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The Biggest Mistake I Made in My First Marriage: The Argument For Arguing

4 Responses

  1. During my marriage we had arguments, sometimes very loud and hurtful arguments, that eventually would diffuse over time – short or long. They usually didn’t end with apologies, or the typical makeup sex that I have read about for years and have yet to experience. If there was an apology it always came from me. Forever the fixer, the giver.

    One thing that I knew/felt during our marriage was that some things were not to be argued about or talked about. I felt that there were “off limits” subjects, anything that showed my dissatisfaction with our relationship, or concern/curiosity about our finances, and was usually met with a less than supportive or caring response. I had tried this a number of times early on but came to the conclusion eventually that it was not a safe bet for our marriage. And it scared me. Scared me to think that it could all be taken away from me if I pushed too hard. Scared that it would blow up. Too scared to put it into words out loud during the last few years, but knowing that something was off.

    Looking back, I wish that I had had those hard conversations regardless of the possibly negative outcome and really paid attention to how they got resolved – or if they ever did. The lessons were there, I just couldn’t bring myself to face them and admit that maybe this wasn’t the right person for me for a lifetime. The lesson has been learned now, at least I hope so, and I have no intention of running away from the tough conversations or glossing over the ugly spots in any future relationship. If you can’t trust that they will weather the storms with you, you shouldn’t be in the same boat together.

  2. Hazel Pino says:

    During my marriage we ALWAYS argued. He was so arrogant and closed minded. He was always acting like he was always right without hearing anyone else out. If you disagreed he’d spite you. It was insane.

    My relationship now we don’t argue exactly. We disagree, we voice these but we don’t fight. He doesn’t allow it to get that far. Granted it’s hard to DISCUSS things without feeling like someone is attacking you since that’s what I’m use to — and sometimes I’ll say some stupid shit but he tries to understand my feelings or why I said what I said.

    I think this is one of the times were communication is definitely important. I am however glad I can’t relate to my friends when they straight up COMPLAIN about their husbands!

  3. We had a ‘great’ marriage for 23 years. I didn’t know it but she left at the 22 year mark. (No argument).

    We rarely had arguments. We did have a few impasses over the years. I was given a few ultimatums, typically about picking up and moving to a new part of the country ‘where things would be better’ for XYZ reasons.

    I had come from a family that was comfortable having arguments. My ex was not. I witnessed how her family seemed to ‘get along’. I thought they had a better model for being. I tried to learn it and emulate it. (such a mistake on many levels)

    The dysfunctions in the no-argument family came to full light when we separated. The dirty laundry of family history spilled out of closets left and right, repainting our own relationship.

    Now, arguing is an important part of a healthy relationship.

    These two paragraphs really resonated too…

    “In other words, people show you who they really are when you’re in a heated disagreement with them.

    This is an opportunity to see how they respond when the going gets tough. Do they accept responsibility or deflect it? Do they easily admit mistakes or lob attacks in defense? Can they maintain control of themselves? Are they able to find humor amongst the tension? Do they retreat and if so, is it temporary or long-lasting? Once you’ve seen the worst, you know what you’re accepting with your vows.”

    It’s not just about whether there is argument. There’s also learning how to have effective arguments as a couple. Learning how to grow together even when a problem has no compromise (sometimes a compromise is worse than either of the other ways as it ends up twisting everyone).

    To sum up my own knew perspective,

    Lack of argument is a lack of a vital part of communication.

    Lack of effective argument is a lack of part of effective communication.

    It is possible to argue and still find the things that bring us together. After all, we were attracted to and fell in love with our partner for a lot of good reasons. They are unique and that means, different from us. There will be differences. Love the part above about appreciating their differences too!

    Thanks for this article today!

  1. April 5, 2019

    […] small. Set some easier boundaries. Practice having the difficult conversations. Build your confidence. Your words matter. Your ideas matter. YOU […]

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