Why is forgiveness so hard?
Is it that our pain screams to be heard and validated?
Is it because we feel entitled to an apology and reparations for any wrongdoing?
Is it coming from a belief that any attack was targeted and any forgiveness is simply showing weakness?
Is it based on a conviction that forgiveness is only owed to those that deserve it?
No matter the reason to withhold forgiveness, there is no debating the fact that finding forgiveness is hard.
Damn hard.
Perhaps the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
And perhaps one of the most important.
I read this synopsis of some studies today that explain the link between forgiveness and physical health. It turns out that holding onto anger and victimhood literally makes you sick.
That seems like as good of a reason as any to work to achieve forgiveness.
The piece above discusses many of the same strategies I talk about: depersonalizing, reframing and seeing the person who harmed you with compassion.
I worry sometimes about the uptick in people characterizing their exes as narcissists. Yes, there are people in this world that are all-bad and have no qualities that are relatable or redeemable. But those people are very few and far between.
Most of our exes, although they may be assholes of the highest caliber, are not monsters. And I worry when they are characterized as such because it often leaves the labeler holding the anger.
And, as discussed in the attached study, the sickness.
Don’t forgive because they deserve it.
Forgive because you do.
Related:
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 