So you’re ex is getting married…
At some point, most people who have been through a divorce or major break-up discover that their ex is getting married (or recently wed). Whether the news comes via an innocuous Facebook share or through a wedding invitation in the mail, the information is likely a shock. You may find that you are surprised at the depth of your reaction. You rationalize that you shouldn’t care. But your heart isn’t listening.
You’re not crazy. And you’re not overreacting.
But you also don’t have to allow the news to derail you. At least not for long.
Here are 7 reasons that the news of your ex’s nuptials are hitting you hard. And 7 reasons that it’s not so bad.
It’s Really and Truly Over
You already knew it was over. Now you KNOW it’s over. In some deep, dark recesses of your mind, you may have been harboring dreams of reuniting and returning to the halcyon days. And those “I dos” act as a big, “I don’t” to any chances of rekindling your romance. It’s painful to face the finality of a relationship. Your ex getting married is the divorce equivalent of pulling the plug. There’s no going back.
However… This is really just perception. It was over before. The new marriage is separate from the end of your marriage. Don’t try to muddle them.
The Shock Stings
Even if you knew your ex was dating, the news of a wedding may come as a shock. And shock hurts worse because of the surprise. You’ve had time to process the end. You’ve been able to adapt to your life’s changes. And now this. At first, it may feel as though you’re back to square one as you struggle to come to terms with the new information.
However… shock fades. The surprise only lasts so long and once you have time to process this new information, its impact will lessen.
I’ve Been Replaced
The feeling of replacement is especially acute if the new spouse moved in to your ex’s life before the marriage ended. It’s so easy to become depressed over the feeling that he or she had some magic something that you did not. It’s hard not to compare and, in doing so, sell yourself short.
However… Remember that different does not mean better. Maybe the new partner has lower expectations of a spouse and will put up with behaviors that are unacceptable to you. Perhaps you were traded in for a younger model who will also be traded in when the body begins to sag. Worry less about the replacement and more about you. Besides, we all know original Coke was far superior to the new formula:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 
This post validated all my feelings of when I found out my ex is remarrying the woman he had an affair with. It’s so nice to see in print my feelings and that I am NOT overreacting ( as so many people think that are not divorced think)! The hardest thing for me is the changes he made after our 33 year marriage. He quit smoking, gambling and drinking. I could never understand why he wouldn’t do that for me( and my adult kids feel the same way) and work on our relationship.
Your thoughts did help me look at it in a different perspective … Thanks Lisa!
Amelia. My ex cheated left right and centre. He drank took coke watched porn all the time. He’d change for a day a month at a time. It NEVER lasted. He could get married tomorrow he was always with someone else so no big deal. He does not have the capacity to change long term. He couldn’t and wouldn’t fix up for me or the children and so I am thrilled he is not my husband. Your ex’s new wife is nice and shiny when that wears off do you think he has the strength of character to maintain the new him? These people marry to validate the shit they’ve put you through. It’s all for show. Don’t buy into their happy ever after. They are cheaters. Married or not. Hugs to you.
You are so welcome:)
thank you ladies for expressing exactly what im feeling. true word from the heart that only a woman in the midst can honestly express. so very validating for me. THANK YOU
Great article and so true… I struggled most with wanting a family and my ex changed his mind after we were married..then when we split he went right on to something that gave him a stepchild… it stung.. Thank you for this article
This is wonderful, Lisa! THANKS for validating my seemingly irrational feelings. 😛 😀
Only irrational to those who haven’t been there!
Thanks for your article. Funny how my brain minimizes all the hurt caused by the ex. However time and new activity will put this right. Each day I see how fortunate I am to be away from that person. Thanks a great deal.
Good article.
This is great!!
My ex of 28 years remarried a woman far younger than me 6 weeks ago.
About 6 weeks prior to their wedding I started having a few dreams about him – sort of symbolic – I was a bird and he was releasing me etc.. mostly about him releasing me…I also suddenly felt sad and unsettled even though we have been divorced 4 years and I felt over everything. I was painful and in the end I just wanted the wedding to be over asap..and couldn’t wait for the day to arrive.
I went out and caught up with friends on the day of the wedding, when my son came home he told me that a butterfly fluttered between them during their vows and then eventually flew off, and that everyone thought it was beautiful symbol of their love..
My ex. at the end of the day told our children that he felt the butterfly moment was the most special moment of the day and that he felt the butterfly was me…. WEIRD… but as much as I did feel overwhelming and surprising sadness for those 6 weeks, on the wedding day I felt a great sense of freedom – almost like a psychic attachment or bond had been broken and that on some level he had been holding me.. and had only that day chosen to release me..
By the way he was narcissistic in our marriage and felt he ‘owned’ me..
Also I have been a nail biter my whole life and the day of the wedding I spontaneously without thought or trying stopped biting my nails. It’s been 6 weeks and the thought of chewing my nails is now repulsive..
These things run far deeper spiritually than we think and we should honour our emotions – I now believe in spiritual bonds.
Beautiful:) Spread those wings!
After a 21 year marriage, divorced for 3, my ex is getting married tomorrow to the woman he had an affair with. Your words are inspiring! I’m hoping to wake up and stop biting my nails!! 😉
Thinking of you .. make sure you get out of the house for the day and have some fun or do something nice for yourself!! Sadly I started biting my nails again after about 3 months :o( weird though …
How are you feeling? I hope you did get out and do something nice for yourself!!!
You experience is exactly what I am going through now.
