Term Limits

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have several people in my life who are at the difficult stage of having to make the decision to put a beloved family pet to sleep. I feel for them and I know that I will join them soon with my own Miss Kitty.

It’s hard – we take in these creatures and they become an integral part of our lives. They lick tears off our faces when we’re sad, comfort us when we’re sick and greet us with a smile even when the world seems to have nothing but harsh words for us. They follow us through life transitions – vetting dates, sniffing infants as they arrive from the hospital and filling a void when children leave. They are the trusted confidants of the entire family. The house clown and the soft teddy bear.

We take them on knowing full well that they will only be with us for 10 years. Or 15. Or, if we’re really lucky, a few more. But we still know that their time with us has a limit. And that no matter when it arrives, the end will come before we are ready.

On my evening run today, thoughts of our animals swirled around with thoughts of marriage. I was just coming off an interesting Twitter discussion with @survivinglimbo and @OMGchronicles where we were debating the concept of divorce as a failure. Here is Surviving Limbo’s take. And here is Vicki Larson’s, aka OMG Chronicles, perspective.

I think I’m somewhere in between. Here’s what I’ve written in the past, before marriage #2. I know I don’t view my first marriage as a failure even though it ended. I guess to me it was good (at least from what I knew) while it lasted and I learned from its ending. That’s not a failure in my book. At the same time, I experience discomfort with Vicki’s concept that maybe a marriage should be term limited with an option to renew the contract at a particular point. Perhaps I’m still naive or idealistic, but I continue to hold onto the intent of a marriage lasting a lifetime (even though I am well aware that the reality may be different).

But maybe sometimes marriage is not unlike our animals. It comes in, occupies every corner of our lives. It brings smiles and joy. And then (sometimes) it fades away. Maybe in 10 years. Or 15. Or for those that are very lucky, a few more.

For me, I like the idea of a lifetime commitment. To doing all that I can do make it work. I don’t like living with the end in mind.

But even when ends come, it just means the term limit has expired.

It says nothing about the term itself.

 

Fifty Shades of Gray Through the Eyes of a Divorcee

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Fifty Shades of Grey at SeaTac newsstand

I read this book last week on assignment from a coworker.  She has the delightful idea of have a Fifty Shades of Gray party, which sounds like the perfect way to blow off some steam after two weeks of standardized testing.  I must admit, I was curious to read the book and see what all the buzz was about.

Let’s be frank.  It’s erotica.  Not that great.  Not that unique.  It’s spiced up with a little BDSM, but even that is pretty tame, at least in the first book.  The characters are unbelievable (22 and never really been kissed?  please!) and the writing a bit tedious at times.  So, why the appeal?

I did have a few insights as to why the book gained so much popularity, especially among the divorced crowd.

For those of us on the other side of a marriage, we have lost faith in the binding nature of that contract.  It has become a piece of paper, easily torn.  The characters in  Fifty Shades of Gray spend an inordinate amount of time debating the stipulations of their contract.  I could see the appeal, the comfort, that would be brought by such a document.  It spells out exactly the terms of the partnership and responsibilities of each person.  There is no gray area, no room for interpretation.

The contract gives a sense of security in the relationship, essentially saying, “You do these things and it will be okay.”  Real life certainly doesn’t come with assurance like that.

Many women probably enjoy the return to innocence that can be found in the female character. It can take them back to a time before their views of relationships were sullied.  They can experience those early thrills again through her doe-like eyes.

Most of all; however, the book is simply sex.  And, due to its popularity, it is sex that is safe for public consumption and discussion, encouraging women to be open about their thoughts and desires.  That is the true value of the book.

Well, that and Fifty Shades of Gray parties, of course:)

(You can find my full story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage.)

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