Present and Accounted For

10 Responses

  1. That equation would be why I am divorced. My ex-husband stepped out of the equation, and left little of value in the marriage. Only in human relationships can 2-1=0. And, yes, it is a hard won lesson to learn, painful too.

  2. Karen says:

    I wish the rest of the world understood that it takes two to make a marriage, but only one to break it. I got sick of hearing “well it was a problem between the two of you”. Um, no, it was a problem with my XH who acted like everything was good while he went behind my back and had an affair when our youngest was 6 months old. I had no say in the matter and was never given a chance to work towards salvaging a marriage that I didn’t know was broken until it was too late.

    Someone was saying that it is a form of victim blaming when others ask you what your part was in the demise of the marriage. Yes, I need to work on me, everyone does, but the line of thinking that says there was something broken between you implies that you weren’t doing your part in the marriage. In my mind this leads to the thought process that you have to be perfect to keep your husband from straying. No one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. I say it was on my husband to express his unhappiness and to work with me in keeping our marriage intact and thriving. Instead, he chose to smile to my face while behind my back he racked up debt courting a good friend of ours while I was busy working full time and tending to our toddler and baby.

    • Anonymous says:

      I couldn’t agree with you more! Your story sounds almost identical to mine. The big difference is I was married for 33 years and have adult children.

      • Marie Powers says:

        Same story here (27 years for me) It is a story that I hear far too frequently. So many broken hearts and families destroyed.😪

    • So true. I think people respond that way because it is safer for them to believe that you did something to “deserve” this and that, as long as they don’t do that thing, they can avoid the same fate. It’s scary to accept that your spouse can make the choice to leave independently of your actions and behaviors.

  3. Karen says:

    I am so sorry that you ladies are also a part of this club 😕.

    I can say though, that although I would never choose to be part of this club, becoming a part of it has been a blessing in disguise. I am a much happier and healthier person now. I have so much more empathy and truly try to not judge (my former naive self wasn’t so good at that before). More importantly, I have come to realize that a vast majority of the people I respect the most are also part of this club. I only found out that tid bit after opening up about my pain to them.

    I really am praying that this experience molds me into a better person; more patient, kind, loving, forgiving, understanding, ….. And that I can continue to pay forward the love and support that I have received during this process.

  4. jessihd says:

    There is another part that I would like to add. Both people can’t work on a marriage independently and expect it to turn out well. My ex felt that we were both working on it at the same time just not together and that was enough. I say no it’s not. How can you fix the problem when you don’t identify it together and then figure out if the goal is the same. He checked out and doesn’t want to admit to it.

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