Silver girl- Thanks for sharing! My husband proposed to his affair partner yesterday. It will be one year since I cought this Saturday.!!He is a narc too. It was nice hearing your story of moving on.
How are you feeling about it?
Not sure anyone will read this but SilverGirl I TOTALLY relate to your post! My ex narcissistic husband will remarry November 5, 2016. I have been divorced 6 years and it still hit me like a ton of bricks. He was so cruel to me…words, actions, etc…I couldn’t get him to stop being angry and perceiving ‘injustices made to him by me!’ He raged at me for asking him to not treat me so bad. It was crazy. Now he seems calm and happy and sane. The man I feel in love with. Smoke screen probably but it still hurts. married 20 year, 3 girls. Broken family, broken future, broken home…it still hurt.
Smoke screen. This.
Ditto…
Narcissists have no empathy, and are like the schoolyard bullies who cry that no one wants to play with them and their feelings are hurt – but no one wants to play with them because they have insulted, knocked down, or otherwise demeaned or abused everyone else. My soon-to-be ex is also narcissistic, was unfaithful and borderline physically abusive, and is engaged to (if it comes to pass) the woman who will be his fourth wife. It’s painful, but in time I expect I will be relieved that he has another target for his manipulation. I hope this works out for you and your children for the better, and that you all can accept that his inadequacy is in no way your fault or your job to fix.
Your story sounds the exactly as mine, from word to word. It still hurts. He has become a better man due to a serious diagnosis and it hurts why he was a monster with me. It’s all too much to comprehend. I don’t know anything any more. My kids are hurting because soon after his departure from our family home he pushed them one side. They too felt rejected and that’s unforgivable on my part. He divorced me not the kids. Now he wants to be back in their lives.
my ex was a narcissistic and well i drove away after 8 years took 5 years to get a divorce and i felt like i was not an true american after all he was a solider and i stood by his side for everything and when he came home from war i was the one who took the abuse but when he did not want me he married another gal had a kid with her .. my dreams still are cold sweats and i fear that he will come back but i can feel freedom a little i can get what i want at the store and well i can drive somewhere without him hitting me … i still can’t date i miss certain things but the fear is still strong i’ve been to therapy and my doctor is proud of me but i have my wings but i have not achieved my goals yet… i ‘ve lost everything .. and yet baby steps and my cat i brought with me is my world… i don’t smile in fear.. but i do hope it get better and yet … will a narcissistic come back to beat me or will he start with his new wife ,,, my ex said when i ? him and i did that life is grayish and i said no he would would beat me … i’m still wanting answers but this
article does help thank you
Thank you for sharing this!
My ex left for another woman 15 years ago and immediately gave her an engagement ring, a nice one, unlike mine. They never married. I know he isn’t happy. He got a vasectomy for her but wouldn’t for me, but in the end it was better because I had the surgery and no longer had to worry. I don’t envy him or miss him anymore, but I did originally go through the hope that he would come back to me.
You make a good point- the ring, the surgery don’t indicate or create happiness.
He thought the grass was greener, but I am not sorry. I am happier now.
My ex of 5 years got remarry and I find out 5 years later online instead of him telling me. The hurt is so painful he got anger issues and wanted the single life so I give it to him after 7 years together. I never thought he would remarry to someone else so fast (less than 1 year after the divorce) and not tell me about it and I didn’t see it coming until now. I guess the book was bad and it doesn’t matter how one chapter ending is but I cant seem to move on from this news. They have kids together and I wanted children with him.
It’s funny how you all make divorce seem like a logical outcome to a marriage that may have had some bumps. EVERY marriage has bumps. Jesus Christ…the most intelligent man ever to live on earth, the one who trumped ALL the wise men that came to him side simply this about marriage: Moses gave you divorce because of the hardness of your hearts but from the time of Adam and Eve divorce was not so. (God didn’t intend for divorce) and any one who divorces save it be for fornication is committing sin. Who ever marries the woman divorced from her husband is an adulterer. END OF QUOTE. Ever wonder why after a divorce you still commit adultery? Because GOD doesn’t acknowledge divorce.
So true.Most people don’t want to accept that
God and Jesus never intended a woman to be controlled, manipulated or have a husband that was jealous and emotionally abusive to his spouse…been there and have done that…That is when divorce is totally acceptable in His eyes…A man is supposed to love his wife as Christ loves the church…Do some research and some homework…
You really need to read your Bible again, and this time, don’t stop with Deuteronomy. Also, dude: read the room.
Not everyone who gets married is Christian, just in case you forgot there are billions of people all over the world, in cultures unlike ours who have different beliefs… marriage spans cultures and religious beliefs and you have zero right to preach to anyone you don’t know. Yes marriage is different now because divorce rates are high and you probably feel as though people are simply weak and, unlike you (who are clearly better than them), they didn’t try hard enough. It’s not your place to judge anyone and I frankly have zero patience for the holier than thou bullshit. Congrats you’re going to heaven, go tell some more innocent people about it on the internet, whom you have never met, whose stories aren’t even important to you. Have you ever heard the phrase “God is love.” It’s something most people would agree on, and yet somehow you, the zealot need reminding… You are being hateful to a group of people struggling to find their way through one of the most difficult and horrible times of their entire life. They should have tried harder? Maybe you need to try harder to spread the love and spend this time you waste being mean to people online doing something to help another person… even if they are a sinner or a lesbian or an atheist or aborted their child. Instead of looking down on them, just shut up and live by example. Volunteer at a food bank, a nursing home, something not involving your church’s work. Don’t mention it to all your friends and brag about what a great and selfless human you are, just do something kind and humble and loving. Only then will you truly be a person of faith.
