Am I Broken?

​​​​​I’m working on writing a couple of books this summer (yes, two because I’m crazy!) and as a result, I’m finding that my body and brain are resistant to spending time crafting blog posts. And since my new phone now has enough memory to operate (more than I do right now, to be honest), I’ll be sharing some videos through the summer. I don’t have the time (or computer power) to edit these, so they’ll be raw. Please forgive:)

This first one is in response those who are feeling broken after divorce, a sentiment I have been encountering quite a bit recently.

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8 thoughts on “Am I Broken?

  1. Thank you, Lisa, for the beautiful reflection. Good luck with the books, I’m looking forward to reading them.

  2. Thank you. I’ll never forget the many times after I’d initially told my husband to leave, (after having indisputable proof of cheating), in my hands. Confronting him that late Friday night and him denying every single bit of it. Him crying a river of tears standing in front of me telling me I was wrong, the phone records were wrong, Facebook was wrong. On and on and on. Him telling me he’d never thought of touching another woman, let alone cheating. He begged and pleaded as he still cried, and swore I was the most important person in his life since we met in 1994. He was honestly my one true love. I knew that like nothing I’d ever known so sure. I believed we were soulmates. He made me believe that over the years. And I did, all while overlooking things I knew in my gut was wrong. The narcissistic traits he possessed that I had no knowledge of until around 2010 when I sought counseling for major depression. That’s where I began to learn about NPD. My mother also has the maternal traits.
    I still loved him, and somehow I knew not to mention the findings that both my counselor and psychiatrist brought up after meeting my now ex. He tried to run those sessions for each of them. I was mortified. He believed he WON those sessions with them. My next visits with counselor and psych confirmed what they thought and that possibly I was married to a narcissist. I still didn’t know just how grandiose that was. They did. Without a doubt after meeting each and my now ex tried running the “show”. How embarrassing. How ashamed I felt that I was a grown woman in my 40’s at the time and fell victim to someone like him. Then I learned I was the perfect victim for him to choose.
    My marriage of 18 years was a total scam. Lies. A great acting job on his part.
    Yes, I felt more than broken. I didn’t see a way I’d ever be the happy person I’d been before he had his hands in deconstructing me. Dismantling me psychologically, with all the cruel tricks they know so well. I didn’t see how I’d ever possibly put myself back together again. I’m still working on that. I’ll be for some time. But the good news is that I know many of us feel broken and used and abused and it’s never okay for someone to make us feel so stripped of everything we believed we once were. But they do. We’re not perfect and they certainly are very flawed. But I know I’m on my way much farther along than I ever imagined I’d be. I lost most family and most friends because of the crazy making and smear campaign that narcs do and they do it well. I was left in financial ruin and publicly humiliated in court among other things, but I know I’m capable of change and I’ll be the better for it all. He won’t. He’ll be the same user/victimizer I know him to be, and thank goodness I’m free of that and have the peace of mind knowing that I’m safe. I’m just now starting to get my feet wet with a dating app. Slowly. Ugh 😑 Never imagined that and can’t say it’s been great. It’s not at all. But I consider it to be practice for meeting new people and practice is a good thing. And feeling secure in my own skin again is a wonderful feeling, one that’s been a long time coming, but I can see where I’ve advanced with time, and that’s more than I ever expected all those times I recall crying uncontrollably thinking I couldn’t be fixed. I was wrong. I’m stronger than I thought, just as all of us are going through these motions. Men and women alike. These feelings are not gender specific, and I know that if I could pull myself back together alone after some very long years now, all of us can. I believe that. Thanks Lisa, for always reminding us that we are in fact stronger than we ever believed to be. You have been and continue to be a fabulous inspiration.

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