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Biting My Tongue Until It Bleeds

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

We’ve all heard that wisdom. Advice handed down by a parent or teacher, perhaps in response to unkind words we uttered or as a reminder that we don’t have to share every thought that crosses our minds.

And much of the time, that advise is indeed wise. It’s usually better to scroll past an inflammatory post on social media than to attempt to engage. There is no reason to share your annoyances about your coworker with them (as an aside, I am so happy that the singular “they” is now accepted!!!! no more him/her nonsense!!!). And even in a relationship, biting one’s tongue is a critical skill to develop.

Yet, as is so often the case in life, this advice is written in black and white, while we live in a world of gray.

Sometimes there are things that need to be said. Things that may not be nice.

Another truism guides us here –

“Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

And that’s where I often mess up.

Not by saying things.

But by holding them back. Letting them build. Until they erupt, small bits of truth simmered until burnt in emotions and assumptions.

Which isn’t fair to the person on the receiving end (unfortunately, usually Brock) and it leads to a room full of ugly emotions.

It’s an error in identifying what words are necessary. An error that leads to a muddling of truth and an unintentional dash of unkindness as the initial feelings are allowed to go to rot.

Recently, I’ve made an effort to identify the reasons why I have a tendency to bite my tongue until it bleeds:

Introversion

As an introvert, I tend to process silently (or in writing), only speaking once I’ve had time to think about something. It means I’m not prone to impulsive comments or saying something that is only half-thought out, but it does mean that I can give the impression that I’m complacent when I’m really trying to think about what to say.

Analytical Nature

I naturally tend to analyze (every)things. That combined with an independent streak means that I try to solve the puzzle of my emotions on my own. My brain naturally gathers and examines data points, only sharing the conclusions once they are reached. Unfortunately, the conclusions are often not valid.

I Want to Be Liked

I don’t want to be a bother. A nag. I want to ride the waves rather than make them. As a result, I will often swallow my distress instead of voicing it. Choosing to make myself ill in an attempt to preserve others. Yeah, there’s a little ugly martyrdom there.

Self Doubt

This is a side effect of the divorce. I struggle to differentiate between feelings that are originating from something that is bothering me in my present and those that are simply echoes from the past. And as healing becomes more complete and triggers fewer are further between, I find that I try to dismiss things too quickly. Only to have them bubble up later.

Flood-Prone

Even though my triggers are better, the fear of abandonment can still cause me to flood with emotion, shutting down all hope of rational thought for a time. And when I’m flooded, I tend to retreat. Shut down.

—–

I used to avoid expressing my feelings out of a fear of confrontation. A worry that displeasure would immediately translate to rejection.

I’ve come a long way on that fear, no longer nervous about speaking up.

And I thought that was enough. That courage to speak meant that I would speak when needed.

And I’m having to accept that there is more to it than that. And that even though I’m no longer afraid, I’m still not where I want to be.

I need to learn to get better at identifying what emotions are merely the death throws of a dying trigger (and are best ignored) and which ones are the cries of an injured heart (and need expressing).

I need to get better at not allowing my analytical brain to create spreadsheets of data without at least alerting the other that there is processing going on.

I need to get better at speaking up instead of building up.

At sharing my truth before biting my tongue for so long that we both end up bloody and raw.

I’m good with restraint.

Time to become better with release.

 

Thank you for sharing!

9 thoughts on “Biting My Tongue Until It Bleeds

  1. Mary Lou – I'm still here and loving it! Nostalgia isn't my all-time favorite past time. I like to live in the present and look forward. When you reach a certain point in life it's good to look back and review this journey with new eyes ~ in a different place in time. I've arrived at a place in my life where the experiences I've had are coming together to form a collage of beauty and strength. A time where I can put a little more time into my love for water color painting and writing. Creating this website allows me to share some of the expressions of my gratitude and amazement of where this journey has taken me. It's my hope that it will encourage others to share their own story through written word and art.
    Mary Lou says:

    Really a great post! Especially liked the ‘self-doubt’ and the link you provided. Thanks!! 🙂

  2. I can relate to most of this. Self doubt is one piece I don’t really have, as I have learned to accept and love myself as I am. Really, belief in myself is the main thing that keeps my afloat when times are tough.

    But in an attempt to “not rock the boat” or to “choose my battles” I have realized I have spent most of my life avoiding conflict. Not saying I want to embrace conflict now, but after 40+ years of avoiding it, learning when I need to speak up and what I need to say is a bit of a challenge.

    I’m trying, but it sure isn’t easy.

  3. The Woman Invisible – United States – This is my journey. I am seeking a life full of passion, honesty, adventure and happiness. I know one thing that is terribly missing in my life, and that is to truly feel valued as a woman. I am attempting to find my way, maybe not in methods you would agree with, but somehow, I want to feel like the woman I know I was meant to be. Along the way, you may realize you don't like me much, or my morals. But, then, maybe you do. I'm just here to share my journey. Come along for the ride.
    Madeline Harper says:

    Great post. I found myself thinking “that’s exactly me”. Ah. We all have so much to learn

  4. David & Laura Speer – United States – Were a Metro Detroit, Michigan, couple – second marriages for both of us – and we dream of retiring early to Travel the World. Follow us while we try and figure out to raise our kids, and save to retire. David is a Robot Programmer, Laura is a Medical Physicist. We put our kids before ourselves for years, saved and ate at home and now after years of all this sacrifice and raising our kids - we are closing in on empty nesting, and we realized we have the opportunity to retire earlier than most and follow our dreams to travel the world. How are we going to do this? Well we have a lot of ideas, but lets see how it works out. Our original retirement date was January 1, 2021. We are reviewing the option of working another 3 years but prefer to keep the 2021 date, either way we will be retired by 55 years old - still trying to figure out how, but working toward our goal everyday, while enjoying each other and our blended family. Follow us to see what happens. All images on this blog are copyright (c)
    Laura (I Can Do It) says:

    This is great, but I am very opposite of most of what you write, it does remind me of my ex, he would always pretend everything was fine, until he would explode about something I did 2yrs ago. This did help me understand much better, thank you. Also you can communicate for sure in this writing perfectly. I’m glad your getting over that, I always felt it is better to hurt me with your opinion briefly than lie for a lifetime. Fine progress.

  5. I have a quote I wrote :
    Choose discomfort over resentment.
    Not easy, but necessary. Just keep trying and doing your best. I’ve overcome many of the things you mentioned, but a thread of them still lives inside me. I need to slow down and pay attention to my feelings and like you said figure out what needs to be expressed or ignored.

  6. I so relate to everything you wrote. As I child I learned to keep my feelings stuffed down and to this day I will often freeze in a difficult situation. Like you, I like to wait until I’ve processed what happened before I respond. I’m very sensitive and often stop to think about whether a “normal” person would get upset over the same situation. “Don’t blurt out something you can’t take back” has always been my motto. However, I also tend to sacrifice myself to keep the peace. Luckily, I’m getting a little better about speaking up, thanks to encouragement from the man I’m dating.

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