Back to the Past

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I recently stumbled across this spreadsheet mixed in with a bunch of math files on an old USB drive.

IMG_4405

It’s eye-opening to revisit.

I remember writing this one day, sitting at my desk after work. I had just made the decision to remain in Atlanta for the following school year and give my nascent relationship with Brock a chance.

I was preparing to move out of my friend’s home that had been my sanctuary for a year and into my own place.

My budget was small.

My needs were not.

As you can tell from the spreadsheet (yes, I am a math geek), I had nothing. Not even a towel.

Tier 1 were small and could be purchased early. I bought them about two weeks before moving and stashed them in Brock’s garage. I think he was a little nervous that I was moving in and staking my territory. I wasn’t – it was way too soon for that. I was just being efficient.

Tier 2 was the doozy – items that were still critical (more on the rug later), but also big-ticket. Brock gave me his extra mattress, giving me some breathing room (along with some of the tier 1 items that came as gifts from a housewarming- lifewarming?-party a friend had for me). My debit card was turned down at IKEA because the purchase amount was over my daily limit (what the what is that about???). My credit union was closed on Sunday, so we had to do an elaborate dance of the funds where my dad paid via credit card on the phone and I sent him a check the next day.

The rug stands out. It was pricey and not officially needed.

But it was a seed.

And therefore, important.

Many of the tier 3 and 4 items (lower on the priority list) were never purchased. And that’s okay.

This spreadsheet was part plan.

And part dream.

A ladder from where I was.

To where I wanted to be.

And that same IKEA sofa now sits in our living room, now covered in a more Brock and Tiger-friendly grey slipcover instead of the original white.

And underneath that sofa?

That floral jute rug.

In full bloom now.

Gentrification of a Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve been in Atlanta over fifteen years now and in that time, I’ve seen some neighborhoods slide into disrepair and I’ve watched others climb back from near-ruin. It’s fascinating to observe how an area can go from “No way would I ever live there” to “I wish I could afford to live there!” in under a decade.

And this cycle of new hope, establishment, inattention and renewal is not unique to neighborhoods and it effects more than real estate.

We can also witness it in marriages.

A new marriage is like the construction of a new neighborhood. It is full of promise, even as it is devoid of roots and rituals. Everything can seem perfect as no veneer has yet been worn away from use. New friends are made and a different schedule and routine is worked through. Dreams are shared freely and rarely tempered with reality. This is a period of excitement and possibility.

In a relatively short period of time, the new family transitions into a period of establishment and growth. This may be marked by the raising or children or the focus on nurturing careers. Money, time and attention are directed towards the family. The surroundings and environment are personalized to match the needs as the default template of the new marital construction is discarded. This is a period of creation and purpose.

And now is when the problems can begin to occur. The surroundings may begin to feel stale and too constricting. The small issues can grow into larger ones until they crowd out the good. Life gets in the way and places extra demands. Attention and care may no longer directed towards the family and this inattention starves the marriage. This is a period of uncertainty and fear.

In real estate, this is when some people choose to leave the older neighborhood and look for a newer and fresher home elsewhere. Others stay put and still refrain from putting money into their homes, continuing their disrepair. And some stay and invest in their homes, reinventing their existing space.

It’s the same in marriage. You have three choices.

And if you choose to stay and infuse your established relationship with new vitality, take a cue from gentrification:

Much like the early investors and artists that venture into a neighborhood that has seen better days, you have to be willing to take risks and think creatively.

Instead of tearing down everything, look at the underlying structure to see what can be preserved and enhanced.

Be willing to re-purpose. Just because it’s always been that way, doesn’t mean it always has to be that way.

Do those things you have always wanted to do but always put off.  Put those early dreams into action.

Freshen up. Make you and your space inviting and warm.

Know your limitations. Hire help when needed.

Be empathetic and thoughtful when making changes that impact others.

Balance expectations with reality, wants with needs and frustration with thankfulness.

Make your relationship your hub. Your city center. Surround it with what you need.

Talk up your marriage as if it is the most desirable place to be.

Sell it.

And then buy it.

This is a period of renewal.

Hopes and dreams rooted in connection and history.

Best of the old and the new.

Seeing What Isn’t Yet There

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This is the current state of our kitchen.

IMG_4371

The unneeded wall has been removed from above the cabinets. The counters have been cleared for granite measurements (Yes, except for the coffeepot. We’re not sadists.) and the new cabinet doors are being constructed offsite.

Yet apart for a few material samples and copious quantities of paperwork piled on the adjacent bar top, there is little in the space that hints of the kitchen that is to come.

I’ve measured out the spot to where the new counter will extend, adding a breakfast bar. And I’ve overlaid the selected granite with the new stain for the floor and the proposed paint samples for the walls. I’ve visualized the new spice rack and even practiced the new dance steps needed to season something on the stove. I’ve mentally removed the old ceiling fan and smoothed over the defects in the drywall in my mind’s eye.

