It’s a powerful reminder that although that day in the classroom may suck, that day is not the entire picture.

A smile file is a way of collecting and storing life’s good moments to help in the bad ones, much like food is gathered and stored to prepare for the winter ahead.

Apply Gratitude to Wounds Immediately

Gratitude works best when it occurs immediately after (or even during) a bad moment. It not only changes the face of the situation by offering perspective, it also helps to derail the cycle of negativity.

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While I was making large monthly payments on the totally unfair and utterly sucky debt my ex left me with, I started a coinciding gratitude list. As soon as I would click “Make Payment” on the website, I would pick up my pen and add one item from my current life that I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the former life ending in a violent explosion. It changed my thinking. Instead of viewing those installments as bloodletting, I saw them as a down payment on a better life.

Be careful with this strategy, the knee-jerk reaction to rapidly apply gratitude can become habit-forming. While I was weeding the other day, the thorns from a nearby rosebush drew blood as they raked across my exposed side. And after my initial PG13 utterance from the surprise and the pain, I found myself saying thank you for the opportunity to see the final blooms of the season held just above the offending spikes.

Choose Your Words Carefully

I’m bad at this one. When life gets overwhelming with its demands, I have a bad habit of moaning about being too busy. Or too stressed. Or anxious. I’m working on changing the words I choose to assign to these moments.

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“I’m lucky to have a life filled with so much.”

“I’m grateful to have the opportunity to do so many things.”

“I’m excited to see what this time might offer.”

The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power.

You cannot change what happens to you, but you can certainly adjust how you label it.

Start by refraining from calling a situation “good” or “bad.” Because good and bad always coexist.

Craft a Gratitude List

Simple enough. Write down what you’re thankful for. It can take the form of a daily gratitude journal, a “top ten” list posted on your bathroom mirror or the screen saver on your computer.

As long as you follow two simple guidelines – write it down and put it where you see it.

Bonus points if you tackle this radical gratitude challenge.

Take a Media Fast

The constant bombardment of media can be detrimental to your well-being. Pintrest reminds us that no amount of hot glue or eyeliner will ever make our lives photo shoot worthy. The news breaks us down with images and stories of suffering while fertilizing our minds with fear. And Facebook encourages comparisons, wondering why our lives always seem to fall short.

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So turn it off. Listen to yourself and those immediately around you. Recenter.

And find gratitude for what remains.

Celebrate the Small Victories

Sometimes gratitude is found in the big picture and sometimes it is found within the small moments of hope and joy in a bleaker terrain.

When you’re in the middle of one of those “growth experiences” that life loves to test us with, make the effort to celebrate every little shining moment. Each is a victory worthy of notice.

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Pass It Along

When you can’t find anything in your life to be grateful for, give somebody else something to be thankful for. You’ll both feel better.

 

Still struggling to cultivate gratitude?

Here are some ideas to get you started:

I am grateful for the reminder about what is really important in life.

I am grateful to be forced to slow down.

I am grateful for the opportunity to find out how strong I really am.

I am grateful to discover who my true friends really are.

I am grateful to have been blessed with people in my life whom I miss.

I am grateful that this experience has made me more compassionate towards others who are suffering.

I am grateful for the chance to adapt and transform through change.

I am grateful for what I have learned through this experience.

I am grateful that my eyes opened this morning and that I have the opportunity to be grateful today.

And I am grateful that I can choose to take those lemons and …

 

 

Do’s And Don’ts When Your Partner Withdraws

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be quite painful when you sense that your partner is pulling away or retreating within. It’s easy to climb the panic ladder, following a trail of assumptions that determine that the withdrawal is a sign of a fatal condition.

And yes, withdrawal is a sign. A sign that something is unbalanced in your partner’s world and he or she is attempting to reinstate equilibrium. And that’s often an inside job.

So what’s your role when your partner withdraws? What actions are better avoided and which ones will render aid to the situation at hand?

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Don’t take it personally.

When somebody pulls away, it’s natural to jump to the conclusion that they’re pulling away from you. Yet that’s often not the case. In fact, here are 7 reasons that people withdraw in relationships. And many of those have nothing to do with the relationship at all.

And yes, maybe this particular withdrawal does originate from the relationship or perhaps it is a sign of a negative pattern of communication. But nothing good can come from reaching that conclusion prematurely.

Don’t smother.

My childhood dog was a free spirit, a wild child that always viewed an open door or loose dirt beneath a fence line as an opportunity for adventure. The first few times she escaped, I would run after her in desperation.

Which only made her run harder.

Eventually, I learned to sit still and she would often come to me.

When we are afraid of losing something (or someone), we often respond by grasping. When we feel suffocated by something (or someone), we often respond by running.

Don’t withdraw.

It can be painful to feel a distance between you and partner. Lonely. Isolating. And some respond to this pain by retreating inward themselves. And yes, it can feel safer behind that door. But two locked doors are more difficult to breach than one.

Don’t obsess.

Don’t provide sanctuary for a mindworm that feeds upon your fears. Your cyclical thoughts only serve to make you miserable; they offer nothing in the form of resolution or peace.

Don’t enable.

If your partner is making poor choices or refusing to seek assistance when it is obviously necessary, refrain from enabling those behaviors. Think tough love. Not sacrificial love.

