10 Ironclad Rules for Living After Divorce

rules

While I was in life limbo post-divorce, I crafted 10 rules for myself to follow. These were rules born partly of pragmatism, partly of fear and anger and mostly of determination. The rules were written in the relative vacuum of the weeks following a divorce. Easy to craft. They’ve proven harder to follow.

So here they are, my 10 promises to myself. Maybe you’ll decide to make them too.

1 – Never Give in Expectation of Reward

I played by life’s rules. Played it safe. It was a barter of sorts – I’ll sacrifice now and you’ll spare me later. But life didn’t play by those rules. And I grew angry. I felt betrayed not only by my husband, but also by life. I did everything right, so why was I being punished? I promised myself to give up on the idea of sacrifice. To instead give or abstain when I wanted to with no expectation of any reward or pardon.

2 – Never Treat Life As a Waiting Room

I just need to get through this month and then I’ll relax.  Money is tight right now, but we just need to make it through until next year when business should pick up. I know I haven’t seen much of my friends lately. I’ll remedy that as soon as the summer starts. Yeah, I was a pro at justifying this delayed gratification. And the problem? Some of those expected events never did occur and more reasons to wait did. I promised myself to live every day, no matter what better days seemed to lie around the next corner.

3 – Never Be a Guest in Your Life

When you’re a guest, you try to occupy the smallest footprint possible. To not make waves. And that’s no way to live for long. It was shocking to me when I moved in with my friend and her family after my husband exited stage left – I realized I had been feeling more like a guest in my home (and marriage) of 10 years then I did with her. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be a guest in my life again; I was going to occupy my life fully.

4 – Never Let Fear Hold Your Head in the Sand

I’ve never been good at confronting my fears. I basically took the “mosters under the bed” theory way too far – as long as I didn’t look, they weren’t real. Right? 🙂 Not so much. I started by facing the easier fears – going downhill, sharing my emotions publically and leaving to-dos undone. Those proved scarier when avoided than confronted. Then came the harder ones – vulnerability and trust. Still scary. I promised myself that I woud face those things that made my heart race and trust that I can handle them.

 

Continue to read the rest.

Thank you for sharing!

12 thoughts on “10 Ironclad Rules for Living After Divorce

  1. LoveLi – I am creating a new life in my forties after experiencing divorce. I have three adult children, amazing friends, a supportive family, and a job I love. I am an introvert who loves people but also needs time to myself to recharge. I love reading, movies, gardening, chocolate and wine.... not necessarily in that order! I have always been a secret writer, with journals hiding in my closet that not a soul has laid eyes on. This is a small start to putting my writing "out there". Music is like breathing to me, and I can't imagine my life without it. I am not a musician (although I did take plenty of lessons growing up), but I also have pages and pages of song lyrics stored away. I love to sing, and I listen to music as often as possible. My other love is nature and I am most at peace when I am near water. Although I have faced some pretty major challenges, I feel incredibly blessed and my life is good.
    LoveLi says:

    Reblogged this on The Moments Between and commented:
    I love this post. I can relate to this and see the value in these “rules”. Good to remember!

  2. “…it is just is. We ultimately decide what comes from it.”
    I have said this to myself many times. Glad to see I’m not the only one.

  3. divorceshoes – I'm lots of things. But I am definitely divorced! I'm not an expert on anything (but myself.. and sometimes that is questionable..) Becoming divorced was the most difficult thing I have had to deal with so far- and I don't think I am the only person who feels that way. Sometimes we all just need to know that someone else understands. That they have walked in Divorced Shoes too... I'm the mother to 3 beautiful kids.. Which makes me a 'single mom'. I work. Which makes me 'a single working mom..' The list goes on and on!
    divorceshoes says:

    I’m working so hard on #2 right now. Living in the moment…

  4. crazybutttricia – I'm not as crazy as the name implies, but trying to set up an email account over 10 years ago drove me to the brink of insanity, so I ended up with this name. This is my first attempt at blogging and I am still trying to figure it all out and make it look right. Any suggestions are welcome, really.
    crazybutttricia says:

    Reblogged this on Crazybutttricia and commented:
    I love this list, and will keep it in mind for my future self. The road to divorce is a difficult one, most definitely, but I have the feeling that the road after divorce is just as rocky and difficult to navigate if you keep doing what you’ve always done.

  5. crazybutttricia – I'm not as crazy as the name implies, but trying to set up an email account over 10 years ago drove me to the brink of insanity, so I ended up with this name. This is my first attempt at blogging and I am still trying to figure it all out and make it look right. Any suggestions are welcome, really.
    crazybutttricia says:

    Thank you for this list, perfect timing for me to read and reset my goals and focus for my soon-to-be post-divorce self. Wonderfully written.

  6. Krystal L. Perez – New Jersey – I'm a freelance writer and stay at home mom. When I'm not conquering the problems of my family, I'm working on putting my thoughts out to the world.
    Krystal L. Perez says:

    Thank you, Lisa. I’m just at the beginning of the divorce process and I’m still working on finding a way to get through it. This list is a great starting point for me. I have felt so lost over the past 2 months. Before that, I thought my husband and I would work things out. Now I’m trying to find my way as a single woman for the first time since I was 19. I’m going back to my roots and this list is a reminder of what I need to do for me. Again, thank you.

  7. Great Advice.
    I’m printing this up to remind myself daily!
    I’ve been off track from a while..

    Chris

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