Guest Post – Divorcing a Narcissist Is Tough

4 Responses

  1. I actually just read that article on Huffington myself. The truth of the matter is that its tough to get a divorce. Divorcing a narcissist is a whole different can of worms. Its not “tough” its soul crushing. There is a big difference. People who don’t understand, just look at it as another high conflict divorce. I got so tired of trying to explain to lawyers and mediators that I’m not instigating anything. I’m limiting contact as possible. Its usually at the point where they meet my ex, and get pushed around and bullied by him that they start to understand.
    That doesn’t help me in front of a judge though. The courts assume that both parties are equally responsible for the arguments, but you’re right – it only takes one person to argue.
    The article saying that the kids get used as pawns feels like an understatement. Its so much worse than that.
    There is no excuse for the courts knowing these people are out to destroy their former spouses however they can, and the courts still act like both parties are equally causing issues.
    It cost me 8000 in legal fees just to get my ex to pay me child support, and I have the kids 100% of the time. There is no need for that kind of bullshit.

  2. nms297 says:

    still paying bills off one day at a time, i was lucky. Really, really, lucky! My dad came across an attorney that he admired first hand. She gets it he told me, get her. I did, my ex and his equally narc (pro bono free friend) attorney, huffed and puffed and she called them out. On everything, and anything. To the point i mention getting my attorney involved he backs off. It took a lot of standing up and keeping my mouth shut (attorney said i do the talking that’s what you pay me for) to get to this point and i pick my battles as well, (unlike ex mine’s not free) but i have some peace. (and a lot of debt, i laugh when i see those credit fraud protection commecials, cause i don’t need it i couldn’t even get the credit for my son’s trumpet rental at school, thanks mom for helping with that) I strategize and predict and counter measure before he even thinks of attacking, i tell my current husband i must have been a war general in a previous life. He divorced a narc too, so we understand the double duty that particular situation takes both in energy and money. But it’s the knowledge and understanding for each other’s plight that helped bring us together and fall in love with each other. that along with the faces of my children i would never put a price on, cause it’s worth every penny. Happily broke is what my husband and i call it. Happily broke and narc free! maybe i can make bumper stickers?

  3. Mine For Life says:

    But what has to be reformed is the deliberately vague and lucrative laws left to the discretion of the overloaded family court judges, who do double duty in all misdemeanor type civil matters. We sit there for half a day with a docket full of all manner of proceedings, traveling appointed judges, completely unfamiliar with anything, attorneys juxtapositioning with never ending requests that aren’t complied with, and judges who eventually notice how embarrassingly old the case is!
    Judges should see themselves for the pawns they are, and require that any party that;
    comes back to court after being dismissed, has been previously sanctioned,
    and is in child support arrearages above the $5,000 federal felony level, be completely out of arrearages before they allow them to file anything concerning the devorce decree! The whole thing has become another disfunctional “government vampire”.

    So, you be the Judge….
    A true Narcissist, the “perfect person” according to anyone who would meet them (including smart Judges, until you provide hard evidence that it’s a con job).
    They never tell you any negative information of their life, and neither does anyone else who’s related. Important hidden information hits you like a stealth bomb every few months. Shell shocked, you slowly become a world class detective. You start planning your escape every six months, but what about the kids? You try to pin “jello” to the wall, but they just won’t seek professional help, and only behave “decent” when afraid they’ll come home to an empty house. Money & status symbols are more important than family, even braces for your lisping teen. In 20 years you’ve never heard “I’m sorry I said, did…”. Everything is always everyone else. They lie about everything that might make them appear to be anything less than pure perfection; why they did or didn’t, can or can’t, were let go from their job, late from the gym, busy at work, trips for work, living a double life, so on and so forth. They say “what will my (employer) think” when you tell them you are divorcing them! They lie about their income (and get caught) in mediation. They present the same lie to the Judge at the PDL hearing for temporary support, because they are delusional and pretend they believe it (there for it IS true)and get caught again! From there, their non-support of their children is the state’s fault, your lawyers fault, their lawyers fault, your fault! You’ve been divorced and haven’t lived within 500 miles of them for a decade, but they blame you for the poor relationship with their children after they stole the children’s college trust money. Because they owe massive arrearages, you’ve been defending yourself against false charges added to modifications in family court for 9 years. You have been awarded attorney fees, but have no way to collect, you are in line behind the state’s child services (a saving grace, powerful, well protected by the court, and always on the hunt). They even try to take the State’s Child Services to court (still delusional). You can’t just walk away, because if you are a “no show” then you are guilty of the false charges, by default. You bought your attorney a nice BMW, your 14 year old Toyota needs $3,000 in repairs, but that went to your attorney, too. Your ex emails that they will continue to take you to court until they take everything from you. They have plenty of money to keep you trauma-bonded, and everything is in the new “victims”, oh, I mean spouse’s name. You went to court, again…ah, your ex has a nice new car:(
    According to the family’s therapist, mine is clinical NPD!

  4. Dawn says:

    In reading this article I feel blessed that my son was 16 at the time my divorce proceedings began and his father, my narc husband, was too concern about sleeping with his adulteress than spending time with our son. As a result he didn’t put up a fight for child custody OR frequent visitations. He also refused to pay ANY child support because he chose to “wine and dine” his adulteress to make a good impression on her AND I imagine buy her sexual favors!! You see, I chose to stop having sex with him after one too many disrespectful and dishonorable actions towards me that he simply could NOT bring himself to “lower his superiority complex” to apologize!!! Apologies became a source of indignation for him over the years and he’d just as well die than admit he was wrong about anything!!! Our divorce lingered on for several years because that was another way to exert control over me. He and his attorney used several ‘starve your spouse out’ techniques to drive up my attorney’s fees. I shared his medical record with my attorney which showed his DSM diagnosis however my attorney chose to ignore it and use it to her advantage by playing along with the delay games and his refusal to respond completely to motions that we continuously filed to obtain discovery documents!! I finally realized that the attorneys on both sides were NOT interested in resolving ANY issues between us nor were they working towards any settlements on anything. They were simply ‘churning’ the case to make as much money off of my mentally ill husband. I now realiz that sharing his diagnosed mental illness worked against me not for me. My attorney had the nerves to tell me that bringing up his diagnose mental illness would appear petty and as a personal attack against him! So she simply played along with his obstruction of the divorce process and charge me more money than I should have paid her. I finally fired her for being incompetent and lazy!!! I decided to ‘settle’ for way less than I KNOW I am entitled to because PEACE is more important to me than having to check my account every two weeks to see if he complied with a court order for spousal support. Dealing with him on any level is sickening to me and I know he delights in having any semblance of control over my life (spousal support) decisions so I chose to give up on lifetime support to have peace of mind!! Not everyone can do what I did but I don’t wan to be the next NBS by staying connected to him for any support. It’s bad enough that he’s my child’s father. Sick individuals take pleasure in destruction of any kind, and that includes lives too.

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