Uncategorized

I’m being a brat.

I feel it. I know it. But I can’t seem to stop it.

It all started when my husband asked a favor of me the other day.

“I would like for you to do something for me. Commit to trying ten jiu jitsu classes. Only ten. If you try it and hate it, I’ll never mention it again. I’ll make you don’t get hurt and that you’re taken care of. Ten classes is enough for you to get some basic self defense skills that you’ll retain. Also, I want you to see why jiu jitsu is something that I love so much.”

Although I remained calm on the outside, inside I was kicking and screaming, “I don’t want to!” My reaction was strong. Stronger than my rational brain said it needed to be. After all, we’re talking about a commitment of about twenty hours, done according to my schedule and even though I’ve never really participated in martial arts, I’m comfortable with physical endeavors.

So why am I reacting so strongly?

I’ve spent the last couple days teasing apart the layers.

One of my first mental excuses had to do with time. In order to take a BJJ class on a weekend (all that will realistically fit into my schedule), I’ll have to skip a yoga class, shuffle grading papers to another time or give up a date with a friend. I found myself resenting my husband’s schedule, which allows for training (or lunch with friends) during the week and the fact that I do the weekly shopping and laundry opens up his weekends more so than mine.

But that’s not really the issue. I mean, I can resent his freedoms all I want, but it’s me that has been choosing to spend much of my ever-precious summer sitting at my computer more than sitting by the pool. It’s my fault that I get a “A” in adulting while I’m barely scraping by with a “C” in fun-having. And it’s my responsibility to speak up and directly and clearly ask for help when I need it instead of drowning while insisting that I am okay.

All of my drive comes from fear.  Fear of being broke again. Fear of not being able to get things done before a deadline (even a self-imposed one). Fear of being seen as lazy or a taker. Fear of being abandoned again.

Fear of not being enough.

And this jiu jitsu thing has triggered that fear.

Not because I’m scared of the mat. But because I’m scared that if I add one more thing, I’ll lose it. I’ve been so close to breaking down this past school year, I’m afraid to push too hard, fearing fracture.

But this overwhelm has been lying to me. It loves to tell me about the lack of time, the dearth of emotional energy. Yet there is more space than I give myself credit for.

And maybe, trying something new – and learning that I can make the space for it – is exactly what I need.

 

I made it back to the U.S. right around midnight on July 4 after an amazing trip to the Baltics. I managed to rally for a bit yesterday, just long enough to get some laundry done and unpack the bags, before I crashed around 4:00 pm and slept through all of the fireworks and celebrations. Oops. I guess the trip – and travel – wore me out more than I realized.

The cities were absolutely beautiful. The structures ranged in age from medieval to modern, with a persistent sense of stepping into a history book. I quickly gave up on not looking like a tourist and walked around with my mouth gaping open as I took in all of the sights.

 

But as often happens when I travel, I was even more taken with the people than with the physical beauty of the place. The three Baltic states first declared their independence after World War I. Soon after, they were faced the first Soviet occupation, where their religious and cultural freedoms were threatened. The Soviets only left when the Nazis moved in, destroying the large Jewish population of the area. After World War II, the Soviets again occupied the region until 1991, when independence was again achieved.

At every turn, I was amazed at the spirit that the Baltic people showed. At their dedication to their culture and their community. After so much oppression, it would be so easy to give up. But that never happened. Instead, they kept living in spite of and persisted in what they believed in.

Flowers are very important to the Latvian people. I never learned why, but I like to think that it was because it was a little bit of beauty they could bring into their lives on even the darkest of days.

One of my favorite experiences was visiting this little neighborhood in Lithuania that declared its independence in 1997 (I even have a passport stamp from there!). Check out their constitution – I think they have the right idea!

My world has been expanded yet again 🙂 And now I think it’s about time for another nap…

One of my biggest regrets in my old life is how much I put on hold, waiting until “the right time” to take action. Because you know how it is, there’s always a reason that it’s not the “right time.”

As a result, one of the promises I made to myself post-divorce was to not always do the responsible thing. To sometimes decide to spend the money or take the time even when my more practical or anxiety-based self is warning me that I should save and wait and take the safe route.

And after paying off the parting gift of the debt my ex left me with, a large part of that promise has been fulfilled through travel. Since I’ve been able, I’ve done cruises to Alaska and the Bahamas with my husband, a yoga retreat in Costa Rica and two summer road trips with a childhood friend to Prince Edward Island and the Olympic Peninsula.

This year’s trip is even bigger (at least in terms of distance and comfort zones). In just a few days, I’m flying over (way over!) to Latvia, to spend time with the same childhood friend from road trips past.

I’m excited. I’ve really enjoyed traveling with this friend the last couple years and I’m looking forward to more adventures together. And talk about adventure! Not only have I never been to this area of the world, I don’t know much about it. In fact, when she first told me she was moving there, I had to reference a map to get my bearings.

I’m also nervous. I haven’t been to Europe (or anywhere outside of North or Central America) since I was 16. And that time, I was part of a school group with adult chaperones and a carefully-controlled schedule with plenty of tour guide assistance. This time, I’m on my own until I get to Latvia. Definitely a different feeling and a case for self-reliance.

I’m actually enjoying this nervousness. I spend way too much in my comfort zone (and in my classroom or my home office), so I’m looking forward to leaving those things far behind for a few days. I’m being my normal pragmatic self (trip insurance? check. various items ordered and ready to pack? check. books downloaded? check. airport maps analyzed? check.), but I’m also ready to let go and just be in the experience.

Ten years ago, I promised myself that I would no longer be content to patiently pass time in life’s waiting room, passing up opportunities because they were expensive or time-consuming or displeased someone else.

And I’m keeping that promise. One trip, one experience, one “yes” at a time:)

 

What promises to yourself have you been keeping?

 

Mandy and I have been in the same divorce-advice circles for years, but this was the first time we had a chance to speak. It was a great conversation that I think will give people who are struggling to let go of love some practical tips on what they can do.

You can listen to the podcast here or you can read the synopsis of our conversation over on Mandy’s site, Since My Divorce.

Hope you enjoy!