It’s been a rough week.
I keep telling myself that things will settle down.
Yet those things never seem to get the message.
I’m usually the strong one. But right now, I’m feeling pretty weak. And all pretense of strong disappeared Friday night. Earlier that day, we had a lockdown drill at school. Our school doesn’t believe in doing the hyper-realistic drills that bring in fake shooters and try to replicate the chaos of the real situation.
But that doesn’t mean that drills are easy. Far from it. Usually, I’m able to build some distance between the discussions I have to have with the students and my own emotional reactions to the reality we live in. I guess my current state of overwhelm meant that those walls were pretty flimsy.
Because later that night, at home with my husband, I suddenly broken down when the show we were watching had a scene with excessive gunfire. Normally, fictional violence doesn’t phase me. But I guess I’m not normal right now, because I ended up crying and shaking under the covers.
As is often the case with emotional eruptions, it was about much more than just the one thing that eventually triggered it. My husband and I spent Friday night talking through some options. And I’ve spent some time this weekend researching possibilities, communicating my needs and finding some hard numbers.
I still don’t have an answer to my current overwhelm, but I feel so much better now that I have data and an outline of options. I no longer feel as trapped and just having some possible plans explored gives me some breathing room.
It can be scary sometimes to face the hard facts. But there is freedom in information. Just knowing that you have options makes the current one feel less like a trap and more like a choice.