“But yesterday was so normal,” the brain kicks up in response to the news.
Turning away from the harsh reality of today.
The chest feels heavy, each breath straining against the bindings of grief. The gut is hollowed. Your body a brittle shell with the fleshy insides scooped out. You feel muted. Distant. A mere imitation of the person you were just yesterday.
The brain dances around the truth like a butterfly in the breeze, landing on the facts for only a moment before taking flight again.
Providing logical arguments that the reality is not real and when it seems inevitably so, offering bargains to alter its course. Because there must be some way to change these unbearable facts.
The whole terrible truth is massive and impossible to fathom, so the brain instead fixates on the inconsequential details. Looking for purpose and seeking a sense of control in a world gone mad.
There are those moments when you forget and a sight, a sound, a smell leads to an impossible expectation. That when dashed, makes the viscera plummet all over again.
Images are seared into your mind, branding you with the sweet pain of burned memory. Replaying like a track on repeat, only the song is a reminder of what you have lost.
The details of daily life, so important yesterday, have faded into obscurity. Have become meaningless. Because in the agony of today, nothing else matters.
Sometimes, we can choose to view the silver linings. And sometimes, there is no sense, no gain and no value to be found.
And in those moments when life is just hard, all we can do is reach out to those around us, be grateful for what we’ve had and learn how to move forward through the pain.
Trusting that hard will become easier in time.
Does it get easier? – I wish I could see some light. Don’t get me wrong I have good days, but these days described above seem to consume me. I wonder when I will feel balanced to a point where I can not let my emotions get the best of my entire day. Last two days have been difficult, guess it would be easier if we didn’t have children together so there could be some distance. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life is divorcing after 17 years. Hurts my heart and I just wish more than anything I felt okay. Good article today, words beautifully written.
I was married for 20 years and my entire life that I had lived for those years was completely obliterated in an instant! Plus he was abusive for 20 years so it’s taken the last 13 years to overcome all the abuse. I’ve learned that healing happens in layers. Your heart will heal and eventually, the hurt will go away. I believe divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
You’re so right. Layers. Lots and lots of layers.
I agree with Desirae – beautifully written. I’m almost at 22 years and divorcing. Been in purgatory for almost 3 because he left back in 2014 right after 19th wedding anniversary. Time does heal and days like the above description get fewer. But they still come back occasionally.
Some days we just need to let the sadness wash over us, hoping that the next day brings something to distract us. I am 3 years post discard. He left after 40 years together, for a woman 25 years younger. They are happy together and have everything they want. I have had to start from scratch in my 60s. I have forgiven them and have maintained my integrity, but the sadness is sometimes overwhelming, I have no choice but to go on for the sake of my kids and grandkids. This article is one of hope. Thank you.
I feel and ache for you. I didn’t have as many years as you, 18 total, separated after 16. Divorce was brutal. I lost everything I’d worked all my life for in what was still in my mind the biggest clusterf+^k of an unfair, unjust divorce. My husband fabricated false records of.nearly everything, along with NOT complying with what was required. EVER. My facts and proof proved nothing to the female judge who saw me as a gold digger. I’ll never forget the agony and embarrassment. He moved in with a woman the very next day after I found proof of cheating. Of course he denied with rivers of tears. I’d always trusted him. She dumped him in two months which then he moved in with a former friend of both of ours who he’s still with. He’s a class A Narcissist in every trait. Can’t be alone a day in his life. What’s worse was he moved within a mile of my daughter from my first marriage to my high school sweetheart. We divorced when my daughter, (now 36), was just two. Him never having been a father to her, chose my now ex, (her ex step dad), over me,
(I had no idea I was up for grabs). They are known for making their former spouses, S/O’s into the crazy ones while making themselves the victims. This has been almost 5 years since I’ve seen my daughter and my three young granddaughters. It’s broken me beyond heartbroken. She believes she has a relationship with him last I was told by a niece. I know that relationship is only based on keeping me away and weak so that I don’t drag him into court on contempt charges for non payment of any maintenance he was ordered. I can’t afford an Atty. I’m told I qualify for legal aid, but have been dumped to the bottom of the heap since I don’t have children who need child support. I’m struggling. Been struggling. But if anything I do have the peace of mind that he’s no longer in my life for further destruction. That’s priceless.
Please don’t assume that your ex and the younger woman are happy. I’ve made that mistake and only made myself feel worse. In reality I doubt any of them are so happy. Cheaters with cheaters will never trust each other. After all, they were cheating while cheating with each other. Please don’t waste too much thought on that like I did. I know the woman he’s with. I know they had nothing in common at all other than they both were crazy about HIM. She was there with an open door freshly divorced and eager to start her life with my husband. It took two long excruciating years to get from separated to divorced. And that divorce didn’t final much of anything that’s still unsolved and goes without him being charged and brought up on contempt charges at the least. I’m afraid to do it alone. He’s “won” on everything he’s ever set out to do since I asked him to leave. I became enemy #1 at that time.
