The Illness
It was just a respiratory infection. But it was the first illness I suffered without him. I’m not sure what hurt more, my throat or my heart. I felt so vulnerable, so weak and so alone. I had become accustomed to his help. And its absence left me feeling helpless.
To lessen its sting… First, ask for help. A spouse will often step up automatically. Friends and family may first need an invite. It’s not a sign of weakness to admit when you need assistance. Then, reframe your internal dialog. Instead of focusing on being alone, paint it as a sign of how bada$$ you are. You don’t need your ex to see you through. You got this.And so much more.
The Happy Couples
Who knew that a trip to the local park could be so painful? I had a habit of running those trails alone during my marriage with never a thought to those sharing the trails. But somehow, after he left, those same trails filled with happy couples, walking hand-in-hand. And for the first time, I felt alone on those runs.
To lessen its sting… This is one of those situations where you may have to use a little avoidance (for goodness sakes, stay away from the dimly-lit restaurants on Friday night) and dark humor (What in the world does she see in him? I bet she’s in it for the money!) to survive in the beginning. And then redirect your energy from wondering about other people’s lives to creating a life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled, even if you don’t have a hand to hold.
The Invitation
At least the invitation didn’t say, “Mr. and Mrs. —,” although it may as well have. The implication was clear – bring yourself and your significant other. But I didn’t have an other, significant or no. My first impulse was to simply avoid the event, to be alone by myself instead of alone in a crowd. But I changed my mind. And I was glad I did.
To lessen the sting… Make contact with other attendees before the event and cue them in on your solo status. Or, designate a friend as your plus-one for the night and make an effort to relax into the moment. Take advantage of the opportunity to have meaningful connections with people that maybe you wouldn’t have if you had your spouse along with you. Make this your coming out as your single, sexy and awesome self party.
The Remarriage
I sat in the passenger seat of his car, looking through the compartments for clues, when I found it. His vows to his other wife. It was a slug to the gut, these proclamations of love and devotion to another woman. I felt discarded. He was moving on and I was still reeling, alone.
To lessen the sting… First, know that you’re not alone (this was the most frequently searched for post in 2016). It’s hard for most people to see their spouses in a new relationship when they are still single. Then, strive to reach the acceptance that their life no longer has to impact yours. Your happiness and sense of belonging have nothing to do with your ex unless you allow them to. Put your energy into combating your own loneliness. Here’s how.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 
A little late . been in agony
I am so sorry to hear that. Sending you healing thoughts.
I was lonely in the marriage, when I was sick and in the bed. To lesson the sting? I recommend a body pillow! It’s great to snuggle with and sleep.
Yes! And they never snore or steal the covers!!
… or complain about your reading lamp until you switch it off and just lie there awake and alone and sleepless.
That too!
The first illness after I left was actually refreshing. When we were married he was not there for me during illness and at one point had to be talked into driving me to the emergency room.
I took comfort in that I had handled this alone before and did not have someone second-guessing my choices or questioning how sick I really was.
What a powerful experience!
I have read so many testamonials on here. It is comforting to a point to know at least that what your feeling is typical and “normal”. You havent tripped and gone over the edge. Yet. As i have often heard ,it takes two to marry but only one to get a divorce. Sad. I think more marriages could survive if human beings could ever learn to put the other first and if the two would or could learn to not take advantage of orvtake for granted the other person in their life. Unfortuneatly it seems to be a part of our fabric as humane beings. I think my greatest fault is that i am too giveing and forgiveing. I was taught to be that way. People are not perfect . They have bad days. Im too willing to overlook faults. Ive chngd or am trying to chng that in myself. People dont respect kind gentle careing loyal giveing people. But if that is who i am. Who do i become. It sadens me.
Great thoughts to lesson the pain of the after effects of divorce. I know I have felt all of these and wish I had thought of some of these. My solution was to shove my feelings down deep and ignore them… oops not the best idea. Thank you for your post
I think I can (and so far have) handle the first seven relatively well, but the last one is already making me nauseated just thinking of it, and it isn’t even on the near horizon as far as I know. I find myself playing that scene out in my head at random times and it never feels like something I will be able to deal with with grace or rationally. Hopefully, by the time it does happen (because I have no doubt that he will not live out the rest of his days alone – and maybe already isn’t – by any stretch of the imagination) I will be ready and able. It will still make my want to vomit though.
It’s okay to feel that way!
I am 14 years later and remarried now. Because the relationship was abusive, it’s taken a little longer to recover. We were 20 years in the military and 2 children. So the life I had since I had been 19 was ripped. I always felt it was like being in a car that was traveling about 60 mph and someone tied a rope to the bumper, and when it reached the end, it snapped me back and the car kept going. Because we had been in the military for so long and because the circumstances that caused the end, I was left with nothing. No money, house or anything. If not for my parents, I would have been homeless. Thankfully, I’ve made a new life for myself, with a good job and life. Still in recovery. Coming from an abusive relationship sometimes takes longer to climb out of.
That is a powerful and apt analogy. You are so right that abuse makes moving on harder. Glad you’re out and your car’s still running:)
I still have to think about who to list as an emergency contact.
Any ideas yet?
I usually end up listing my ex in laws. They live in the same town and have permission to pick up my son from school if needed
That sounds perfect for the interim.
The one that got me was the emergency contact, that was tough. And I literally had a meltdown the first time I had to answer the Married/Single/Divorced demographic. Technically, I was still married, but separated and in the midst of a divorce… as if I didn’t already feel like an outcast. Eventually, I had some “bitter” fun when visiting joint doctors –telling them to separate our information because M could “use his girlfriend’s insurance as his wife no longer was carrying him on hers.” The poor people in the wake of that bitterness, there was lots of awkward silence.
Oh, yeah. I let out some of that bitterness on poor unsuspecting folks too. I’ll never forget the hug I got from the saleslady at AT&T because I couldn’t answer my identifying questions since my ex hijacked my credit.
Hopefully better days are with you now:)
Oh yes, each day is better! I had moments too where support came in unexpected places… grateful moments. : ). Thank you for such a great post!
Yep I’ve experienced most of those….really well expressed though – thankyou.
Sorry you’ve experienced them:(
1.5 years since the separation. I’m a man. I gave and put all my identity into my family and marriage. She left me for my friend. They are so happy and see my son more than I do. I miss him so , I have my daughter half time.
It’s not a family. I’m alone , scared , miserable. I can’t stand dropping them off and picking them up. I’m crushed and crying all the time. Suicidal.
I have lost hope in happiness again.
Therapy. ASAP. If you can’t do it for you right now, do it for your kids.