Going “No Contact” – Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

You’ve been trying to go no contact but you keep going back. Here are some of the reasons you may be struggling to stay away –

You Wish You Could Be Friends

I get it. I still feel a little twinge of envy when I hear about people that are friends with an ex. But for some of us, that simply is not a possibility. It’s not easy to transition from a romantic partnership to friendship and it takes the full cooperation of both parties to make it happen. Simply maintaining contact will not force this outcome.

Also, be open to the possibility that no contact now may be what’s needed for a friendship to develop in the future. While you’re apart, you each have the ability to grow and evolve independently. And maybe that growth needs to occur before there is a possibility of friendship.


You’re Looking For Closure

Maybe there’s that one last conversation that you never got have. Or, perhaps you’re wanting to hear an explanation for their decisions that hurt you. Regardless, it feels unfinished. Like a door not fully sealed against the cold.

Here’s the brutal truth that I finally realized – closure can never come from another person. No matter how honest and vulnerable they’re willing to be (and that’s generally not likely), you are never going to hear the words that will take your pain away. Closure doesn’t come from an outside source; it comes from within you.


You Are Focusing Only on the Good

You loved them. Obviously, you saw some good qualities there.

You stayed with them. I have to assume that there were some good times.

When we enter into a relationship, we tend to only see the good in our partner. In order to leave, sometimes it helps to also see the bad. 

After all, they are an ex for a reason. Remember that.


You’re Making Excuses

Do you find that you say any of the following? – “I just had to send them one more message.” “I needed to look at their Instagram to make sure they were okay after the storm.” “I didn’t initiate the text; I was only responding to their message. After all, it’s rude not to respond.”

We’re good at coming up with reasons to justify what we want to do. As long as you’re making excuses, you’ll keep struggling.


You’re Experiencing Loneliness

The loneliness after divorce or a breakup can be crippling. And it is so tempting to go right back that person that is known, that is comfortable. But loneliness is no reason to maintain a relationship. You want to be with somebody that you want to be with. Not just because you don’t want to be alone.

It can be scary to embrace being alone. There are no distractions. You’re forced to face your own fears. Your own stories. It’s not easy work, but it’s probably the most important work you’ll ever do.


You Are Wanting Things to Be Different

I wish it could be different too. It would be amazing if we all could find ourselves, find love and live happily ever after. But that’s not reality.

You reach out with the hope that maybe they have changed. Maybe you even believe words spoken to this effect. You get your hopes up.

Only to have them shattered again.

Sometimes, relationships go through a rough patch and can be saved through mutual effort and determination.

And sometimes, hoping for things to improve is simply wishful thinking.

It’s important to recognize the difference. If things aren’t changing, don’t expect them to change. After all, we all know the saying about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.



Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Understanding No Contact

Thank you for sharing!

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