That was beautifully said! I think Jeremy was probably a controlling narcissist who was left by his wife and he is bitter. Just a guess but he sounds like my ex-husband.
Thank you! It honestly doesn’t matter to me much… but people like this are getting so old. Shut up and look around you… the world is vast and the people in it are vibrant and full of their own pain. It’s valid, even if you just want to feel better than them they still matter. Find someone else to abuse!
I’ve thought of this. Ex and I have been divorced for 8 years. I just remarried 5 months ago. I do wish, though, that my ex would find a “nice lady” to settle down with. I was the one who wanted the divorce, so I have some guilt over that part. I love this part of your post – “there is a reason you are no longer together. Remember that. You want the person you thought your ex was. Not the person they are. Find somebody worthy of your dreams.” True, true, true. Thanks for another super post. 🙂
Ultimately, the goal is for both people to want to see (okay, maybe not literally see!) their exes happy, even if that happy is with someone else:)
Thank you for the reminder…that we still want the man we believed him to be rather than who he is…..sorting myself out helped me over the past 8 years but he didn’t focus on self improvement and is now living in Australia and engaged to a new woman…he still has no interest in knowing me….no empathy and that is what really hurts. And our recently married daughter wonders if she ever knew him.
Try not to let him make your current life unhappy one little bit. It’s easy to say “move on,” but is excruciating to actually try to accomplish sometimes. ((Hugs))
One thing i learnt is that ex,s are good at acting up just so you may think they are happy with new partners.Usually its all just a facade, worry not. Sooner or later true colours will come out.
I lived with a man we both was married before all our kids are adults everything was good for a while I cud drive his jeep visit family we said I love you within 4 days then about 6mos into it I find out tho mural friends he his bad mouthing me at his work but to my face it was I love you wanna be with you forever we got into a fight exactly a yr later I packed left said I wasn’t coming back ever he called begged me to come back buy me a new car get married I said no I left on Feb 10 by April 19 he is in a fb official relationship still texting sending dic pics a week before he married this lady that was once his ex wth wud u think
My ex of less than a year posted of his proposal yesterday the day his mistress’ divorce was final. I don’t want him back. He is a narc that has never been faithful to anyone including his bride to be. He hasn’t changed his ways and likely never will. Our divorce was a tsunami divorce as I thought we were happier than more for 13 years. I know their happiness is not real even if hers is partial true due to the untruths he so easily lives. Our children knew nothing of the proposal and are dealing as well as can be expected. I guess I am too. I was shocked by the way in which it hit me. I knew he would propose and in fact made accurate predictions to many of his actions post divorce. But it still effected me in ways I couldn’t predict.
One great outcome… I found this site and I bought Lisa’s book. I have some of my own story written. And have been debating starting a blog. This might have been the push I need to share my story.
Thank you Lisa.
I hope you do share your story!!
She’ll have my life. (sad)
She’ll have MY life (maybe sad for her)
I had a meltdown about an hour ago after finding out my childs father got married without informing me, nor our child. He was an abusive alcoholic when we were together and when I gave him the ultimatum that it was either his family or the booze, he chose the booze. He also told me a thousand times that marriage was for suckers and he would never get married.
Now he is married (read; a sucker) to a woman he has known for 8 months and has given up drinking and doing all the things I begged him to do during our relationship to support our baby.
My reaction stunned me, as I despise the man who physically, verbally and sexually assaulted me on a regular basis. I guess he really did see me as the POS he told me I was. Worth nothing.
I’m hoping this article is accurate. He can’t keep up the facade forever…
I married my boyfriend of 12 years, met him when I was 16 and married him at 28,I had been married a decade ago, and divorced for last 7 years now, after the divorce I did meet my ex a couple of times and it was always a warm feeling, he never wanted kids, last year June he remarried and I went into complete shock, (I have been single since the divorce), and now less than a year into his marriage his wife is expecting twins.
I never thought I would hurt so much, I catch myself thinking about it all the time, we have tons of mutual friends and sometimes I get information via people, they also feel torn between us and now most of our gathering involves nly either one of us, the point being, that am very successful, an acting and a globe trotter, and rationally I do understand it all, but times like these when in the middle of the night, I am reading the above article, it hits me how much I am still thinking of the concept of ‘US’ rather than me.
Long post, but I needed to vent it out, I think I should go back to sleep and dream about my next design and take a small walk down the hill to update my blog… And I really really hope this gets over asap. I wish them well.
And I wish you well:)
I am not sure I am qualified to comment on this. I am a never married woman with no kids. I always wanted to get married and I always wanted to have children. Too late for kids now, but still hopeful about marriage.
I realize you were very young when you met this man, and he was too.
I have met more than one person who did not have children because that is what their spouse wished. Or that is what they both agreed upon. Some are still married and happy. Some are still married and miserable because they never had a child.
For me, I love children and wish I had one. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. It hurts a little when I see my ex boyfriends with children. I have to respect they have a new married life.
If you have had mutual friends all along, I hope you can maintain some of your friendships. That was something I found particularly difficult with my last break up – the fact that it was so shocking and sad that one of us (me) lost a large group of friends. I think because I was so hurt some friends felt they had to take a side. It was just awful for me to lose my social support system too.
Stay calm YS, and I wish you well.
