Whenever I work with a client who is starting to think about dating again after divorce, I advise them to first make a list of the traits/characteristics they are looking for in their next partner.
Their initial results are usually so similar it’s comical – “I want someone totally different from my ex. I want someone with integrity and who will address issues head-on.”
I often find myself nodding along since my wish-list was much the same.
It was strange dating at first. I wanted different yet I also longed for the familiar. I found myself attracted to men that were way too similar to my ex (can you say trauma reenactment?) and not always drawn to the ones that had the qualities I was looking for. It’s definitely a time when impulses may not be trustworthy and it’s worth moving slowly and with intention.
There have been times when Brock wonders if I was only attracted to him because he is the polar opposite (his words) of my ex. The reality is much more than that and not one I’m sure I can ever completely explain to him. Yes, in some ways (critical and positive ways) he is the opposite of my first husband. In other ways, he and my ex have some overlapping similarities (areas of interest and compatibility).
But I wasn’t attracted to him because he was the opposite. The divorce highlighted for me what was important in a partner. And that starts with being a good person. I was no longer the same, naive girl that pledged her life to her teenage beau and was petrified of losing him. I was stronger and, as a result, I wanted someone stronger and independent as well. And my ideas of how I wanted the rest of my life to look were changing and I wanted someone who fit my emerging vision.
Basically, once I knew better, I wanted to do better.
Here are those critical ways that my second husband is different than my first –
Passionate
As I write this, my husband is at a Ju Jitsu seminar. I grumble sometimes about his commitment to the sport, but underneath that is a pride in his efforts and achievements. He amazes me in his ability to push through pain and keep going even when the goal feels so far away. His presence on the mat inspires both respect and fear in his opponents. I love that he completely immerses himself in something that is healthy, goal-oriented, inspirational and seriously bad-a$$.
My first husband was a driven man (his self-taught expertise in modeling software was evidence of that), but he had no real passions outside video games. In retrospect, this lack of purpose, of focus, left him rudderless when life’s waters became rough.
Alpha
Brock is an Alpha. Confident. Strong unapologetic male energy. And that’s good for me in a couple ways. First, I have an intensity myself and I appreciate someone who will call me out when necessary. Someone who isn’t a blind supplicant. Also, I often feel like I’m not feminine enough and so I enjoy the contrast between our energies. As an Alpha, he is straight-talking and upfront. It’s not always decorous, but it’s always reflective of what he’s thinking.
I have nothing against non-alpha men. I have many in my life that I love and respect. What I didn’t respect in my ex was how he never challenged me and how he would quietly manipulate while pretending to be the nice guy. He was a beta who wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. That was the problem.
Helper
Some of the times I have loved Brock the most is when I have seen him come to the aide of a stranger. He is never one to turn away from someone in need, whether it be a man walking down the street with a gas can on a 100 degree day or a panicked woman pulled over after skidding on ice. Even when the situation could be risky or a scam, he jumps in, ready to assist. And when he’s done, he just turns and walks away, expecting nothing in return.
My ex also did nice things for people. He built a toy chest for a neighbor’s child. He would pick up the check. But here’s the difference (and it’s a crucial one) – Brock would make an anonymous donation whereas my ex would expect his name on a plaque.
I love how you are able to identify very specific traits in Brock that are very important to you (and how they were missing in your earlier relationship).
I could probably write something similar about my ex and my husband, but I think one thing stands out to distinguish them: my husband is on my side. He loves me, trusts me, knows I will make mistakes but that my intentions are aligned to his, and he wants me to be happy. My ex was suspicious, competitive, and concerned that concerned that I shouldn’t benefit too much unless he got his share first. Those characteristics made the divorce difficult, too. I am so grateful to have chosen differently the second time–and glad to read that you have, too.
That is a VERY important distinction! Glad you have somebody on Team You!!!
Wow I so needed to read that at the moment. Thankyou so much for taking the time to write this……….
And thank you for reading:)
i made a list a few weeks back upon the recommendation of a friend. a lot of the things on the list were traits that i learned to appreciate by being in a relationship with someone who did not have them.
i’m trying to date…ish. my biggest downfall is being flattered by a man who i am not necessarily attracted to and being attracted to him because i think he cares about me. i have to keep remembering what i want & not just take what i am given.
thanks!
Dateish. I love that! That’s pretty much what I did for a time too.
And what a great point about flattery! Such a great distinction to be aware of!
This is exactly what I needed to read right now, having just started the dating game. I will sit and write out a list of what is important to me in my next partner. I get asked by guys what my type is…my type is generally tall (I’m a sucker for a tall guys), wears glasses (sucker for specs as well!), arrogant and an alpha male. But not alpha in a good way! More like in a “you will do as a say” kind of way. I have to get myself out of that but I am can’t help but be attracted to those types. Thanks for posting! Definitely got some food for thought now.
Good luck with your list!
Great post. You’ve given some great contrasts that are clear here but often so subtle when we are in the midst of a relationship. Very helpful. Your journey is incredible and I’m so glad you’ve thrived and found a true mate. Thanks for checking out my blog.
And thanks for your support!:))
Wow. I kept copying down quotes from this post until I realized I was copying practically the entire thing…the traits of your ex are spot on to those of my husband…only I’m still married to him…trying to work on things, but I’m feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. Thanks for your writing…I now must buy the book!
Yikes! I’m sorry you recognize those traits.
Lisa, you probably hear this quite often, but I feel like I have lived (thus far) a parallel life of yours. My soon to be ex husband had many of the same qualities (right down to video games) that yours did and we also had been together for 18 years, with 12 of those being married. We met at 19 & grew up together, starting our adult lives together but fell into those same patterns that led to our downfall. Your stories and lessons give me such hope in life after divorce. Thank you ☺️
It’s still crazy and sad to me how many people relate to my experiences. I wish that my ex was one of a kind. I’m so sorry that you’ve dealt with similar and may happiness be just around the corner for you!