My ex-husband certainly wasted no time. He didn’t even bother filing for divorce before he married his second (I’m assuming here; there could have been others) wife.
Among all of the myriad thoughts that crashed around my mind in the aftermath of the discovery, one kept popping back up to the surface,
“How could he move on so quickly?”
I just couldn’t understand how he could go from sixteen years with the same person to seemingly head-over-heels within weeks of meeting this new woman. Here he was celebrating his newfound love while I was still struggling to sleep through the night.
Of course, it was apples to oranges trying to equate my mental state at the time with his. For so many reasons, we were at different places when it came to our readiness for moving on.
The following are some of the reasons that your ex may have moved on (or appeared to move on) soon after your breakup:
They have pre-grieved the breakup.
In some situations, one person has known (or at least suspected) that the relationship is over long before it is pronounced terminal. In these cases, the one with the prior knowledge often begins grieving the end of the relationship months or even years before it is truly over. They may begin to withdraw, they might start to expand their social circle and hobbies to fill anticipated gaps and they have time to process the loss. They will be ready to move on before you are because they have been attending to the breakup for a longer period of time.
They want you to think they’ve moved on.
Sometimes moving on is an illusion, a play put on social media or spread through mutual acquaintances in an attempt to make you jealous or regretful. The urge is understandable, although childlike. It can be driven by a, “I’ll show them that I am desirable” attitude. Others try to appear moved on soon after the end of the relationship because they don’t want to be seen as “weak” by appearing affected by the breakup. These people are motivated by a need to be seen as strong.
They are afraid of being alone.
Some people hop from relationship to relationship like life is a rocky river crossing. They cannot stomach the thought of being alone and so they waste no time in lining up the next partner as soon as a relationship implodes. This is less “moving on” and more “grasping on;” they’ll hold onto anyone like a life raft. Learn more about the underlying issues that lead to a fear of being alone.
They are able to compartmentalize your relationship and the new one.
For many us, we cannot enter into a new relationship before we have fully dissected and processed the previous one. Others are able to keep those two processes more separate. It may be that your ex seems to be moving quickly because they are doing the often- invisible internal work concurrent with reentry to the dating scene.
They are using dating as a distraction.
Let’s face it, divorce sucks. And while you’re going through it, you’d rather think about anything else. For some, this distraction comes in the form of dating. Although this can look like they’re moved on, they’re are really using others as a bandaid to temporarily stop the pain. Early dating can also be motivated by the blow to confidence that often accompanies divorce; it’s good to feel wanted.
They started seeing this person before your relationship ended.
If your ex seems to have moved on quickly, it may be that they were having an affair during your relationship and now that your partnership has ended, the love interest is brought to the surface. Of course, this revelation brings with it it’s own set of problems. Betrayal is a uniquely piercing pain with long-ranging repercussions.
They met somebody who is a good fit for them at this point in their lives.
And here’s the hard one – maybe they have met somebody that is a good match for them. I know that can be difficult to stomach when you still might be wishing/hoping/believing that you’re that person. It’s important here to remember that not being the right person for them does not mean that you’re a bad person and it certainly does not mean that you’re not the right person for someone else. It simply means that your ex found a better match for them and now you have an opportunity to look for somebody better for you.
In my ex’s case, he knew that the end was approaching and so had time to process the divorce long before it happened. He was having affairs and so his other wife was lined up and ready to go. And, from what I learned, she was a good fit for him at the time – trusting, nomadic and in possession of a decent credit score.
In time, I no longer questioned how he could move on so quickly. Instead, I got busy with moving on myself with a sense of gratitude that she helped to take him out of my life and far away.
Those or just a heartless narcissist.
I’m not sure where I picked this up, but it makes sense to a certain degree — most men are not going to move on until they have either found a replacement or have a replacement in mind. A marriage counselor looked at me and told me something similar, although it was a bit mean to say to me. He said that ALL men only want a divorce because they are having an affair or are anticipating an affair.
There are several items in your list that I can relate to. It’s been less than a year for me and I started dating right away, but am glad that I did not just jump in to a full commitment right after divorce. I am still learning about myself, as well as learning what I need in a relationship at this point in my life. I’m trying to be careful, trying to limit the potential mistakes.
Yikes. I’m not sure about ALL men, but I’ve read many studies that discuss how men are more likely to jump into another’s arms right away. I suspect some of that is because of how society frowns upon vulnerable men seeking support from counselors or same-gender friends.
It sounds like you’re doing things right:)