Sometimes, I think I have a true picture of what it will look like. But then, just as easily, it fades, leaving only the current sad and damaged state in my sight. Along with the sinking feeling that how it is now is how it will always be.

And that’s so often the case, isn’t it? We struggle to see what is not yet there. We fixate on the details of what is rather than visualize the dream of what can be.

Over the next few weeks, as my counters are ripped off and my cabinets are sanded down, it will be easy to get frustrated with the seemingly endless mess, unexpected expenses and inconvenience of living in a construction site.

But often things have to get worse before they can get better. We have to make some messes and remove some things that no longer serve in order to build up what we want.

And we have to be able to see what isn’t yet there.

Trust in our instincts and in the process.

And believe that the vision we hold can be made real.

Even if we cannot always see it clearly.

Three Great Resources to Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

DivorceForce

What It Is This is a relatively new site (soon to be accompanied by an app) that seeks to be the “point person” for those going through divorce. It can be anonymous (in fact, they suggest you create a new email to use when you sign up) and provides relevant articles as well as discussion groups for everything from same-sex divorces to how to handle financial issues. It allows for the sharing of wisdom that comes from  “If I only knew then what I knew now.”

Who Will Benefit This site has great promise to be beneficial to anyone who has ever been touched by divorce, whether you just discovered your partner is leaving a few minutes ago to trying to work through unresolved pain years later.

What I Like About It As someone who endured an atypical divorce, I appreciate this site’s inclusiveness and diversity. Additionally, I am excited about the hyper-local information that can be shared about state laws and even what to expect with particular attorneys or judges. And finally, in a world where it feels like businesses seek to prey upon the wounded, this one really feels like one that wants to help.

With My Kids App

What It Is This app allows for you to privately document all issues surrounding your kids, from activities to expenses. It is designed to be shared with the courts for assistance in custody dispute cases and to help with co-parenting arrangements.

Who Will Benefit This app is indispensable for anybody who is facing a malignant divorce with children in the picture. It allows for the easy collection and display of data that can be helpful in court. And its use doesn’t end when the case does.

What I Like About It This app was created by three people who have been there, done that. They get it.

Guidelines For a Divorce Journal

What It Is This is different than the type of journaling I often discuss. These are recommendations from an attorney for a no-nonsense way of keeping records during divorce.

Who Will Benefit Have you ever been through the divorce process? Most people haven’t until they find themselves in the midst of it. The amount of paperwork is daunting (and so are the lawyer’s bills). These guidelines help you prepare and organize, which may make your divorce go more smoothly.

What I Like About It It feels doable and helps to focus your attention on what matters through the legal process.

This Could Get Interesting

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My husband is obsessed.

If he’s not engaging in it, he’s watching it. Or thinking about it. Or often talking about it.

Sometimes he’ll even abruptly stop whatever he is doing and request that I assume a prone position on the floor so that he can test out some new idea.

And I begrudgingly acquiesce.

Not because I care at all about Brazilian Ju Jitsu.

But because I care about my husband.

Ju Jitsu (BJJ) is simply the latest in a string of martial arts mistresses that my husband has courted since his teenage years. And she is currently tempting him with a black belt held at such a distance that he will reach it in the next couple months.

I’ve never shared his passion for BJJ or any of the marital arts. I respect them. I appreciate them. But they hold no particular allure for me.

But it’s about to get interesting.

Somehow, while watching season 4 of American Horror Story last night, we struck a deal.

I attend three BJJ classes.

And in return, he will engage in four activities of my choosing.

The ground rules were established:

  1. Open minds must be maintained.
  2. Bitching will be kept to a minimum.
  3. The time exchange should be comparable (Ex. 1 1/2 hours BJJ does not equate to 8 hours of tiptoeing through the tulips – not that I’d want to spend a day tiptoeing through tulips anyways).

This could get interesting.

Although we share many common interests (hello, Korn concert this week!), we also have significant areas of our lives where there is little overlap. Parts of our worlds that are largely unknown to the other (although I’ve seen more of his world – both work and play – than he has seen of mine).

I’ve watched enough BJJ to last me a lifetime. But now I have to get on the mat and face the constrictor-like art personally.

Wish me luck.

As for his activities, I immediately decided that I want him to accompany me to the botanical gardens.

And maybe visit a local museum that has an awesome Egyptian exhibit as part of its permanent collection.

But for him to really see my world, I would need to get him into the school. So that he can experience the intensity of 1500 middle schoolers in a contained environment. In these days of increased school security and filled-to-the-brim curriculum, that’s easier said than done.

But I have an idea. My school puts on an amazing Veteran’s Day assembly where students are able to invite relatives who have served. And my husband has served.

He can be honored for his time in the military.

And experience the deafening roar and barely-contained energy of 1500 120-lb hormonal 2-year-olds (what I always compare my students to) in a school gym.

Oh yeah, this could get interesting.