How I Recovered From Spousal Abandonment and Betrayal

17 Responses

  1. stilllearningtotrust says:

    Thank you Lisa! The perfect day for this to come into my life. I stopped “time stamping” the ugly events, but I know it has been ~ maybe 7 years since he walked out. My question for you and others is –do you still have memories of “bad” things pop into your head ? and what do you do with them? I will be driving on the toll way and see something and think about an awful past event. Why is this happening, now after all this time? I have not dated since the event, I did get my graduate degree and purchase my own home.
    Thanks in advance for any tips/insights.

    • Congratulations on your achievements! I do occasionally have memories pop up. Sometimes they even take my breath away. Overall, I tried to keep my life so full that they cannot set up home. They simply pass through and move on as they should

      • stilllearningtotrust says:

        Thanks Lisa! I am glad to know I am not alone….I will let them pass on through my memory.

      • Mark Hillyard says:

        What does a man do when he’s 67? I don’t think my life has ended but it isn’t going to be easy. The event knocked me on my back and I’ve been telling the doctors that I’m going to get strong again, got no choice either.
        One episode had me calling the Crisis Center to just talk to someone, I was trying to prevent another trip to the hospital and it worked. It was the VA Crisis Center and they usually deal with suicidal people, I just needed an ear. It was sort of funny, but pleasant, that the Sonora VA Clinic got the message and they’d call me asking if I wanted out and I told them to calm down.
        One thing is interesting, some days I have good energy and some days none. This morning I had to climb the roof at 5am in order to clean my smoke stack as it was smoking me out of the home. Got it done!

        Don’t ever ghost a person, especially your spouse of many years. Ghosting can hurt even people who are just dating for a short while. It’s mean! Almost killed me after 22 years with the woman.

        • stilllearning2b says:

          It won’t be easy and it can also be done. I applaud your spirit and tenacity in the face of such a horrific act. Ghosting is incredibly cruel. and the repercussions can feel endless.

          I’m so glad you have the resources you do and I’m proud of you for seeking out help. All too often, people make the mistake of thinking that they can handle this alone, when it’s too large for anybody to move through alone.

          Kudos to you for getting done what needs to be done. I hope you were able to see a beautiful sunrise from that roof:)

  2. Bowrag says:

    Excellent post! I’ll take a few tips

  3. nadine says:

    wow, again a really good post. I believe your quote of “I Did What Felt Right Rather Than What I Was “Supposed” to Do” is so incredibly important. It will be different for eveyone, and what works for and is good for one person might be complete wrong thing to do for another. Everyone has an opinion of the “necessary” course for people after a betrayal of this magnitude yet it can’t be a one size fits all method. For instance, for me: I actually met my current husband very close after separation and started dating him very close after the divorce process started with my ex. (betrayed and abandoned by Ex i might add(. It’s not something i would advise for everyone to jump back into the relationship fire so close to ending a marriage especially a betrayed one., but he was part of my grieving, teaching process not only about myself but about relationships in general. Through just being in another relationship i learned I was being emotionally abused in my first marriage and i learned i was actually a servant to my husband and expected to be from my ex and that for me i needed craved, physical displays of affection and words of affection to feel loved. Something that was opposite of my ex’s ways that he portrayed love. A non communicator and i was lucky i got a You look nice, comment from him a few times a year. Not that it was wrong that way he showed loved, it just wasn’t a way that i need ed it to be. So we were mismatched in each other’s love language. It was all wrong, and i was able to kick start the grieving process a little easier once my eyes opened to the facts that were always plainly there. A very, very, very patient person my current husband is, and also made that possible as he not only gave me space to greive but stayed by my side to be there when i needed him to be.

  4. Jeanne says:

    I am 3 years post betrayal, and two years post divorce. I could have written this article, it so closely parallels everything that I experienced. I have followed a very similar recovery path, and I have a ways to go. I am a much happier person today, though, than I have been in over ten years.

  5. Kim says:

    I appreciate your ideas. My husband just left me this week and he did it with a text message. We have two small children and have been married almost 17 years. I am really struggling right now. I still think I am going to wake up from this nightmare, but reality is, I need to move on and pick up the pieces.

    • Oh, how my heart aches for you. Of course you’re struggling right now. The shock and pain are off the Richter Scale. Your world is still shaking and you’re still trying to make sense of it. The good news- the trembling will stop. You’ll be able to take inventory of your surroundings and you WILL rebuild. Have faith in that and begin to work towards that. And know that it’s okay if all you can do today is cry. Sending you hugs and hope.

  6. Debbie says:

    Excellent read! I am in the throws of betrayal and divorce after a five and a half years long on again off again affair with my husband and a coworker. It’s just so hard to cope and battle thru each day……good days and bad. I, too, am using my anger and pain to detach.

  7. Dora Roberts says:

    Day before Thanksgiving, my husband of 34 yrs. left. Week before that, my seasonal job ended! What timing! In March of this year, my mom died. Family relationships with grown children at an all time low…….oh, yeah, car needs repairs, and still no permanent full-time job! Unemployment is taking a while to get started….Ugh!! and it’s almost Christmas……please tell me this will get better and won’t last forever……

    • stilllearning2b says:

      Talk about being hit while you’re down! I am so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this, especially all at once. It’s so hard when we face multiple things at once because we don’t have the time or energy to fully grieve, process or work on any one thing. It’s purely about survival. As awful as this is, it is temporary. As you struggle to stay afloat, pay attention to those little glimmers of hope and acknowledge any improvements (no matter how small) that do come your way. Sending you strength, comfort and hope.

  8. JULIA Ann PHILLIPS says:

    I am 2 months in to sudden abandonment & betrayal. I could have written this! I am in the depths of despair and finding myself questioning WTH just happened. This is not the man I married, my head is spinning and I feel utterly lost.

    • stilllearning2b says:

      I am so sorry you’ve experienced this. Of course your head is spinning, especially after 2 months. It’s so hard to wrap your head around the knowledge that everything you thought you knew was a false front. Sending you hugs, hope and strength. It is the end of the world you knew, but not the end of the world.

  1. March 28, 2015

    […] Take a look at a fellow blogger’s ideas on how to live after a divorce here. […]

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: