8 Things That Cannot Wait Until Tomorrow

4 Responses

  1. steven says:

    Great blog thank you. I read somewhere that a breakup- especially an unwanted one after 25 years of your life with someone (we were 24 when we started dating and 49 when the marriage ended, that it is like heroin addiction. Your brain chemistry is similar to an addict going through withdrawal. Now stay with me here. The methodone we give ourselves maybe unconsciously is allowing our minds to remember the wonderful person our spouse was and how wonderful we were with them. This is what is causing my suffering. It has been1.5 years and I cant stop thinking about her. I go back in time and compare my past — family , kids, outings, vacations, backyard gatherings, our pool, our love, holidays and and and….with what i have now. LIving alone, seeing my kids once in awhile, missing her while she is with my former good freind. They holiday together and I have no money to take my children when i have them, anywhere.

    How do you stop looking back and missing what you had and appreciate this new life that terrifies me.?

    • stilllearning2b says:

      It is definitely true that our bodies respond to the withdrawal of love in a similar way to withdrawal from substances. This is especially true in the beginning.

      It sounds like you’re comparing two very different things – the beginning of this life to the one that was fully developed. Here’s how I chose to view mine to help with the comparisons – I had a fully built built life, like a home perched on a plot of land. It was lived in and comfortable. Little did I know, there were fatal flaws in the foundation. It had to be demolished. My new life started on that vacant plot of land. Sure, it had no shelter. But it had a ton of potential. I took my time surveying the land and considering my needs before I carefully started to build again. This time, paying special attention to the foundation. Only once that new home was completed (years later), could I reasonably compare it to the old. And my life is better now. Different, but better. Even so, there are things I miss. And that’s okay. Missing things is a sign that you lived well. Now, it’s time to create new memories thaw ill be missed some day in the future.

      And a little more concrete – Stop focusing on what you don’t have right now (time with kids, money, etc) and pay attention to what you do have. What can you do within your constraints? You might surprise yourself. I know the divorce was unwanted (trust me, I get that one), but consider the flaws in the relationship. Right now, remembering those can help you fall out of love. And finally, consider where you want to put your energy – past or future? Which one can you influence?

      • steven says:

        Thank you. I appreciate your time to respond. I know how in demand you must be.
        I believe in my core that the foundation was fixable. We had two children together who deserved both parents trying to make it work. She didn’t and I have to live with that but it haunts me. We are both good people but it takes two to make a relationship. I can’t get my head around why she felt she had to blow up the family. It was good for me but not good enough for her I guess is my only conclusion. It hurts. Now my children will never have both parents attend celebrations, holidays, etc. they will bear the impact of a broken family. I can’t understand how she can do that to them, especially when I was prepared to do anything to make things work.

        • stilllearning2b says:

          It sucks and it’s not fair. It’s so hard when one person gives up and you’re not given the opportunity to fight. What you CAN do now is be the best dang dad you can and also model resilience and grace for your kids.

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