Dating after divorce tends to be a deliberate action, entered into consciously and tentatively after years or even decades with the same person. This can be an opportunity for you to clarify your needs and the needs of a relationship before you step out on that first date. The following are my suggestions for your ten commandments of dating after divorce.
One: Your “Must Haves”
Take some time to generate this list; do not assume what it contains. You may be surprised to realize that there are aspects of your ex that you want again or perhaps characteristics that were not important before but are now. For me, my ex was never a match for me physically (I’m not talking about intimacy here; we were an excellent match in the bedroom). I loved to run and lift weights, and enjoyed the social aspect of exercise, whereas he only exercised to lose weight and even then was very private about it. I knew that I wanted someone that would join me on a run or meet me at the gym. I also wanted someone for whom fitness and exercise was a way of life, not just an opportunityto cinch in the belt a bit. As you list your “must haves,” try not to censor them; your subconscious may know more about what you need than your rational mind does at this point.
Two: Your “Must Not Haves”
This list compliments the one above and, in fact, you may find that it is generated at the same time. Like with your “must haves,” you may find that some of these are rather concrete and others are vague and hard to define. That is okay. List them. Even the ambiguous will have meaning to you as you meet people. Two of my items on the “must not have” list were 1) cannot be dishonest (uhmm..great. How do I tell this on a date?) and 2) cannot have kids or want kids (I have pretty strong feelings on this one and it’s not fair to start a relationship with someone who does not match me here). Once you have your lists generated, keep them handy and allow them to be modified or updated as you date and meet new people. They are not set in stone, but they are also not be ignored, especially if you find yourself in the biochemical throes of love lust.
Three: Release Expectations and View Each Encounter as a Lesson
This is a big one. First a reality check. Life is not a romance novel nor a Hollywood movie. That insufferably cute and perfect couple at the park is either in the biochemical throws of lust or has another side to their relationship that you do not see. No one is perfect. No date is perfect. No relationship is perfect. Just let that thought go like a helium balloon in the wind.
Still with me?
Not every date you go one will be good, but every date you go one will teach you something. Try to enter every encounter with an open and curious mind, ready to receive the lessons to come. On some dates, you might learn about someone else, some you may learn about yourself, and yet others you may learn about the intricacies of being a private pilot for a billionaire (yup, true story there). If you enter each date excepting a positive experience, you will be disappointed at least some of the time. If you approach the meeting as a lesson, you will never be let down and you will gain valuable (or at least interesting) information in the meantime.
Four: Be True to Yourself
The period after divorce is a vulnerable time. You may feel amorphous as you break out of the box that defined you as a spouse. You may feel that the true you is unlovable and seek to change your identity. It can be so tempting to expand yourself like a pressurized gas let out of a sealed container. Some expansion and growth is normal and healthy, but make sure that you remain true to yourself and your basic beliefs and values. I started out with a “try anything” approach, but I soon realized that there were “anythings” out there that I had no interest in trying.
Five: Take Baby Steps
This one took me some trial and error. I was so used to being married. I did marriage well, whereas I had no clue how to date. In my first few encounters, I would easily settle in and make myself comfortable as though it was a marriage. It was a known and safe place for me, but not exactly an ideal way to date. There is no rush, no race. Learn to find comfort in the process and the path of dating, rather than being focused on a destination. Move slowly enough that you can appreciate each step and acclimate along the way.
This was a lesson that I learned from my current beau of 2+ years. He emphasized the need to progress slowly, pausing along the way like divers coming from the deep. It allowed both of time to become comfortable and provided opportunity to work through issues as they arose. We were able to set up partnership deliberately, not out of my automatic default setting.
Six: Keep Some Distance
It can be easy to be swept away when you meet someone new. It’s exciting and it feels so good to have that feeling reawaken after you may have been fearing its death. Remember that this feeling is temporary, as the hormones fade back to normal levels, that initial rush will fade too. It’s simple biochemistry. Enjoy the rush when it happens, but maintain enough distance that your rational brain has time to communicate its thoughts to you as well. It’s fine (actually, wonderful) to get caught up in a moment, but don’t let that moment turn into a marriage that you do not intend. Keep some distance so that you can make informed decisions about your future.
