My ex husband has visited me the past several nights.
Not in person, thank goodness, but in my dreams.
When I awoke from the first one, I found myself strangely calm and more than a little perplexed. I was surprised for a couple reasons. I’m nearing the tenth anniversary of the day the marriage died and I have not had a dream about my ex husband in the last nine of those years. So it was more than a little weird to “see” him now.
I was even more astonished at my lack of emotional residue after awakening. Because the last time he visited my dreams, I woke up feeling physically ill and emotionally traumatized. Not to mention completely repulsed at his image imprinted on my brain.
But these recent dreams have been different. In them, he approaches me calmly. Like a normal human would, no longer wearing the monstrous skin he donned when he vacated the marriage. And I respond to his advance like a normal human. No shaking, no emotional tsunamis, no reaction at all really.
There are no words exchanged in the dream that I have been able to recall. And the only touch that I remember was his hand on my shoulder in that way that you do when you’re trying to provide comfort to a relative stranger. Which I guess we are.
I wonder why he is appearing in my dreams now after being absent for so long? Perhaps the significance of a decade apart is tugging at my brain? Or maybe the resolution I’ve had in my waking life for some time is finally settling in to my unconscious brain?
But there’s another explanation that I like the best. It’s silly, really. Not based in scientific reality in the slightest. Yet it somehow feels right. Maybe, just maybe, he’s coming to me now as a kind of peace offering, a sign that he’s in a good place and ready to both acknowledge and learn from the past. These visits are his energetic way of honoring what we once were to each other and offering a blessing to where we are now.
Silly? Yes. But I still accept the peace offering. Even if it’s only in my own head.