I just leaned my Son never told me his Dad Remarried ,my Son is 34 . I’m sad by this !
My 34 year old Son never told me his Dad remarried,I just found out !
I know you as sad but reading your post actually made me happy. Only being divorced about 9 months I never thought about a time when the kids are in their 30s and I don’t ever have to hear anything about their father. I have spent my time thinking about how much their wedding or when grandbabies are born it will be so different than my family (my parents are still together). But when they are in their 20s and 30s I won’t have to hear about their time with their dad or how he spoils them. They won’t even have to tell me when he has a big change in his life… That thought is refreshing.
I’m glad I could amuse you !
I’m sad that my son couldn’t talk to me about this ,to heck with is Dad !
My ex left me and our 4 kids after 15 years of marriage to be with another woman. In less than two years he divorced me, hardly bothers with his kids, moved into a big house with her whilst we financially struggle, plays dad to her kids and in less than a week marries her. Their wedding is a big showy affair everything he refused to have when we got married. Anyway I’m really struggling and can’t stop crying. I feel so lonely and can’t seem to pull myself up. He was very cruel to me and a cheat so it hurts that he has his happy ever after whilst I’m so sad. Reading your article helped me to understand some of the emotions I’m going through and give me hope that I’ll get through the day of his wedding. Thanks.
Be strong for your kids, and remember what goes around come back around. He will reap what he sowed. Stay strong.
Hi, I am very sorry to hear it from you. I totally understand what you are feeling. My ex did the same thing to me and i am feeling totally destroyed…
😦
I felt the same way, until I learned what a facade our exes put up. While my ex and the affair partner broke up, he later remarried someone new. It seemed very unfair. I was really struggling to trust people. Meanwhile, it felt like he just got to ride off into the sunset all happy and peaceful in his new life. I later found out that his reality is far from peaceful. His marriage is polyamorous, not monogamous. Unfortunately, he couldn’t respect the poly contract and ignored his wife’s concerns over spending too much time with his playmate/girlfriend. The girlfriend also broke her contract and cheated on him with several guys without using any kind of protection. Then, the wife suddenly decides she’s interested in getting a boyfriend and continues to see him behind my ex’s back. He finds this out by spying, because he apparently has trust problems. Part of me felt a little bad for him, but none of that would have happened if he had considered his wife’s feelings.
I know it stings now, but don’t believe the facade your ex is putting out there. I wasted precious time feeling bad that he got to be happy and peaceful, when the truth is that he was pretty far from being peaceful. And I’ve made new friends and have taken big strides in rebuilding my life, even if it has been a struggle at times.
I am going through your exact same story. I have 4 kids by my ex-husband and he is about to remarried and I am very upset.
Her name is Mackenzie. I never loved anyone as much as I loved her. She left me for a man with more financial security and I haven’t seen her in a year and a half. I don’t think I ever will again either which makes it a million times worse. Thank you for the article, but I’m still distraught and I don’t think healing is going to happen for a long time.
It does take time. Longer than we want. And shorter than we need.
Married 20 divorced two years and he married his affair and they were married one year and then he died. She received his insurance money because when he married her he changed his beneficiary in the same for his retirement account he put her as the beneficiary. She’s executor of his will and instead of her putting the deed to our marital home in my children’s name as the will said she’s trying to extort money out of me to pay his credit card debt for their extravagant trips to Alaska etc. I only found out he was married after he passed away because my children would not tell me because everyone knew she was his affair. I don’t know who to go to now to fix this.
What a horrific mess! It takes so long to untangle lives and his early death sounds like it left things in limbo (not to mention the new wife who seems to have her interests in front of the kids). All around yuck:(
Hi – I like the original post…really struggling with this. I initiated a separation from a very long term marriage that had made me deeply unhappy for years. He would never discuss anything with me, had no empathy, was obstructionist and mean while presenting such a positive face to the world. All the counselling/therapy I initiated never worked and at the end I could see that he had I see now he had no intention of communicating or showing basic respect to me. I put way too much energy into wanting the marriage to work…should have left long ago but knew it would be a catastrophe for my kids. Before we split, he talked a lot about the women he wanted to approach for sex, started an emotional affair and then after I moved out started dating immediately. He now has a woman friend he has started introducing to our grown up children – that really really upset me. I am an older woman (he is 70) and although attractive, slim and engaged in life, I just haven’t got the heart to even think of dating plus it is much much harder for women my age. But I feel overwhelmed with grief and loss even though I know he is the same old man who at the end was so toxic to me. It has completely derailed me although in many many respects my life is positive.
Keep focusing on that positive. Whatever you nurture, grows. 🙂
Thank you. Needed this article.
It has hurt me that a few close friends don’t get why I am upset at his having a very serious relationship very soon after erasing me. I have been told he has every right to have a new woman as if I didn’t have a right to feel grief not only for what I had in the marriage but mainly for what I didn’t have. One friend in particular has shown no empathy even though she still gets upset by things her ex does even though they divorced years ago.
Sadly, this does happen. One of the reasons it’s important to have contact with people who do get it. Hugs.
The day I found out my ex-wife was remarried (just 2 months ago) was just as painful as the day we separated and the day our divorce was final. Although this article gives me hope, it is also a sad reminder of my loss and tearful pain. As a man I never experienced such emotion. Hopefully some day it will fade.