Seven: Be Open
I know what you’re thinking: “First she cautions me to keep some distance and now she wants me to be open? Which is it?”
Both.
Be open to new possibilities. Your new paired life may not resemble the old. Your new partner may be different than the former. You, yourself, will most likely change from how you were in your marriage. Be open and willing to investigate these new alternatives.
But keep some distance so that you can check with yourself to make sure that you do not deviate too far from the true you.
When I first joined Match.com, I went out on dates with men that didn’t jive at all with what I thought I liked. I found myself consistently surprised as I found characteristics and attributes attractive that were not on my radar before. If I entered the dating arena with a closed mind, sure of what I liked, I would have never have met those men and learned those lessons.
Eight: Address Your Social Needs
Divorce is alienating. Lonely. The person that you spent most of your time with is gone. You may have lost other friends in the deal or had the nature of friendships slip and slide away. Dating is certainly social, but it should not be the only item on your social calender. In fact, I would recommend that you ensure that you identify your social needs ahead of time (2 hours a week? 10? It varies for everyone.) and plan to have 60-80% of those needs met outside of dating. Join a class, sign up for Meetup.com (I swear most of the people I met on Meetups were divorced!), form a social group at the gym…it doesn’t matter how you address your social needs, just don’t put the weight of them at the feet of your dates.
Nine: Have an Outlet
Ever feel angry at your situation? Sad when you think about what you have lost? Ever need to scream? Cry?
Me too. As you enter the dating world, make sure that you have an outlet for these powerful typhoons of emotion. It can be a therapist, a family member, a friend, or even a dog. You don’t have to keep all of your powerful emotions hidden from a date, but you also don’t want to flood him/her with them either.
Ten: Have Fun
Dating is fun. You get to meet new people and engage in new experiences. You get to explore and question, as you see the world in new ways. Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy yourself along the way.
Dating After Divorce: When Are You Ready?
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that Fifty Shades of Grey makes a much better party theme than a book. My friend who threw the party is truly a hostess with the mostess. Just two of her brilliant (along with some help from her husband) ideas:
A sweet, yet tart mix of Skittles and M&M’s:)
And…
A Grey Goose Martini (of course) with a zip tie holding the olives. How delightfully clever!
I also have to add that our conversations put the passages in the book to shame. We may not have a Mr. Grey around, but none of us were as demure and naive as poor little Ms. Steele. We take things into our own hands.
Fifty Shades of Grey Through the Eyes of a Divorcee
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The end of the school year is always a gentle reminder that it is the nature of things to end. It is both a time for lamenting what has passed and celebrating the journey so far. It is a time for clearing out the old in order to make room for the unknown. It is a time for taking a respite, a breath, before the next chapter begins, as it always does, with new faces and new names. Familiar and yet foreign and the cycle begins anew.
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In a few days, my car will be 13 years old. It is strange how an inanimate object can be tied to so many memories and can act as a benchmark and barometer of life’s major events.
I bought my car, a 1999 Acura Integra, when I was 21 years old and 6 months shy of my wedding. I had just moved across the country to join my fiance, who had relocated several months earlier in order to find work. I felt like I was on the precipice of my adult life: I had moved away from my childhood city, I was soon to be married, and I was in the process of making major decisions about school and career.
We were excited to buy the car. We felt adult. We liked signing our names together on the note and on the title. We felt proud of our research and negotiating powers, paying only $300 over cost and we were able to put over half down. I called my mom, excited to tell her about the new purchase. As I described the leather seats, she moaned, “Oh, Lisa,” in a tone that would have been more at home if she had just found out I had gotten a large tattoo. I didn’t care; it was my car and I loved every inch of it.
It really was my car. My ex was a tall man, about 6’1″. A 2-door Integra wasn’t exactly a comfortable fit for him. We used his vehicle (which changed over the years) whenever we went someone together. My car remained mine and mine alone.
In the early months, she was often filled with unique finds to make our apartment feel more like a home. Soon after we married, we purchased a house that we immediately began to remodel. My car was never without a random tile, a leftover tub of spackle, or a paint sample strip as we worked to create our dream house.
When she wasn’t driving to Home Depot, she took me back and forth to school to get my B.S. and then later my master’s. She took me to small jobs as a receptionist and a physical therapy technician before I settled on becoming a teacher. Once my career was set, she had only to carry me 3 miles round trip each day to the middle school down the street.
