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The 9 Eye-Opening Realizations That Helped Me Recover From an Unwanted Divorce

14 Responses

  1. Thank you, I have been having a hard time these past few days. Just thank you for this post.

  2. Heather says:

    Hi! It’s been three weeks since my husband dropped the bomb that he wanted a divorce. We were married 15 years. I’ve been reading your posts since day two and they have been helpful. I read this post yesterday and it helped, but when I read it a second time, it helped more. Yesterday was a hard day of packing up his things and finding pictures and cards that said things like, “you are the best thing that ever happened to me.” My husband didn’t completely ghost me, but he doesn’t want to talk. Last night, in a weak moment, I asked him to call me and he did.(I have no more family, they have all died, so I felt like I had no one to talk to but him.) It was bad, but sort of helpful. Your words that I was collateral damage rather than the intended target are really helping me. I knew my husband was hurting too, but after talking to him, I found out so much more. He doesn’t even know me or see ME anymore. He said so many things about me that just aren’t true. Every memory he has is distorted, with me being the bad guy. I know he has been depressed for a while, but I had no idea it was so bad. He is in the military and he won’t seek help because he’s afraid it will end his career. Even after talking to him for several minutes, trying to convince him that I was not who he said I am, he said he was afraid to talk anymore because he was afraid I was recording the conversation so I could blame him for everything and take everything from him. He started to cry, saying I would take half his retirement and mess him up even more. So anyway, needless to say, all of this hurts like hell, because it really is out of nowhere. Even he admits that he snapped for some reason. I’m 48 and not very optimistic about my future, but, we’ll see what happens.This whole thing completely sucks and I’m an absolute mess, but I’m hoping if I can just keep focusing on the bit that it’s not me, and I’m just collateral damage, I’ll make it through.

    • nsymns says:

      Heather, wow do I feel and know that pain. So very many things you’ve said are so similar to my own story. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.There is no one word that covers so much. I’m 58 as of last month, divorced over 5 years ago, 18 year marriage, with no closure when he left, or anytime after. I know I’ll never get that, he’s not capable of it, but I understand why, and have accepted it. I’ve also been totally no contact as my ex was a fabulous manipulator. I had no choice, and honestly, I don’t ever want to speak or see him anywhere ever again.
      IT DOES GET BETTER! I never thought I’d be saying that, but in time, (in your own time), you’ll feel that too. I’m so glad you found Lisa as soon as you did. She’s truly been an inspiration to me, and countless others. Your strengths will get you through. Much love and hugs to you 💕

    • stilllearning2b says:

      Oh, my heart hurts for both of you. It sounds like he’s really struggling and not able to handle it well, thus taking you down as well. How painful and frustrating and confusing that must be for you. One of the hardest truths we have to face in life is that we can’t “fix” others and that sometimes love is not enough. You’re doing the right thing by reminding yourself that this is not about you. Focus on your healing; that’s what you can control.

      Sending you hope and hugs❤️

  3. nsymns says:

    I’ve read so many of your blog posts (over and over), these last few years that I feel like I know you personally. Your ability to write with such meaning and raw truths, have helped me many times, and if I haven’t said it before, I’m so grateful for finding you, Lisa, when I did. I find new meaning each time I re-read your posts, when something has changed or I’ve had more “aha” moments.

    Thank you, Lisa 😊

  4. Each time I read what you post I am just amazed at your ability to get to the heart of a matter. Not just gloss it over, but really analyze it. I am so very thankful for your gift and your desire to share it.

  5. Karen Katz says:

    I have been divorced for 4 years now and single for 5. I started reading your posts from the first month after I was informed by the mistress that my husband was having an affair with her for the past 2 years already. We were married for 13 years at that point. She is a co-worker and 15 years younger that me and they “reached goals together” as they put it to me. Needless to say I was devastated. Yes, I was one of those woman that thought my marriage was perfect. But, as one of your posts point out – I was happy because he made sure I was happy, in order not to become suspicious.
    These last 5 years has been hell. Not only that I also lost my house, also have been stunned by how his personality change over night and having to share my kids with the mistress,…its the small things …. going to bed at night alone!! Waking up alone… just going to buy bread alone is debilitating. The fact that nobody has my back!! Nobody that loves me like he did, that would kill a bear for me….nobody truly loves me anymore.
    Life sucks…even after all these years I am still not over him. Not that he want me back in any way, he has moved on, he married her and they have a baby now!!
    Life sucks in a cruel way. The whole day I deflect my thoughts away from them. Trying to be happy. Making new friends. Doing new things. I am really trying BUT then you go to bed and you dream of him!!! And you can not control your dreams! Sometimes awful dream, replaying the day I found out, sometimes he comes back to me only to leave me again, sometimes we are intimate ect And the next day is hell all over again. My mood changes, I feel depressed for days on end. And this is why it is not fair!
    I feel that he is happily moving on with life while I am stuck with thoughts and dreams of a happier life. I am still in love with him, not today’s him, but my him. I am petrified that I will not be able to love someone as much as I loved him.
    He actually brought out the best in me.
    How do I stop romanticizing him, how do I start hating him, how do I get over him.

    I often wonder if you got over your ex because you met and fall in love with your now husband. I can honestly say that I have not met anyone in the last 5 years that is even marriage material. I try, not to compare them with him. I am trying to be open minded. But at 47 I really think the good men out there are taken.
    I just wish that I can meet someone that I can fall in love with and move on too!

    • stilllearning2b says:

      I can hear the pain and frustration in your words. And they are both SO understandable.

      You ask a good question. I’ve thought about it throughout the day. It wasn’t meeting my now-husband that helped me move on. I really think that I had an easier time than most is the initial “falling out of love” part because the end was so sudden and so complete. It’s a lot easier to move on when there is nothing and nobody left to see. Whereas as it sounds like you have it in your face. I wonder if there is anything you can do to create some extra distance?

      I also hear your fear. I felt the same, even after I started dating my now-husband. Partly because it was hard to do real instead of playing make-believe. I just constantly reminded myself in the begin that things only seemed good with my ex because he only showed me what I wanted to see.

      I also have faith that there are good men out there at any age. My husband was not marriage material until later in life and I have multiple friends who met their partners in their 50s, 60s and even 70s. Some men take time to become good men and others have been good men but with the wrong woman.

      You deserve love. REAL love with somebody who sees you and values you.

  6. Karen Katz says:

    Also wanted to mention that I love your posts. I like your honesty. I feel like I relate to your posts. I use your advise and I love your pod casts.
    Thanks Karen

    • stilllearning2b says:

      Thank you:)

    • Karen Katz says:

      Thank you for your reply. Your posts are so refreshing and helpful. I have read and listened to so many advise columns. The “No-Contact-Rule”, ” how to win your husband back ” ect. and it all just leads to false hope. Whereas you talk about the actual pain, and the understanding of time to heal takes a long time. The truths about unwanted divorces. I have listed to your Pod Cast on “Message for those in pain” many, many times. On days that I feel especially lovely, I listen to it while I work.
      Please do more Pod Casts .
      Thank you
      Karen

      • stilllearning2b says:

        I despise all those “quick fixes” promotions for anything. As I tell my students, anything worthwhile takes effort. And often WAY more work/time than we anticipate.

        And I’ll keep making videos. I’m glad that one has brought you some comfort 😊

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