Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

3 Responses

  1. danadane11 says:

    This is so good. I jumped to the 12 questions to ask yourself. This was something my ex needed to read. I think he put way more energy into his escape than protecting and nurturing our marriage. I love your thoughts, the way you write, and how you think. I have been sending your blog to married friends, engaged friends, everyone. If only I read this before I got married!

  2. Cookie Monster says:

    Excellent questions. My wife eventually left me (with 3 hours notice – our kids found out from their aunt that their mother was leaving them and me and moving 4 hours away), but only after she had refused my repeated requests to go to marriage counseling, and I had ultimately disconnected.

    We lost a 13-year-old. My ex-wife claimed it was murder, despite no indication of murder at all. She also took it out on me, doing what she could to prove how terrible a father I had been to my deceased daughter.

    The questions that most resonate with me:

    – My partner has changed. They are no longer the person I married.

    – I’m hoping it will improve. I really wanted my old wife back, but I was left with an emotional stone, who looking back I realize was severely depressed and blaming herself for her daughter’s death, while at the same time using me as a target to defray her self-blame. Having seen her cut off our surviving kids since she left, I realize that there was no way she was going to change. However, I wouldn’t have predicted that she would do that even after she left – that was completely out of character for her, even after our daughter’s death.

    – Are you afraid of being alone? (Yes, this was a major reason that I hung in there).

    For me, it has only become more difficult, trying to manage things as a single parent, especially with two kids who have undergone multiple traumas (their sister’s death, a flood a month later – yes, that really happened, like we were living the Book of Job – and their mother abandoning them). My life has become unbelievably complicated, and I feel very alone trying to raise the kids completely on my own.


    Divorce will be hard and complicated, especially if you have kids. It certainly may not be better, so do it only for a serious reason, rather than boredom or a crush on someone else.

    By the way, sometimes mental illness (a factor in a high percentage of divorces – one person who gives divorce recovery classes said that it is present in 80% of the divorces he gets involved in), can sometimes be treated, cured or made tolerable. But having dealt with my ex-wife, a psychotic sister who I had to get into a lockdown psych unit and taking care of a neighbor’s child while she (the child’s mother) was in a lockdown psych unit (all of whom are divorced and blaming their ex-husbands for their problems), it is difficult for
    a marriage to navigate serious mental illness; it requires a lot of patience on the well spouse’s end. I do know a couple, now 80, whose husband has had bipolar disorder to the tune of spending 6 months in a treatment facility early in his life and several months in another one several years ago. His wife is a social worker and is used to dealing with mental illness and his illness. It is very difficult when the other spouse has also been clobbered as was I when our daughter died (and no one ever gets over the death of a child).

  1. February 5, 2019

    […] I’ve written before about what to do when you’re in the midst of a marital crisis. […]

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