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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

How to Crush a Crush

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Crushes are awesome. They are the first day of sunshine after a rainy week. They are a sweet bite of cake that tastes even better than imagined. They are the anticipation of the release of the sequel to your favorite movie.

They remind us that we’re alive. They make us feel attractive and ignite sexual energy. They highlight the best in people and encourage us to see the best in ourselves.

But crushes can also be dreadful.

Especially when they occur when one or both of those involved is already involved with someone else.

And when that happens, the best approach is crush the crush.

Accept It

Denying your feelings won’t work. If you try to bury them, they will only come back to bite you. Accept your crush. Even if you feel like you shouldn’t feel that way. Because you do. And that’s where you have to begin.

Name It

Once you name your emotions, you gain power over them. Sometimes a crush is overwhelming and is christened as “love.” Yet it can’t be love if you don’t even really know the person – the real person, not your fantasy created from a few data points. It’s lust. It’s excitement. It’s novelty.

Create Distance

If you’re in a relationship, it’s your responsibility to head off any potential affairs before they may reach a point of no return. If your crush is in a relationship, it’s your job to respect that partnership. Limit your exposure, especially isolated exposure, to your crush.

Don’t Catastrophize

It’s a crush. Point A. Don’t assume that it’s automatically going to proceed to Point Z. Most crushes burn hot and burn out fast. What may seem like a sign today that you’ve made the wrong choices in life may fade into obscurity before the next mortgage payment is due. Desire is not destiny. 

Take Off the Glasses

The rose ones, that is. When you’re crushing, it’s easy to perceive the object of your ardor as perfection incarnate (in fact, I would wager that most crushes are 98% fantasy and only 2% reality). But they are merely human. Allow yourself to see the imperfections. It helps to temper the roaring flames of fantasy.

Release the Guilt

Crushes are normal. Natural. Don’t beat yourself up for finding somebody attractive. It’s okay to feel that way. Just…

Don’t Act Upon It

If this an illicit crush because one or both people are partnered, then it is best left untested. A crush is a feeling. Feelings pass. If you act upon it, it’s a behavior. And behaviors have consequences.

Don’t Fixate

Yes, you’re thinking about them. It’s going to happen. But don’t encourage it. No stalking on social media. No intentional fantasizing. You’re not going to be able to bar the doors to any thoughts but you also don’t need to roll out the welcome mat.

Channel the Energy

One of the best parts of a crush is the influx of sexual energy and excitement. If you’re in a relationship, tap into that energy and reroute it back into your bedroom. Besides, great sex with your spouse will go a long way to crushing that crush:)



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4 thoughts on “How to Crush a Crush

  1. Maybe it’s weird but I never had a crush on anyone when I was married. Sure, there were women that turned my head or resulted in my gaze lingering longer than it should.

  2. Sound advice. I think not intentionally fantasizing is incredibly important. One might be apt to think, it’s just a thought. But actions are always birthed by thoughts.

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