Even though my ex was rarely in the car, he worked to make it better for me. He pulled off all of the interior of the doors to insert extra insulation to cut the road noise. He replaced the factory stereo with a hand-me-down of his and hard-wired in the XM radio. He took on the repeating task of washing the exterior and vacuuming the inside. He made his mark.
As my car began to age and my ex bought a new car, she began to be the choice transportation for the dogs. I also developed a passion for gardening, and I would frequently fill her to the brim on biannual trips to a local budget nursery. Her carpets still have stray leaves and embedded dog hairs; signs of a life left behind.
My car’s life changed after the divorce also. She had been protected in a garage up until that point. Now, she bears the hail scars and pollen stains of a life lived outside. With the addition of a GPS (a post-divorce gift from a friend), she has led me on adventures, traveling further than she ever had before (with the added security of a AAA card in deference to her advanced age). Her title has changed over the years: first my maiden name and my ex’s name, then my name changed to match his, and now, she is in my name alone. Her plates have changed, reflecting my move across town.
She no longer has the shiny unblemished exterior of her youth. Her leather seats now show cracks from where my legs rub against them (and where my tears fell for many months). Her trunk no longer opens and her antennae often sticks. But that hunk of steel, that has been with me through so much, still runs beautifully.
Today, she yet again carries a dog. I like to think that makes her smile.
So, happy birthday to my car and thank you for carrying me through the bad times and staying through the good.
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I wish I could devise a formula that would tell you when you are ready to date again:
(Length of marriage)(# of months since the end of the marriage*) + (# of crying sessions)(# of explicatives used to describe the ex)
(# of therapy** hours)
If this number >1, keep working on yourself; you are not yet ready to date
If this number >1, join Match.com asap
*This can be the date of separation, divorce, or when the spouse using the formula realized the marriage was over
** Therapy is defined loosely here. It can be traditional therapy as well as meditation, journaling, exercise, etc. Anything that is used to help the mind move forward from the trauma is therapeutic.
Unfortunately, no such formula exists. The “right” time to date is different for every person and every situation. What seems too soon to some, is on time for another. You are ready when you feel you are ready, not when X months have passed or Y tears shed. Try to listen to yourself without passing judgement. I knew I was ready to date when all of a sudden, I began to notice there were men around me at the gym. Men! I had turned a blind eye to all but my husband for 16 years, and now I was suddenly aware of the other gender. I felt like a 14 year old at the mall, amazed at all the possibilities. Luckily, before I threw myself into the mix with wild abandon, I took some time to reflect. I knew that I was ready in some ways to begin dating, but I had to look further to see if I was truly prepared.
Please, take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I am by no means an expert on dating. I met my husband when I was 16, so I did not partake in much dating beyond him prior to that. After the end of my marriage, I actively (very actively! For a three month period, dubbed Match Madness, I averaged 8 dates a week.) dated for about 8 months before I met the man I have been in a relationship with for the last two years. Even though my experience is limited, I went into my post-marriage dating very consciously, which led to some lessons to share.
Initially, I believed the conventional wisdom that you need to be fully healed in order to date. Uhmm…how many adults walking around today are fully healed? Have no relationship wounds? Yeah, that’s what I thought. If I had continued to believe that advice, I would still be waiting for my first date. Here’s what I realized is important:
1) You have to want to be healed.
2) You have to be actively moving forward on your healing process.
3) You need to be able to accept responsibility for your actions and your happiness.
4) You should be at a point where the good (or even okay) days outweigh the bad.
Once you have reached that point AND you find you have the interest, it’s time to tiptoe (or leap if that’s your style!) your way (back) into the dating world.
In future posts, I will address how to get back into dating again, tips for the recently divorced on a date, my dating ten commandments, and how to avoid the same patterns that ruined the marriage.
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We tend to think of yoga as something to do when you need to stretch. The truth is that yoga is as much mental as physical, as much to open as to strengthen, and as much to release as it is to hold. When we have suffered the end of a relationship, we hold onto the pain in our bodies as well as our minds. These poses help to soften pain’s hold so that the healing can begin from within. If you have never tried yoga, now may be the perfect time to start as you work to mend your broken heart.
