What is a Tsunami Divorce?
A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted. A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction. The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to know communication or explanation. Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce. The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage. These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.
What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?
A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted. Others in their lives may echo this sentiment. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror. The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.
How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?
Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration. This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go. There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home. There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments. One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind. This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing. On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.
In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden. The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore. There are no painful discussions. In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though his/her voice has been stolen. There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.
What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?
1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system. Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild. Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.
You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available from Amazon.
Check out my article in The Huffington Post for more information about tsunami divorces.
And, if you have been hit by a tsunami divorce or other sudden trauma, read Surfing a Tsunami: A How-To Guide For Healing