I’m so excited
And I just can’t hide it:)
Coming Soon…
I’m so excited
And I just can’t hide it:)
How to Air Your Dirty Laundry
I often receive messages from people who are contemplating starting a blog documenting their own divorce journey. They are usually nervous about discussing such personal detail in a public forum (me too!). And they have questions for me. Sometimes really good concerns, like the ones below.
Here’s my advice for those contemplating a divorce blog. I’m no expert. I screw things up a lot. But I do have several years experience now sharing my personal life with others (Why I Write).
Frankly, I’m kinda nervous to go through my writings and remember things I’m happy to have forgotten.
Yeah, it sucks. I cried a ton while writing the book and I’m still known to cry while writing (or even re-reading) certain blog posts. But it’s cleansing. The writing helps the processing and the repetition helps lessen the sting. We often want to hide from the pain, to pretend we are healed before we really are. If you read it and it still bothers you, you’re still holding on to the pain. The only way to truly heal is to go through it.
I’m nervous about looking pathetic and/or vengeful and/or vindictive
Some people will always read you that way. You should see some of my HuffPost hate mail. I finally realized that it’s their own garbage talking. But most people reading you will be going through their own divorce and they’ll get it. Trust me, we’ve all had some pretty powerful revenge fantasies. Don’t slander but also don’t be afraid to speak the truth of your emotions.
Over-sharing (maybe somewhat related to the above). there are things that divorced people fantasize that I assume would horrify the general public.
Create your own boundaries and stick to them. For example, I’ll share anything about my ex/former marriage (except his identity – read why) but I’m much more careful with my current marriage; much of that is off the table. As for the content, I’m not afraid to speak the brutal, harsh truth. It’s reality sometimes. An important note here – if your divorce is not final, most attorneys will tell you not to share publicly.
Something about letting sleeping dogs lie
I thought about that one myself once I entered into a stable relationship and had done most of the healing. However, I realized that it’s important for those of who have made it through and are willing to share our stories: beginning, middle and hopefully not-the-end.
The possibility that repercussions could involve her posting her own commentary that escalates things in a public forum.
It’s a risk. I don’t worry about that since mine has a felony warrant – it makes a nice “gag order” 🙂 Always assume that anything you write online (even if posted anonymously) can (and most likely will) be found by your ex and his/her family. If you have kids, they may see it too. Keep that in mind.
Since my documentation is almost exclusively emails to various people or gchats or text message, it is very personal and colored with visceral anguish. i wouldn’t know how to turn these into something along the lines of a palatable blog.
Just write. It’ll shape itself over time as you find your voice.
However, going with a “just the facts ma’am” approach, i’d fear being too cut-and-dried/black and white/matter-of-fact/sterile, and where is the catharsis in that?
People respond more to emotion. Let your fingers be a conduit for your feelings.
Getting my facts messed up (he-said-she-said, second-hand communication, etc.)
Don’t worry about it. All memory is fallible.
Writing is one of the most effective strategies for dealing with divorce and loss. Sharing your story add another dimension: dialog with others, the sense of being part of a community and an opportunity to help people in a similar situation. However, sharing is not without risk. Make sure you plan ahead before you hang your dirty laundry out to dry on the internets.
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Guest Posters Wanted
I’m stealing this idea from Matt over at Must Be This Tall to Ride. He has lots of good ideas. And this is one of them.
I’m going to be away from my computer for a week or so next month. Instead of trying to write posts ahead of time while writing them for now (yikes!) or recycling my old stuff (yawn…) or letting the site go dark for several days (scary!!!!), I’m looking for guest posts to feature.
Lots of you are writing some great stuff about topics that relate to my site and from a different perspective than I have (like those of you with kids – tip of the hat to those who tackle parenting).
Please, please, please write something for me!?!
Here are the specifics:
-Posts can be any length, but I would prefer that the content be original (not already published on your blog).
-The topic is up to you; however, I won’t publish something that is simply ex-bashing with no greater purpose (although I commiserate!)
-Please proofread before you send; I’m the world’s worst at picking up (and making!) typos.
-Include any pictures that you want with your post, a short bio and links to your site and any other social media you use.
-For those of you that blog anonymously, that’s no problem. Just craft your bio how you want:)
-email your submission to lessonsfromendofmarriage@gmail.com by July 2 (procrastinators – that’s a hard deadline!!).
-If I like it and think it’s a good fit, I’ll set it to publish on my site with links on all of my social media and I’ll let you know the date that it will go live.
Thanks in advance and I look forward to seeing some great work!
Lisa
What a Difference
What a difference two years makes. Two years ago, my first piece was published on The Huffington Post. Before that, I was a fledgling blogger with few followers (if you want a giggle, go back and read my early stuff – it’s pretty funny). Overnight, or so it seemed, my name started appearing in search engines (little creepy…) and I started getting calls from folks in the media (sometimes creepier). It was strange. Exciting, but surreal. I did not consider myself a writer (the book wasn’t even finished) and I was surprised and often touched (and sometimes disheartened) by the responses. I had been anonymous before the HuffPo piece and, all of a sudden, my life was laid bare. Talk about vulnerable.
Now, I can’t imagine my life without writing; it is a core part of who I am. And, I’m super excited to announce that two years after my first big break, I have another one. My writing will now be appearing on Maria Shriver’s website, which is billed as sharing “Inspirational Stories for Architects of Change.” That is a message I can certainly get behind. I am honored to be a part of the site and of that mission.
So, check out my first post there (and please share!) and be sure to look around her site if you haven’t yet. There are some amazing posts there that will inspire you to design and build the life you want.
I also want to extend a great big “thank you” to my loyal readers. Writing is best when it is shared and I feel blessed to have so many people reading and sharing.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas
I recently became aware of the blogger and Twitterer Lisa Adams (@AdamsLisa). Lisa is a mother of three who is living with and dying from stage four breast cancer. She has been in the news lately because some journalists have spoken out against her publicly discussing her illness and the realities of dying. The writers are praising those who die quietly, privately while decrying Lisa’s warrior stance against her disease.
Lisa’s approach to her disease is hers and hers alone. I am thankful that she is willing to share the good, the bad and the ugly of the entire experience. Our modern western existence is separated from death and dying. It has been turned into something medical and removed. Many of us never see its nuances until we face it ourselves. As a psychology of grief class I took explained, this separation of life from death complicates the modern grieving experience. It pulls a shroud over the entire process, even though it is a universal one.
Lisa’s tweets can be difficult to read for those not in the same boat. We want to believe that it cannot happen to us. We want to turn our heads.
And we can.
We can choose not to read. Not to see.
But I’m glad it’s there for those who find reassurance in her words and comfort in her thoughts.
And for all of us, living near death reminds us how to be alive.
I have no close, personal experience with cancer. I have not had it and I have not been close to someone dying of it apart from my experience in the pediatric oncology ward. But I do have experience with writing about another of life’s uglier sides. And, like Lisa, I have faced negativity and those who question why I choose to write about divorce.
I cannot speak for Lisa Adams, but I can share why I refuse to be quiet.
I refuse to be quiet because my silence makes others more comfortable.
I refuse to be quiet because if my voice can help one other person, it is worth speaking.
I refuse to be quiet when a chorus of voices can help create change.
And I refuse to be quiet because doing so feels like dying while I am still alive.
So, Lisa Adams, share your voice and know that it is heard and that we all benefit from listening.
And even though you may not kick cancer’s butt, you’re kicking butt on your way out.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
And know that your voice will be heard long after you’re gone.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 