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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

There’s No Disappear Here (So When Will I Believe It?)

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I had another…episode…a couple weeks ago. It was another convoluted mess of abandonment fears, distrust of my perceptions and feelings of not being enough.

In other words, the usual.

Not the usual as in that I usually feel that way. But the usual in that whenever I have a rough day, that’s always what it’s distilled to at the end. And I’ve learned that these rough days don’t usually occur in isolation; there’s a smattering of them over a period of weeks or months until the particular offending mental remnant is identified and hopefully neutralized.

I always end up feeling sorry for Brock in these exchanges. He ends up having to deal with the effects of my tsunami divorce – my lack of belief in words, my distrust of the security of a “good” marriage, my continual struggles with self-doubt and my conviction to never allow myself to be in that same position again.

The morning after (no emotional hangover this time!!!) this particular exchange, I found sticky notes with various declarations of love and affection around the house.

And then I saw this one. And I felt another layer of my old wounds close.


It referenced a statement he made the previous night when I mentioned my continued difficulties with trusting my own perceptions and judgment.

There’s no disappear here.

Four words. Big meaning.

A promise to face problems rather than to run away.

A promise to refrain from stonewalling or retreating.

A promise to put effort into the relationship.

A promise to step up rather than step out.

Those words don’t expect perfection. They don’t deny that there will be challenges. They accept that we will have hard times and that we can overcome most anything if we both make the promise to show up and speak up.

And for some reason, even though Brock has expressed similar in words and actions for the duration of our relationship, this simple phrase resonated in a way that I could actually hear it.

And hopefully even start to believe it.







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21 thoughts on “There’s No Disappear Here (So When Will I Believe It?)

  1. Thank you for this. I’m not even close to another relationship yet, and the biggest reasom is that I cannot even begin tothink about how I would never ever EVER recover from another betrayal. Brock is a keepr – and he will keep your heart safe, too. xoxo

  2. And apparently I need caffeine – and my cheaters. (Which I have always called “X- Ray specs” b/c I am not a fan of the word “cheaters”, for obv. reasons . . .)

  3. I am in tears after reading this as it really struck a nerve 4 1/2 years after he left. I can’t see myself ever trusting anyone in a relationship again; I did that for 31 years and look where it got me. Brock writing you that note should mean more to you than anything else in the world. He truly gets you Lisa.

  4. It is refreshing that you — an “expert” if you will — still occasionally have the same issues we (the left or divorced) deal with so often, and you are not afraid to talk about it and share your experiences in order to help others. Thanks for that!

  5. Oh lady – thank you so much for this one. Leaving comes in so many forms – and although I was the one who physically left, the kids and I had been abandoned years before. Thought I know healing comes with time, the ‘episode’ days are SO hard. Thank you for openly sharing yours – it helps the rest of us!

  6. Thank you for sharing. I am still finding the courage and resources to leave an abusive marriage of 12 years. Tried once before but failed and became more dependent. You give hope that not only can I leave, and flourish but that one day there will be another person that will love me the way I deserve to be loved.

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