Last night found me obsessively visiting online clothing retailers. I would set the appropriate filters, scan the merchandise and place several items in my virtual cart. Then, without making any moves to complete the purchase, I would do the same on another site.
By the end of the evening, I had bought nothing. Because I wasn’t really looking for clothes, I was looking for confidence.
I’m not surprised I’m feeling insecure right now. In fact, I’m pretty much sitting at the collision point that brews a perfect storm.
The new school year begins next week. Last year was an enormous undertaking as I built a new program for a new school. The work was hard, but because there were no expectations (from myself or my students/parents/administration), I had a “Well, let’s try this and see what happens” approach. And it was successful by all accounts.
So this year, I have expectations to meet (or exceed) both from within and from without. (Why oh why did I not set a low baseline last year???) And right now, after being disconnected from school for several weeks (which was the recharge I needed!), I’m feeling unsure about my ability to meet those demands.
From the other side, I have the recent release of my new book. Even though this book is like my second child in some ways, it is still scary releasing such a big part of yourself into the universe (and onto the internet). The book has been a singular focus for the past few months and now I have released control.
And that lack of jurisdiction has made me uncertain.
My body is reacting to both the letdown of finishing the book and the ramping up for school. Sleep has been elusive and an infection is trying to find refuge deep inside my sinuses. My body reflecting my mental space.
Ugh. I hate this feeling. I’m tempted to throw myself into preparing for the school year in order to distract my brain from the reception of the book and to release some of the anxiety about the new school year.
But hiding in busyness and work is my default setting. And I’m a pro at what I call precrastination – getting it all done under pressure, but at the beginning, not the end.
And I don’t want to go there on these last few days of summer.
I know this feeling of insecurity is both fleeting and cyclical. No different than the storm clouds that darken the skies before floating away.
Today, I am going to practice finding peace in the storm, resting and trusting that all will be okay.