Me and my ex broke up officially in Feb we talked the whole time till social media showed he was interested in June 18 then we argued fought still talked thou then he married her on July 25.. Again learn throu social media. I was with him for 2 yrs the day we meet we never was apart. I loved his son who’s 9 now. I have no kids we tried never happen. We were doing well until finacinial got involved, he got over his head and everytime he saw me he saw failure. I put her in debt and got mad at me, cheated, drinking more, not comming home. Just later and later and would sleep on couch!! He is the first man I showed my true me good, bad, ugly still lady thou!! So now he married someone after 5 wks and pregnant. I’d like to say he down graded but they look amazing togather! I gained weight cuz at the end he stressed me I’m embarrassed to say I tried so hard to be perfect so he be happy that we handle the money? But he choose leave and forget about me. Lost my house, jeep repo, job, most of all me!! I’m so lost…. But then marry someone else 5 months later and a baby !! Why do some people stuff all falls togather and others left just broken! I wasn’t a cheater I struggle with him, did my own hair, didn’t spend any money on anyone but us!! Now I see they have a beautiful home on land, lake, going water parks, out to eat all the time, I tried to do it right give space? My family is over it they don’t get it. It’s get over it looser out you in debt but looser with a great life!!! Maybe it’s me…. It just hurts so much
Not just you. It’s hard to see our imagined future living without us. Try to shift your focus to you and on what you can make happen. Be so busy living your life that you don’t leave space to worry about theirs.
It will. Life moves forward in days. The pain fades over months and years. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile those two different timelines.
My ex left in Feb and just got married in July 25th after 5 wks of dating we dated for two yrs. now pregnant. Everything I wanted. I want to say his loose or he down graded but she’s smart, beautiful and a good mom. She’s been married and divorced so has he. They share custody of thets kids from other marriage just so much more in common . I wasn’t the best girlfriend but was always trying to better myself And he used me left me embarrassed and humiliated. I let him take my house, car repo, job, and credit debt… Then while we were apart he blocked me on social media so i found out about the girl wks before marriage? He was still asking me to visit I just couldn’t cuz all he took his action wasn’t proving trying to fix it. So I don’t understand the pain, why I couldn’t give him a baby! I’ve always wanted to be a mom!!! Why did he get everything while I’m hurting .. I still have to search for a job And start over. At the end of our break up all he saw was he put me in a finacinial bind and was mad At me. I would try to not talk, or ask why he wasn’t hungry anymore, he obviously now eatimg before coming home, we no longer watch tv togather was Always on his phone. I stop seeing his son which is the hardest! Being girlfriend I have no rights I get to love him but when he left I no longer got to see him.. He was the closest to my own family ,, I feel dead inside.. Like it always going to be like this.. They post pics laughing and going places when we couldn’t afford to do anything. They look so good togather I’m feeled with so much emotion I don’t understand myself much less anyone else
This article is brilliant and spot on! My ex husband left in 2014, saying it was all my fault. 6 months later found out he’d been having a ‘cyber affair’ over the internet with a woman in Colombia. My solicitor said it was a scam at the time;most people seem to agree. This woman probably wants a passport/visa to the UK. She has a 9 year old son by another man. I found pornographic emails between them from months before he left me. I have discovered, through Facebook, that they’re now engaged. A lot of people say that the photo looks ‘false’; she looks uncomfortable and like she’s just ‘putting up with it’. So whilst I totally resonate with the comments about how painful it is to see these photos, I ALSO resonate with the comments about how the new relationship may not be all it seems either! If it IS a scam it will be hilarious from one angle; he’ll have been completely suckered in and made a fool of. However, from the OTHER angle, it means that he wrecked 23 years of what I thought was happy marriage for a scam. It has also been salutary to read the other comments attached to this article and what has happened to the other people. It is just awful. One thing rings out crystal clear though from this thread; none of us are ‘alone’; it has happened to so many people, which is a ‘comfort’ in itself! Thanks for writing this article and thanks for the other comments; all most helpful!
My husband was himself a conman. I got a chuckle out of the thought that maybe his other wife was as well (sadly, she wasn’t).
And you are right- we’re not alone:)
Thank you so much for article. Today I was in a shock find out my 10 years marriage ex husband married his internet affair woman from kazastan. The saddest thing is he did not even tell our 7 year old boy. I was so upset and in tears. But after reading you article I learned it was normal for me to be upset.
I have just found out from my 10 years old boy that his dad is getting remarried. Well.. I separated from him due to his controlling behaviour and domestic violence 5 years ago. So am not surprise but very angry because he refuse to pay child maintenance for his kids ( boy 10 and girl 8) very angry. However, on the other hand, am graduating from University with a degree next week and am looking forward to start my masters programme and am very happy about my progress and less sad about his wedding.
So ladies, after reading your articles, I realised it normal to be sad but what goes around comes around. After all, I leave him for a clear reason and he is not worth my cry and sadness. So thank you for sharing your stories I felt much better knowing am not alone..
Wow! I needed to read this. I just found out my ex narcissistic boyfriend of 6 years who I had cut off contact a little under 2 yrs ago, just proposed to his girlfriend and older carbon copy of me, a woman 10 years older than him. It being splattered it all over social media made me blocke hundreds of our mutual friends, to save myself. Part of me feels like he is no being for her the man I thought he was and fell in love with, and ask myself why her….I mean he’ll probably give her everything I hoped for inspite of me. He is that kind of manipulative person who would to do that! Nonetheless The grief and shock feels like the day he discarded me like I’m re-living it all. There is some major finality. this article got me thinking that perhaps in some way him marrying this woman, a life he promised me is him trying to validate what he did to me. To sum it up This joke of a man cheated and lied our entire relationship and strung me along for years, he idealized and devalued me, then right after he brainwashed me into aborting our child, abandoned me with no remorse, accountability or closure. It appears he is a better changed man, and it’s like the ultimate betrayal. Though I know in my heart there is no way he could of throw me away, cheat on me (the former so called love of his life and soulmate) and not do it again to someone else not that I wish that on anyone. perhaps his mask will fall off for this new woman one day, but in the meantime it’s devestating. Part of me wishes his karma would come.
