Guest Post: A Letter to Myself
Dear Adriana 2017 by Adriana Verdad
A letter to myself in 2017, when I was in the beginning, and the thick of the terror, harassment, and extreme emotional abuse. At that time, I was living on Mountain Dew and cigarettes. I didn’t sleep, or eat. I had lost 20 pounds in two weeks, and I felt physically terrible, emotionally drained, tired all the time, and my heart raced constantly. I was in terrible shape in every sense of the word. Looking back on my facebook memories has reminded me of this time, and how different this summer is, in every way. I wish I could go back and tell myself things, to help ease my pain. Here is what I would say to her.
Dear Adriana two years ago,
You’re tired, I know. You’re not sleeping, or eating, and you’re not well, but I want to tell you that you will be okay. I promise. I know.
First of all, don’t let him get to you. He can’t take your kids away, and there’s going to be no trial like he threatened constantly. There won’t. The divorce will be difficult, and long, but it will be mostly you emailing with you lawyer, and calls with her. He will still harass you, repeatedly, and often, but it will get better than it is now. He will move out, not soon enough, but when he does, life will get so much better. It will just continue to get better, after the divorce is final, and after he remarries, it will only continue to improve each step along the way. Trust me.
You’re taking all the right steps, dear. You are. You’re working hard, and finding new jobs. You are making more money, and setting some aside. Keep doing that love, you’ve got this. Trust me. Two years from now, you’ll be on the eve of starting a great job, making good money, and your life will be totally different, and better. Stay the course when it comes to hustling sister. You are one badass, and you will hit bumps, but keep going. You’re going to find your way out.
Breathe. Often, and a lot. Breathe. Deeply.
That guy you’re talking to right now, stop. He’s a narc too. Stay away from him. No, he’s not going to rescue you. No one is coming to rescue you. Spoiler alert- you are going to rescue yourself. You are going to fight, and come out of this so much stronger. Much, much stronger than what you can even imagine. You are going to get to where your X’s texts make you laugh, or don’t even phase you. You are going to lose a couple jobs. You are going to find that your home, was always where you were, but you needed to find yourself to come back home.
You are going to cry sometimes. You are going to have days where you leave the bed for the couch. You are going to be lonely. You are going to get hurt. Again, and again. You are going to be okay. You are going to discover just how strong you really are.
I know you feel so alone right now. You’ve lost your marriage, your family, your friends. I know that you don’t even realize the power of the woman inside you, but she is there, my love. She has been pushed down long enough, and while it won’t happen overnight, you are going to uncover a better person than you thought you were. You’ll be far from perfect. You’ll still talk too much, and about yourself a lot, but the difference is, you’ll be more selfish. In a good way. You’ll still be generous to others, don’t get me wrong, but you will make sure that you are good. When you are not good, you will take time to rest. You will take care of yourself. You will do that which you’ve never done before. You are going to realize you’re a better mother, and person, when you heal what it ailing you.
You will be financially stable, to a point. But you will eventually get to where you’re able to set money aside. Did you hear that? On your own! On less! You’re going to rock at the other side of your life.
You’re going to be single for awhile though. And you’ll be okay with it. You’re going to fall in love, once, maybe for the first time, and it’s going to hurt like hell, but stay true to yourself, and always love yourself more than you love anyone aside from your kids.
All those things he says. They’re not true. I know you know some of them aren’t, but he’s hurtful, and a monster. Breathe. You are going to get further away from him.
When he gets remarried, right after the divorce, remember that that’s more people to love your kids, and that’s never a bad thing. Love her. Forgive her. It seems like she took a lot from you, but she hasn’t earned anything but a false life that you used to have. She didn’t help destroy anything, because there was nothing to destroy. Hard facts.
Don’t go back to the first guy you’re going to date. After he dumps you the first time, move on. Seriously. Just don’t look back, he’s not worth your time. In fact, most of them aren’t. Nay, none of them are, so don’t kill yourself trying to make it work. Trying to make anything work, You’re better than that.
That brings me back to the one who will steal your heart, and bewitch you body and soul. I know you’re hopeful that it will happen someday, but I can’t tell you how that one will end. I know you feel seeing him is better for your soul, than not having him in your life at all, but only time will tell if that’s the case. I know that right now, my soul needs to see him, but I don’t know that will always be the case.
Don’t pay for dating sites.
You’re going to spend your money wisely, mostly. You’re going to get your bills paid for the first time in your life. You’re going to set aside money to take your kids to see the ocean, and do a little light travelling. You’re going to do awesome! Keep your head up. I know right now you have nothing, but that will change. And you will face big bumps, but you will make it out of this. Trust me.
Don’t sleep with the Sheriff’s Deputy. Don’t. Just don’t.
Do sleep with the cop.
Have great sex. Have no strings attached sex. Enjoy yourself. Explore. Seriously. Let loose, but always be safe.
Complain less. Share less of the bad stuff. Share the good stuff. Smile. A lot. All the time. Well, most of the time. You don’t want to look like the village idiot.
It’s okay if you’re not perfect. It’s really okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be sad. And hurt.
Smoke fewer cigarettes.
Don’t chase anyone. You deserve better than that. If you find you are the only one chasing, try to let go. It won’t always be easy, but try your best. You deserve someone who will chase you.
Most of all. You’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the right thing for your kids, and for yourself. Don’t doubt that. Trust me when I say that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you all you are going to accomplish and do over these next couple years. You are going to learn to work on mowers, and cars, and do things that you wouldn’t have dreamed you were capable of doing.
You are going to be fine. No, you are going to be great in the end. You are going to overcome every obstacle he, and life, will throw in your path.
Keep your head up, and if you’re going through something difficult right now, stay your course. Know your worth. You are going to come out on the other side of whatever is testing you right now, stronger, better, and happier, if you keep your head up. I hope you’ll share these words with anyone who needs to hear them right now.
About Adriana Verdad:
I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.
Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!