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Do set boundaries.

Struggle is no excuse to act sh*tty. You do not  have to tolerate any and all behaviors. Decide where your boundaries lie. Communicate them. And then stand by them. Here is some further information on boundary-setting.

Do take care of yourself.

You’re in a tough spot. A position of helplessness and alienation. So be kind to yourself. Step up the self-care. Rally the supporters. Seek connection and reassurance from safe sources. Never allow one person to determine your worth.

Do seek an explanation.

You deserve to know what is going on. It may be that your partner does not have the words or ability to understand his or her own actions yet. You may need to be patient while being persistent that it is their responsibility to dig into the root causes of the behavior. And just how patient you will be is up to you (see boundaries).

Do be introspective.

While your partner is dealing with his or her own stuff, take an opportunity to examine your own thoughts and beliefs. I often see spouses giving up when their partner refuses to participate in couple’s counseling. When often, this is a great time to seek help by yourself, for yourself. It is a great time to examine patterns and assumptions that you may carry that impact your relationship.

Do offer support.

You and your partner are a team. And team members step up when one is taken down.

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Remember that you cannot control another’s actions, only your response. You cannot force your partner to come out of hibernation. But you can decide how you will survive the winter.

The Three Golden Rules of Complaining

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We all do it – Grumble and moan about the things that just aren’t going right. Vent out the vitriol accumulated after some perceived wrongdoing. Or harbor a tendency to paint a situation in negativity, focusing on what is lacking rather than on what is there.

We all do it – We complain out loud and even in our own heads. We seek empathy and understanding and commiseration. “That must really suck. I’m sorry.”

We all do it – Sometimes even to the point of habit. A constant low-level whine of bellyaching. That eventually becomes tuned out by the listeners and turned up by the complainer.

Complaining has a place. It’s not reasonable or natural or even desirable to always see and speak of the sunny side. But complaining has a tendency to overstep its bounds. To act like a vapor in unbounded space, spilling into every crack and crevice.

So set some boundaries. Some rules.

The three golden rules of complaining:

1 – Does My Complaining Serve a Purpose?

Are you simply needing to to vent? Are you seeking commiseration? Are you wanting to motivate change, in yourself or others? Are you intending to highlight a transgression with the intention of increasing awareness?

Before you complain, become conscious of your goal. Even better, communicate your goal. And if there isn’t one, perhaps the words are best left unsaid.

2 – Am I Complaining To the Right Person?

If you are seeking change in somebody, that person is the one to speak to. If you are wanting to vent, make sure that you select a trusted ear that understands that words spewed in the heat of the moment may be more intense than intended. If you are looking for comfort, ensure that you don’t constantly complain to the same person; they will develop empathy fatigue after a time and your moans will have a diminishing return.

3 – How Will I Follow-Up?

In order for complaining not to become your default setting, it needs to be followed by either action, acceptance or release. Consciously choose one.

Act.

Surrender.

Or let go.

 

Dealing With Divorce? There’s An App For That

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce can be alienating. It often feels as though you’re the only one dealing with the stuff you’re dealing with. At least in your usual social circles, where most people tend to sugar-coat and Photoshop.

There is a new and rapidly-growing community that aims to fill that void. To be the go-to for advice, inspiration and connection. A place where you can tell it like it is without fear of losing your friends. People you can turn to who have been there and done that (and maybe even used your soon-to-be-ex’s attorney as well). And a place where you can use what you have learned to help others as well.

And the coolest part? They just released an app, so it’s now easy to access on your mobile devices. Here’s the press release that also gives the motivation behind the site.

The idea behind the community is to help give you back your power during divorce through education, support and hope.

From the DivorceForce site:

How DivorceForce Empowers:

1) DivorceForce provides valuable information for people affected by divorce. DivorceForce is a combination of user-generated content with people sharing their experiences, original articles commissioned by DivorceForce and professional advice.DivorceForce delivers guidance on every topic related to divorce and relationships. There is a lot of information out there that is complex and hard to decipher. It’s difficult to know what is credible and what isn’t. DivorceForce has built a beautifully designed and easy to use, mobile app and website offering personalized content to each member.

2) Divorce is a community to bring people together whether they are contemplating, navigating, or have gone through divorce. DivorceForce users provide unique insights and personalized engagement to educate and support its community. It’s members include people like you as well as experts in many fields including legal, counseling, finance, dating, and much more.

3) DivorceForce provides the ability to connect with people in similar situations. Every divorce is unique and it is valuable to find people who may be at the same stage of divorce as you, beginning a custody battle, going through a forensic audit, or having just filed for divorce. DivorceForce members can connect with others in similar divorce situations. Think about the great value in being able to talk to someone who has appeared in front of the same judge or faced your spouse’s attorney.

DivorceForce is available at www.divorceforce.com , and in both the iTunes and Google Play stores. Join the community. Engage with others. Offer advice and share your experiences. Recommend DivorceForce to your friends, family, and colleagues or someone you know that needs inspiration and help.

So download the free app or check out the website. Ask an anonymous question or help somebody else with their dilemma. Think of DivorceForce as social media with a purpose – it’s building connections to help everybody impacted by divorce come through stronger, wiser and freer.