My daughter and I have lost 5 years of a close mother daughter relationship I want back more than anything. It takes a very low life person to deconstruct what we had over a long period of time.
She’s never once come to me and asked one single question. It’s killed me inside but I still hold out hope she’ll see him for who he really is.
I can relate to how you feel totally. I’m yet to try to trust myself to think about being involved with anyone if I were even to put myself out there.
I wish the very best for you, and hope with time, things get much better and you’ll see your worth, because you are WORTH IT AND WORTH BEING LOVED.
I needed this today,this reminder that I’m not alone in these feelings. Thank you
I think eventually we stop grieving but the sadness of loss never completely goes away. Even after being married again for 13 years, every once in a while I think of my ex and where we would be today. That makes me sad that he chose to throw his life away but it was his choice.
I was married for 24 years. I was engaged at 16 and married by 17. I came from a dysfunctional home where my father cheated on my mother, beat both my mother and my siblings, got high,got drunk and lashed out on us. when i was 14 he murdered my sister in front of me. It was the worst life a 14 year old can have so i got married to the first man that i felt something for and i thought he felt for me at the age of 17. During my marriage i was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally. At the time I thought i was lucky that anyone even wanted me because I came from such a crazy environment and my family dynamics was so dysfunctional. I later discovered that i was worth more than he can ever be or give but before i understood my valuing he left me for his niece at the age of 53. She was 17 at the time. He fall in love with his niece. It was the worst pain i had ever endured other than watching my sister be shoot in the head twice. I learned to sooth myself and read a lot of self healing books. With time i overcame some of the pain. I went back to school and got a degree and now i am working towards my masters. I got remarried 2 years ago next month. Life is hard, It still is but now i face new challenges ones that i am capable of working threw with the help of my therapist. I still struggle with life in general at certain times and there are times when i feel okay. What im trying to say is that there is hope that we can move forward. we just have to try and hope that things will be better and that the pain will not swallow us.
You are exactly right! I didn’t have a bad family life but I married a sociopath. He was mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive to me and add physically abusive to my son and daughter that ended with sexual abuse of my daughter. We eventually got out and he had sex with a 16 yr old that landed him in jail. Healing takes time and even 13 years later, I have moments of sadness. Not necessarily over him, but of losing the life of a military wife that I loved so much!
My now ex is also a narcissist, sociopath.
My family life as a child was dysfunctional, but not in the typical sense. My parents neglected to show any affection or encouragement, praise, etc. I was the third of three kids. Seven years after my brother. 12 years after my sister. I felt like a stranger in my own home. As long as my grades were good, (as they always were), there was little else ever spoken of.
No foundation for any self esteem or self confidence. Counselors say it’s why I chose the men I did. Controlling jealous men that I misunderstood for love.
Thank you for sharing. These more subtle forms of abuse are rarely spoken of or addressed. Withholding attention and love is certainly neglect.
My God, my heart goes out to you!
I can’t imagine what you’ve endured, but you’re one strong woman. Hoping the very best life has to offer you!
My heart goes out to – what a tough hand to be dealt. Kudos on your attitude, what a testament to you.
I asked for a divorce after 17 years of marriage. Even though it was what I wanted with every fiber of my being…it still hurt. I cried for 3 months straight. It was one of the greatest gifts I gave myself. Still, sometimes it hurts, then I have to talk to him and am instantly reminded why I didn’t not want to be married to him anymore.
I don’t have a fairytale life but I have MY life. With all it’s ups and downs and sideway spin outs it’s mine and I love it.
I think we all find out how much stronger we are than we ever imagined. I don’t doubt for a second how hard it is.
I filed for divorce from mine, but that was after I found proof he’d been cheating, & told him to leave. I was devastated. I loved the man who treated me like less than dirt and I didn’t even realize it, they do it so subtly over years. I’ll never forget when he left that next morning, he turned around and said “Go ahead and file”, with the smirk on his face that made me ill. He went from crying and begging just 12 hours prior to that and denying he’d ever thought about touching another woman. And I wanted to believe him but couldn’t. It’s hard to imagine just how many lies I lived while thinking I was an intelligent woman and my husband loved me. It’s as if someone took over my brain and washed all my common sense away for years. From that day on I was the enemy. The crazy one. I should have known and come to my senses years before but it didn’t happen that way
My life is not great. But it doesn’t have him in it and that brings me peace of mind. Maybe the only peace I have to this day, but I know I’m better off, and you’ll be fine and so will I one day. I suppose it’s our choice and i know it’s way overdue for me.
Best of everything to you.
❤️❤️❤️
All i can say is feel you, Some times life is just hard. no hows, whys, whens or whats. Just hard