Well what a genuinely lovely read that has all been, and a great help to be honest!
Although my ex wife may not be getting remarried as yet, she has begun dating a fellow from a well off background! neither of us has dated anyone in 7 years of separation now, as we agreed early on that our kids were the most important focus, although that may seem hard to believe.
Both have been scared deeply by the marriage, or at least I certainly was, as she was a very narcisistic person! I have been astounded by my reaction in hearing of her moving on, and can relate very much to the feelings of replacement and ‘why couldnt she have changed like that with me!’ I truely thought i was way past caring, but it seems I am not.
It has made me realise I have been pushing away the advances of some lovely ladies for years now, and perhaps because an element of my wanted a reunion! I am amazed to even write that statement, and also know rationally that it is an obsurd want. She made my life hell! Time and the mind can really distort reality sometimes! It is most certainly time to move on!
It is the messiness of partners and my children that I dread and have dreaded! ‘Who is this guy?’ ‘I dont want him around my children’ ‘corrupting them with his money’!!! yes the mind can certainly be a power in negativity at times, when we allow it! Well there you have it, my thoughts of late, feeling good to have them written down, would certainly enjoy some commenting, all the best people, and as my nana used to say ‘And this to will pass!’ peace! I put out into the universe ‘Come to me, my next partner in love, I am at last ready for you!’ x
Love your attitude!! It sounds like you’ve reached some important realizations. Hope that lady finds you soon!
I am so sorry to read some of these comments. I never married my ex and now I am so glad I didn’t. After nearly 5 years of being broken up, he comes back to into my life 8 months ago and we talk about our future, only to find out that he just proposed to his long time girlfriend and I was totally shocked! We were just together last week! We spent so much time together, how did he have time to have another girlfriend! Now I just feel like he did me a favor because now, he is not my problem. His poor girlfriend have no idea who she’s marrying (a liar and a cheater). She probably think she has an amazing guy and no telling who else he’s seeing. I see divorce in their future. If he’s cheating before marriage, he will cheat during marriage. I’m pushing through and this will be the last time I reconsider dating an ex. Like many have said “he’s an ex for a reason”.
I find it very interesting that the comments here are almost universally from women, who indicate they were jilted. I’m a guy who endured over a decade of marriage to an alcoholic+ who is physically/mentally abusive (to me and my son), lies, and can’t keep her legs together. I praise God that my son and I got away from her.
Now I’m engaged, and she will soon discover the fact. My fiance’ and I were not involved in any manner before my marriage ended so I have a clear conscience. I’m very happy now, and looking forward to a calm, happy life. I truly doubt that she will have more than two seconds of thought about what she ruined and threw away.
It’s been several years since the divorce, and she still can’t find even one man that has an interest in her. She leads a sad, hollow personal life – if I heard tomorrow that she was getting married I would just shake my head, know the guys a loser, and wonder how she could throw away everything for a life of relative evil. Really sad.
So, to the author: your “7 reasons” doesn’t apply to all situations. I can’t say that the news would be “the worst”. The worst was watching someone destroy themselves, and ruin all that was good in their life.
I am sorry you and son went through that with your ex wife. It’s hard to see -and face the consequences- of somebody destroying their life.
Of course one post can’t address every situation. This piece doesn’t even match my own experience (my now-ex committed bigamy and the revelation of the marriage was nothing compared to the discovery of the vast deceptions). But based on the number of people who land here with the words, “My ex is getting married and it hurts,” this is a difficult transition for many.
I wish you the best in your new relationship and I hope your ex can find some peace and stability for herself and for your son.
To the author of this post I say- Thank you. These are my EXACT feelings…word for word…I’ve been grieving for so long…I’ve been grieving for 5 years (being abused and used and taken advantage of) and then to see him get married so selfishly and robbed me of the closure I needed. I felt like trash, tossed to the side especially since he married to someone with my name. It has been so hard for me because all I wanted was just to be loved. As a result of the shock of his marriage, I was diagnosed with ptsd. Things continued to get so serious for my health that I’ve been doing so much research to find out if there is a link between broken-heart syndrome and breast cancer. I suffered in silence and I’m still suffering…and to see him walk off in the sunset with someone else after I sacrificed all of me for his happiness. In the end, I found out that I was just the rebound girl…the one to be punished for the mistakes his previous ex made and how she hurt him, so he threw his darts at me…and I was innocent the whole time…flooding him with so much love and kindness, and he knew what his agenda was- it’s unfortunate that I didn’t. Things got so bad to the point where I got injured severely and I couldn’t walk for 8 months. The psychological pains became so severe to the point where I felt like I was going to die. I shared this information with him about these issues that I was facing, he then looked me in the face, cursed me with the nastiest of words, told me that the reason for my depression is because I am weak and stupid….that he didn’t care about me and he also pronounced evil over my future when he began to wish for bad things to happen to me- on my wedding day….I still cry to this day to see that he had the wedding…the pictures…the smiles…the life that I was hoping for and no one knows the truth of my experience with him because I didn’t get the opportunity to share my side of the story and it hurts even more. The possibility of him having children also hurts me, because I’m thinking, those should have been my kids….
