The Cheater’s Playbook

9 Responses

  1. still broken says:

    Thank you! I have been ruminating for so long on his exit words, believing myself to be all that he said. Some of those on the list, and more – apparently I am bipolar (absolutely not), negative, unable to negotiate (but we bought his parents a house and holidays, mostly with the money I was earning, wouldn’t I have just said “No,”?), lacked affection, whereas she was “ all over him” ( 25 years younger), put the kids first ( what about when I was at his bedside through 3 life threatening illnesses and have hardly any recollection what I did with the kids at that time – I had to arrange for them to be with relatives, so I could be with him 24/7), was not frugal enough ( but was earning a lot, and bought clothes ( not excessively) to look nice for him), and worst of all, I was a bad Mother ( but ….didn’t he also say that I put the kids first?). These words still stick to me like glue. I am really struggling to realise that after nearly 40 years of marriage, he thought so little of me, and was able to lay all the blame at my feet. It is devastating. I am striving to rebuild faith in myself.
    Lisa’s blogs have carried me through.

    • stilllearning2b says:

      That part where he contradicted himself and claimed you were a bad mom and also were accused of putting the kids first- that right there is your reality anchor that tells you how his words are not based in fact. Use that to remind yourself as needed that he was trying to put the blame on you in order to excuse his actions. Also, consider that maybe it’s less that he thought so little of you and maybe a little more that he can’t stand to look at himself.

      One thing I did in the aftermath was gather up all the cards/emails/etc where people said nice – and true- things about me and kept them close. It helped remind me that I wasn’t who he claimed I was.


  2. This spoke deeply with me.

  3. bookaddict04 says:

    Oh my goodness! All of those phrases from the “playbook” are all of the ones I heard too! I can still hear those words echoing in my head, I can still feel that reaction I had in my stomach, I can still see him sitting so calmly as he said them. It’s been hard not to let those things affect me and how I see myself.

  4. Ri says:

    I went to “like” this post, and I see I already had! Never gets old, because it’s all so (sadly) spot on! xo

  5. Anonymous says:

    Wow this is so correct. So many of the excuses my wife gave me, trying to make me feel like I was the problem, like I was the one who led her to crossing our marital boundaries. Sure I admit I was never perfect, but I seriously tried to be the best husband I could be even when going through so many horrible circumstances (losing a couple of jobs over a 2-year span that really struck me to my core as a provider for my family).

    So what does my wife do? Instead of having my back and helping me when I’m down, she goes off and has her little 2-year “fantasy” emotional affair with the married youth pastor at our church that she worked with (all while my two high school-aged kids were right there, too). She made the choice to break our covenant vows. She made the choice to quit loving me. SHE made the CHOICE!

    Once again, I know I’m not the perfect man in any way, shape or form, but I would never screw my wife over the way she stabbed me in the back. I’m still fighting what I feel is a dying battle four years after exposing the affair. We spent 2-plus years in individual and marital counseling and it seems like it was all wasted money as she still remains cold and disconnected.

    Why do I even keep fighting for someone who have no faith will ever cherish, love and pursue me? Trying to hold out thinking that God can heal what once seemed like a good marriage. For the sake of my three children (including one who is still at home and in high school), I want so badly for our legacy to be more than just a dead relationship. I pray for a restorative, healthy and vibrant marriage.

    But, as the months and years go by, am I just blowing smoke up my ass? Will I ever be happy and be able to really trust and forgive a woman, who for some crazy reason I still love, who has absolutely zero desire to make things right between us? Will she cheat on me again and destroy what is left of my heart that has been shattered into a million pieces and that she stomps all over daily? I just don’t know.

    • stilllearning2b says:

      What a hard place to be and a difficult decision to make. I hope you find some clarity and peace.

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