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Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

3 Responses

  1. danadane11 says:

    This is so good. I jumped to the 12 questions to ask yourself. This was something my ex needed to read. I think he put way more energy into his escape than protecting and nurturing our marriage. I love your thoughts, the way you write, and how you think. I have been sending your blog to married friends, engaged friends, everyone. If only I read this before I got married!

  2. Cookie Monster says:

    Excellent questions. My wife eventually left me (with 3 hours notice – our kids found out from their aunt that their mother was leaving them and me and moving 4 hours away), but only after she had refused my repeated requests to go to marriage counseling, and I had ultimately disconnected.

    We lost a 13-year-old. My ex-wife claimed it was murder, despite no indication of murder at all. She also took it out on me, doing what she could to prove how terrible a father I had been to my deceased daughter.

    The questions that most resonate with me:

    – My partner has changed. They are no longer the person I married.

    – I’m hoping it will improve. I really wanted my old wife back, but I was left with an emotional stone, who looking back I realize was severely depressed and blaming herself for her daughter’s death, while at the same time using me as a target to defray her self-blame. Having seen her cut off our surviving kids since she left, I realize that there was no way she was going to change. However, I wouldn’t have predicted that she would do that even after she left – that was completely out of character for her, even after our daughter’s death.

    – Are you afraid of being alone? (Yes, this was a major reason that I hung in there).

    For me, it has only become more difficult, trying to manage things as a single parent, especially with two kids who have undergone multiple traumas (their sister’s death, a flood a month later – yes, that really happened, like we were living the Book of Job – and their mother abandoning them). My life has become unbelievably complicated, and I feel very alone trying to raise the kids completely on my own.

    ***

    Divorce will be hard and complicated, especially if you have kids. It certainly may not be better, so do it only for a serious reason, rather than boredom or a crush on someone else.

    By the way, sometimes mental illness (a factor in a high percentage of divorces – one person who gives divorce recovery classes said that it is present in 80% of the divorces he gets involved in), can sometimes be treated, cured or made tolerable. But having dealt with my ex-wife, a psychotic sister who I had to get into a lockdown psych unit and taking care of a neighbor’s child while she (the child’s mother) was in a lockdown psych unit (all of whom are divorced and blaming their ex-husbands for their problems), it is difficult for
    a marriage to navigate serious mental illness; it requires a lot of patience on the well spouse’s end. I do know a couple, now 80, whose husband has had bipolar disorder to the tune of spending 6 months in a treatment facility early in his life and several months in another one several years ago. His wife is a social worker and is used to dealing with mental illness and his illness. It is very difficult when the other spouse has also been clobbered as was I when our daughter died (and no one ever gets over the death of a child).

  1. February 5, 2019

    […] I’ve written before about what to do when you’re in the midst of a marital crisis. […]

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