I’m trying to move on with my life, and I feel like since I’m such an emotional wreck, no man will truly see me for who I am but just label me as crazy…trust me, I am a very kind and loving person….life has just hurt me so much and so deeply for so long and I live in constant fear of my heart being broken again….I want to start dating again…I’m 27 now and I feel like its not gonna happen anytime soon. So many things have gone hay wire for me since the break up….I’ve been forgetting things, not remembering how to cook anymore (which used to be my finest talent)… I stay up all night watching comedy shows so that I can laugh to keep from crying…I can’t sleep because I get nightmares about the possibility of him being happy…after he purposefully came into my life to destroy me, disrespect me and just didn’t care about me at all. I’ve been in counseling and trying to heal…but things just don’t seem like it will return to that point in my life where I was OK before I met him….now I’m just sad, lonely and depressed. Still, I have many talents and abilities….and I try to excel in all I do…I just keep hearing his voice in my head…reducing me to be less than a human being and laughing at my pain as he often did.
I don’t know what’s going on in their relationship….I just want to be free of him, free of his lies, free of his controlling my mind even though it’s over. I just want to be whole again….
I am so sorry you’ve been through so much. You have everything you need to feel whole. He hurt you, it feels like he broke you. But you have all the pieces and the ability to seal them back together. Sending you thoughts of strength and hope.
Thank you so much for your kind response. I need as much support as I can get. I need so much faith that my life will get better….that I deserve good things and I deserve to be loved…oh my God….this pain is so real…I become so afraid of myself sometimes…the emotional damage and no accountability…no means of escape (it feels like)….I don’t think anything is working…I was just up crying for about two hours straight….it has become the norm for me now….it’s like- If you want to know where I am or what I’m doing…it’s simple…I’m crying somewhere…and trying to hide the tears from the public eye…at one point, I almost went in the ‘fetal position’ under my working desk while on the clock…afraid to let anyone see my tear stained eyes. I just finished wiping my tears again, I looked at my face…so sad…I didn’t even see my natural beauty…I just saw sorrow, pain, anger and bitterness…and why? why me? why have I been so robbed? why wasn’t I good enough? I gave everything…will he ever suffer the consequences of what he did to me…will he ever feel my pain? it’s so unfair.
I used to run all the time. Partly trying to get away from the pain and partly because the sweat hid my tears.
It is unfair. He may be feeling the pain now. Or he may never know it. He may face consequences or he may remain unscathed. That’s a hard truth to handle. And it is very unfair.
Yet. Here you are. Living. Breathing. That’s a start. Your natural beauty is still there, waiting beneath the shower of tears. I have faith it will shine again.
prescription: take everything in your mind and seal in a box, a compartment in your brain, and don’t open this box again. When thoughts come up again, keep practicing to close it. Practice makes perfect and little by little it’s just your past journey that will make you see life in a better way. You are a person that obviously loves strong. A very good trait but it’s also a weakness if you let it. You see since you love so strongly when things happen you also hurt very strongly.
Prescription 2: workout get in the best shape possibel. A lot of what we experience can be even worse for those that aren’t producing the right chemical in the brain. Do whatever it takes to make this happen. call a friend, join gym. Seriously, we easiy get into unhealthy habits. Also don’t ever put yourself down or think you are worthless because this has a matrix effect that then you won’t want to exercise.
Last but not least, forgive your ex. Remember Jesus words on cross, “Forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing. Some people are just that clueless about others feeling, almost like a child. They don’t know what they are doing. They don’t really know how much you hurt and etc. So you see there are a lot of selfish people in the world and our society doesn’t really help in this either. Be the change and insipation to others. I’m a person that loves strongly too and I know you’re pain. You can do a lot of good in the person that you are. Take baby steps if it’s better but keep moving forward somehow. Use that strong love you have, and I wish you a good and beautiful life.
Lou
Me ex probably will remarry because his good ole boyfriend’s think he’s a hero and want to reward him even after years of abusing me and neglecting children. I don’t care what he does but my underage child will never live with him treating another woman the way he never treated his mother. This confuses and enforces a child’s thinking that it was something his mother or he said or did to make his father act this way. Not happening
My story was a little different. My ex of 3 years constantly lied to me and I tried to leave many times, but he’d apologize and I would take him back. It finally ended the day I found out he was having an affair at work with this girl he claimed he did not even talk to. I was gutted, shattered, and broken beyond belief, I didn’t even yell at him because I knew in my heart that the relationship was no longer worth fighting for. I quietly removed myself from his life, and tried so hard to focus on other things and move on. It was not an easy first 6 months – I cried daily, and felt so disrespected and embarrassed. He reached out to me many times, and I gave in and briefly spoke to him. I then found out that shortly after I broke up with him, he started a relationship with the ‘mistress’ and funny enough, he was calling me this whole time he was dating her (I didn’t even know! He actually told me he hated her and they stopped talking at work, LOL)
Well, it’s been a few years now, and I am getting married next year to the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. We are so compatible and we share a beautiful house together. Life has been completely different since I met him and this relationship is so positive and stress-free. I heard when my ex found out about my engagement he was shocked and upset – the petty side of me felt like that was the closure I needed. The cherry on top of the sundae? Heard from a lil bird that just after a few months, my ex found out his gf at the time already had a bf and was basically playing him. Hm, guess it wasn’t worth throwing away a 3 year relationship for a short fling, was it? Karma is real you guys.
