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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

It’s Not You, It’s Them: 10 Signs You’re NOT the Reason They Cheated

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Even though our heads know we’re not the reason they cheated, sometimes our hearts can get confused.

We wonder why we weren’t enough for them. We hear their words blaming us for making them vulnerable to an affair. And we even face accusations from others, accusing us of doing (or not doing) something that caused them to stray.

Yet no matter what you did or didn’t do, no matter the issues in the relationship, you are NOT the reason they cheated.

Here are 10 signs that it’s not you, it’s them –

 

1 – They Have Had Multiple Affairs

When a person has multiple affairs, they are often searching for something outside of themselves to fill something missing inside of themselves. Because this is a fruitless hunt, they keep looking for the “right” person to make them feel whole and alive. In this case, you can’t be enough for them because nobody is enough for them.

 

2 – They Cheated in Other Relationships

Since you were variable that changed and yet the outcome remained the same, it’s very clear that you were not the cause of the affair. Apparently cheating is their default setting no matter who they promised fidelity to.

 

3 – They Did Not Disclose Any Unhappiness in the Relationship Until They Were Caught

“I haven’t been happy for a long time” is a common phrase uttered by those caught in an affair. There’s often an undercurrent of, “You should have known,” as though you should have been a mind reader. If they were unhappy with some facet of the relationship, it’s THEIR responsibility to bring it up BEFORE they make any decisions to act on their unhappiness. As a side note, often they weren’t unhappy; it’s just another excuse they tell themselves and others in an attempt to justify their behavior.

 

4 – They Use Projection to Make Assumptions About You

Are they accusing you of the very things that they have been doing? It feels horrible – and confusing – to be on the receiving end of this, but if you cut through the gaslighting, you’ll see that they are telling you what they have been up to.

 

5 – They Blame Anyone and Everything Other Than Themselves

Maybe it was a bad childhood. Or the nagging pain of an injury. Or the jerk of a boss that has it out for them. There’s always a reason and it’s never their responsibility.

 

6 – They Have a Pattern of Leaving Jobs or Friendships On Bad Terms

Do they tend to blow things up before they exit or simply walk away without a word? Those that cheat often lack the courage to have difficult conversations in a mature and healthy way.

 

7 – They Criticize Qualities in You That the Affair Partner Shares

They claim that they are not happy with you, yet they select an affair partner that mirrors you in some key ways. Either they are delusional, or those qualities they criticized in you are not really at fault here.

 

8 – They Have Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Those that cheat on their partners often exhibit unhealthy coping mechanisms in other areas of their lives. Instead of dealing with a situation head-on, they generally lean towards escapism – using substances, video games, or other people in an attempt to self-regulate.

 

9 – They Are Prone to Falling For “Quick Fixes”

Instead of digging in and having the discipline to see something through, they look for the easy road. They not only jump from one money-making scheme or weight-loss program to another, but also leap from one bed to another.

 

10 – They Have a Drive to Be Admired

They want to be liked because they do not like themselves. They thrive on that early relationship energy where they are more fantasy than reality and the affair partner is blinded by both limerence and bullshit.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “It’s Not You, It’s Them: 10 Signs You’re NOT the Reason They Cheated

  1. Thank you for this. My marriage ended due to infidelity and my partner was very manipulative. He met every one of these criteria. I think it was easier thinking it may be me than accepting the person I loved and trusted wasn’t who I thought they were.

  2. Its been 3 long years of recovery from a failed marriage due to infidelity. I remember going through your videos and lessons. And the words and thoughts you give to us all is always so dynamic. As I read these items they bring immediate release of my self-imprisoning thoughts that always looked me into thinking it was all me. Today you have released my soul and opened my mind to continue my recovery (as I call it) in the most positive and motivating way.
    Thank you so much for this breath of life…:-)

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