5 Yoga Poses to Help You Through a Break-Up.
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There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses. Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being. The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation. Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?
Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.
Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed. We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another. In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:
How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?
How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?
How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?
How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?
How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?
How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?
How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?
So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.
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Which state of matter best describes you?
Solids are comprised of tightly packed molecules. They are rigid, holding their own shape. The atoms that make up a solid are stuck, their movement compromised by the proximity of their neighbors. If you are a solid, you are fixed in your life. Your environment does not impact your shape, as you resist influence from your surroundings. If too much resistance is applied, a solid crumbles and fragments, but it takes quite a bit for this to occur. Solids are consistent, yet their stalwart nature can make them vulnerable to fragmentation or erosion.
The particles that form liquids are freer to move, yet they posses cohesive properties that encourage them to remain in proximity to each other. The defining characteristic of a liquid is that it takes the shape of its container. If you are a liquid, you allow the environment to shape you, yet you maintain a a sense of self held in the solidarity of your component parts. You naturally flow, yet can move against the pull of gravity when effort is applied. You are resistant to pressure, yet accepting of influence.
Gasses are the free spirits of the chemical world; their particles enjoy total freedom at the expense of identity. The atoms and molecules in a gas will expand to fill its container as they bounce around with no thought to each other. If you are gas, you push against the constraints of your environment, constantly looking for a way out. The application of pressure simply intensifies this effect. You are free, open to anything, yet may not have a developed sense of self, as your component parts do not blend.
States of matter can be changed. Apply enough heat to a solid and it softens, liquifies. Apply too much perhaps, and you lose your substance as it evaporates. On the other hand, compress freely moving molecules hard enough, and you transition them to a liquid and eventually a solid.
In my own life, I strive to be a liquid. I want to be unified and have a definable self, yet I want to be open to influence. I desire to be able to relax and go with the flow, yet also be able to move against the current at will. The pressures I have faced have forced internal cohesion and the warmth from those around me has kept me soft and pliable. I try to monitor the dials and switches on my internal chemistry set to maintain this optimal balance despite the impact of the environment.
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My biggest stumbling block was (and at times, continues to be) anger. I could not get past the deliberate nature of what he had done. Holding me, telling me how much he loved me and would miss me while his bride’s ring sat in his car, ready to be placed on her finger within the week. The years of lies and manipulations that covered the hemorrhaging accounts. And, worst of all, he went on the attack with the divorce, blaming me for everything. How could I not be angry? Livid?
I spent much of the last two and half years wrestling with the “how.” How could he do this? How could he seek to destroy the one he claimed to love (and seemed to show love to up until the last text)? How could he kiss me, be intimate with me, knowing that he was orchestrating this symphony of destruction? Try as I might, I just couldn’t make those actions, those lies, match the man I knew.
So, I thought of him as a boy.
I thought about what would cause a child to lie. Children generally lie out of fear. They want to please, and when they now they have disappointed, they seek to hide their actions by spinning tales. Looking over the last few years of my marriage, I saw a path (relating to a failed business attempt) that could have led him down the path of telling lies to hide his shortcomings, to protect me from the truth. As with a child, if these lies are not caught, they eventually become habit.
I thought about what would cause a child to lash out against loved ones. Children often lash out when they feel trapped and threatened. When he lashed out, he had been caught. The carefully crafted facade that he wanted the world to see had been stripped away, his deceptions, his failures bared for the world to see. He saw me as threatening his core, his very self, so he lashed out in a desperate attempt to shield.
I may be wrong in these motivations. Perhaps he is simply a sociopath, immune to other’s pain. Maybe he is evil, enjoying the suffering of others. But that doesn’t fit the man I knew, and so it does not bring me peace. However, by looking at his actions as I would a child’s, I have found that I see him as scared, unsure, and lost. That helps to deflate some of the anger, releasing the pressure and allowing me to move forward.
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Anger. It is so easy to go there. To stay there.
Why did he do this to me? How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!
That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched. Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless. It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.
Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject. What can I do to make my life better? What can I do now that these things have happened. Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand. They certainly have their place, after all:) That shifts the power back to you.
Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions. Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed. Any luck? Yeah, me neither.
The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.
In future posts, I will share some of my strategies for moving beyond anger. What has helped you? Are you still angry?
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