Keep your head high, ladies! I went through hell and back, and now I am genuinely happier than I have ever been. I’m glad I didn’t end up marrying that lying-no-good of a “man”, I kind of feel sorry for his future wife because I have a feeling he’ll be lying and cheating constantly.
I am SO happy for you! 🙂
My ex (of 26 years) and I had an amicable divorce. Mediated in a friendly and mutual manner. Even lived together as the house took over a year to sell. The children are grown. I bought my own place and am allowing the transition (and hopefully transformation) to occur. I just woke up in the middle of the night envisioning him telling me he was getting married. Your article was reassuring as to the autonomy and empowerment I feel in embracing my single status. So, of course, I was shocked about my deep sadness and sense of loss being more definitive. I genuinely want him to be happy and I genuinely want his next chapter to be healthy. I’m pretty sure I would even like his potential bride to be. I miss many things. But we were done and we have a lot to celebrate in a relatively successful marriage. I’m not convinced people are meant to stay together for a lifetime and it’s a tough social expectation we have in our culture. My grief represents a form of gratitude for what I feel blessed to have had. I don’t feel replaced. No one can do that. Yet, I feel surprised by my fantasy of missing something that was no more. Head-scratcher and heart-tugger…
I found out my ex-BF got married Saturday to the lady he was cheating with on me. I should have known better than to stay with him in the beginning because I was his ‘cheat’ when he was engaged to another woman. I didn’t know about her until almost a year after she was out of the picture. I was so head over heels by then and thought he wouldn’t do that to me. He sure did and more. He was emotionally abusive. I was hurt when I found out. My thoughts were irrational but then I stepped back and looked at my life now. I am in a much better place now. I have a great man in my life who has never raised his voice to me and cherishes our relationship.
😊😊😊
Hello, I know I’m coming in a little late, but I wanted to say that I find it a little disappointing that everyone is imagining their ex is somehow less happy or in a somewhat less genuine relationship. I can relate to a lot of what’s being shared, but I don’t see how any self-healing will happen, when in the back of your minds you’re trying to convince yourself your ex is actually miserable. Whether he/she is or isn’t – that’s not our business anymore. Yes, your ex making a life with someone else is the final destination of your love story, but doesn’t it bring some comfort that there’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to hope for. You are truly free now – that’s an amazing feeling, once we get past the shock. Seriously, hoping or suggesting that our ex settled just because it didn’t work out with us, isn’t something to express (at least not out loud). I say this because you don’t know the private world of couples, and who knows they may just be bad enough for each other :).
Came to this page shortly after i found out my ex got married to the bitch he cheated on me with just about one and the half month after we got divorced.
I thought i didn’t care. I thought im over it. But im so overwhelmed with all the emotions at the moment. Anger, hurt, sadness..
Thank you for this post. Cause i just don’t understand why im feeling this way.
I needed this.
Here im still trying to pick up the pieces and there he is going on a honeymoon with her.
Its just so unfair it seems. I understand it his life now.. But im still trying to figure out work and life and our child’s feelings and stuff.. N he is moving on just fine.
Haiz
Sending you internet hugs. It sucks. It isn’t fair. The emotional washing machine is exhausting. And it does get better.
I am so sorry for your pain Kat. I know that pain…It will get better. I used to say, “well at least I KNOW I loved him. I was capable of a lot of love. That makes me pretty sweet and good. I can love deeply.” Your child will be your saving grace in all of this. When mine first left I couldn’t hardly breathe. You need to fill your life with all kinds of stuff that isn’t HIM. You will find the spark again. Every day make a conscious decision to NOT let your mind focus on him…or her. If your mind goes there, purposefully force it to go elsewhere. I’m telling you…it’s the only way.
And smile (on purpose), do yoga…drink wine. 🙂
I really appreciate readi g this article.Im normal.Ive gotten pass a lot of hurdles since he cheated, lied, and now ues they are getting married.I was by his sixe .He had nothing ,smoked crack during our marriage .He got the good job more money and ran met her moved in after 6 weeks.Its been 3 years separated and 1 year divorced.
This was awesome, exactly my feelings. Great! Thank you.
🙂
Thank you, I really needed to read this.
My wife has returned to me after leaving me for her ex husband for 2 months because i cheated on her. I actually gave up on my wife because i thought i have lost my wife and i wan already thinking of divorce until my neighbour told me about she got her husband back from another woman using return lover spell from This spell priestess did the same spell for me and my wife returned back to me in less than 24 hours after casting the spell. Please contact this spell temple to get your lover back.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 2 years, we had a child soon after we met. She decided to move from Virginia with a false pretense. She lied to me about her Adderall addiction, about her ex she was seeing while we were engaged and could not be truthful about anything including her promiscuities. She kidnapped my daughter to Virginia and told me she was not coming back. I pleaded and begged her to come back but she kept laughing it off. Her mom gave her really bad advice and now we are still going through a court order and she is claiming that we were married just in spite and in a desperate attempt to take money. I was happy to hear she moved on so she leaves me alone however she is taking me to court and continues to make my life hell! Trust me on this that people that lie and steal will never change and them posting their marriage and engagement is a way to show everyone how happy they are but deep inside they are the most miserable people on earth. They want you to feel this way so do not for a second give in to this and know that this is just on the surface and they are shitty people on the inside.