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When Your Pedestal is Too High

5 Responses

  1. Letitgocoach says:

    A rescuer wrapped in tinfoil…yep. xx

  2. I believe we all have put those we love on a pedestal at one time or another. Yes, they fall off and let us down. I am more guilty of this than most people I believe, because as a friend pointed out to me not too long ago, that despite my knowledge of their mistakes and/or flaws I only wanted to see the good. To see their true heart.

    But the truth be told we all have flaws we all make mistakes. As you pointed out there must be a balance in the scales. We must see them as who they are.

    Great post.

  3. I’ve been working on a tangential lesson this weekend, the essence of which is that we bring home (from work or wherever) or sometimes for those of us that work from home( we bring into our home) the energy from the people and events we encounter through our work, we bring this contextually into our conversations with our partners at the end of the day, when we first encounter them again.

    Our rose colored glasses, sometimes get clouded with the energy and experiences we had throughout the day. This can tint our views for better or for worse as we then try to be objective with our partners words, actions, behaviors etc.

    We are human too. Our energy and emotion is not a constant through out a marriage, a year, a month, day or even an hour sometimes.

    This all reminds me of a life lesson I learned around the gloriously old age of 19…. We have to be all right with ourselves before we can be all right in a relationship. (some would substitute ‘in love’ for ‘all right’.

    The point is that we are not objective. This is ok. We are subjective, we are human.

    Still we try to navigate this bonding scenario of assessing ‘is this person right for me?’ and ‘is this person still right for me?’

    Plus, there are times when we have too many other things going on and just don’t have time to run the regular assessment. Life happens.

    In late November 2009, I came to the conclusion that I had fallen into codependent behavior in my relationship with my ex. I mapped out a plan to get help, therapy and do something about it.

    Then Thanks giving and then Christmas and then a month later, my home was foreclosed on and illegally seized by Wells Fargo.

    That prompted an unplanned/forced bankruptcy. 2010 was a life happens kind of year for me.

    I totally forgot about my conclusions in November before life happened.

    I didn’t remember them until 2015, when I read back through an old blog article. By this time, I was a month into my separation.

    I had definitely put my ex-wife on a pedestal. I was shocked when I discovered her far below the pedestal. I spent the next year re-painting my memories, correcting conversations that had had very different meanings, actions we had chosen together for very different motivations.

    Agreeing most of the time was easy for us.

    Agreeing for very different reasons turned out to be a poison pill in our relationship.

    this brings me to my point… (i guess, just feeling out the emotions that your blog article prompted, and thank you for that). 🙂

    We didn’t come together to communicate and discuss our perspectives. When we found easy agreement, we went with the flow. This served to confirm my bias that we had a good marriage, that we still loved each other, that things and life, all was good.

    It was not.

    There were all sorts of outside agents distorting the glasses…

    – a poisonous atmosphere and profession (teaching in a state/school that did not value education
    – low self esteem on one side
    – codependent behaviors on both sides
    – illness for each of us and our kids at times
    – extra marital digital relationships on one side
    – prescription drugs
    – fiefdoms of control (one person managing most of the medical decisions, another managing the finances, not enough communication about either of these) all done under the guise of who had the natural predilection to manage it…

    These days in my new relationship of 2 years, I work hard not to make judgments at all.

    I keep working on myself.

    I work hard to communicate, not easy, even with someone that is more inclined to communicating openly as compared to my ex.

    But I’m out, maybe temporarily out of the judging business. I’m not ‘buying’ or ‘investing’ so to speak (like choosing to hold a stock) in my new relationship.

    I am just ‘with’ this person. I am giving her the space to grow or not grow, work on herself or not work on herself as she needs or sees fit.

    I have learned that I’ll never truly be objective in an assessment. I could subjectively paint her in many different lights and colors.

    Instead, I’m learning to try and simply observe and witness without categorizing, without labeling, with out recording the movement of a needle from one dialectic extreme to the other.

    I have no idea if this will help me, nor if sharing it will help anyone either. But that’s where I am at currently. 🙂

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