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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

Don’t Get Married Before You Can Answer “Yes” to These Ten Questions!

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Marriage is a big step. A significant commitment. To help ensure that you’re making the right decision for you, make sure that you can answer “yes” to these ten questions before you say “yes” to marriage!

1 – Can you be alone?

If you are afraid of being alone, how do you know that you’re acting from a place of love rather than making decisions based on fear? Ideally, you’ve had some adult years on your own so that you learn what you’re capable of and you feel secure with yourself.

 

2 – Are you more in love with the person than you are with the idea of being married?

It’s easy to feel pressure to get married and to desire the sense of security and stability that often accompany marriage. As a result, sometimes you can be in love with the idea of being married more than you are in love with the person.

 

3 – Do you have your own life?

Do you have your own interests? Friends? Thoughts and opinions? A healthy marriage is own of interdependence, not dependence. Ensure that you’re positioned to maintain your independence. 

 

4 – Have you met their people?

Not only are we drawn to people that mirror our beliefs, we have a tendency to become more like those that we spend time with. Make sure that you have spent time with the people that your partner chooses to associate with.

 

5 – Have you had (and continue to have) the difficult conversations?

In order to have a thriving marriage, both you are your spouse have to be able to say things (with kindness and compassion) that you know will hurt your partner. It’s important to have these conversations before marriage to ensure that you’re on the same page and to practice speaking and hearing hard truths.

 

6 – Can you accept them even if they never change?

When you say “I do,” you’re effectively signing that you accept this person as they are. Whatever qualities and characteristics they have (even the ones that drive you crazy) are grandfathered in. It’s unfair to both of you to expect anything different.

 

7 – Do you have a growth mindset about marriage?

The marriage you have on the day you say, “I do” is not the same marriage you will have ten years down the road. You will change. Your partner will change (and not necessarily in the ways you want). A healthy marriage is one that can grow and adapt throughout the years.

 

8 – Are your expectations about marriage reasonable?

We often ask too much of marriage and can easily end up disappointed or even angry when reality fails to match our mental picture. Read over these sixteen common misconceptions about marriage and make sure that your expectations are attainable.

 

9 – Are you prepared to contribute more than 50% to the marriage?

There will be times when you are responsible for carrying most of the emotional weight in the relationship. And at times, the load will shift to your partner. Even when the contributions are relatively equal, it’s common for each person to feel as though they are providing more than their share. Make sure you’re ready for that responsibility.

 

10 – Do you see and respect your potential spouse as an individual?

Yes, this person will become your wife or husband. But before that and after that, they are still their own independent person.  They will have different views, goals and perspectives than you. It doesn’t mean that one of you is right and the other wrong, it simply indicates that you are two autonomous beings that are choosing to spend your lives together.

 

 

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