After the Affair: Are You Focusing in the Wrong Direction?

8 Responses

  1. I’ve always loved the quote about used toys being give to the less fortunate! 🙂

  2. Ellen says:

    This is a very good article although Angelina Jolie broke up two relationships – Laura Dern and Billy Bob Thornton as well as Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt. Not good character or a good role model. There’s a reason you don’t see her with ” girlfriends”.
    I do think it is fair and important to tell the truth to our kids especially if they are young adults. If there is another person involved its better to hear from the parents than from gossip. It’s also important to teach our kids the difference between right and wrong as well as respect and honesty in all relationships. Although I do believe you have to keep your emotions and views quiet around the kids, I think as a women, we have to stand up for ourselves. Our exes and their affair partners know quite well what they are doing and kids need to understand accountability. What are we teaching our kids? Taking the high road is correct and right but aren’t we teaching our kids that in the end it’s ok to behave that way? I’m just not sure sometimes what our actions teach them. To act like our exes did and then it’s ok? How can we show them without causing more damage and let history repeat itself in their future relationships?

    • Eilene says:

      I’m with you on this. My kids are too young to know about their dad’s affairs. But someday they may be able to learn from it if it were discussed without all the negative emotions.

    • I completely agree with using the situation as a learning experience for the kids. I don’t agree with pretending that what they did was okay. It’s not.

      As for Brad and Jolie, I guess I don’t keep up with Hollywood news – had no idea they were the “others”!

  3. pithewaterwarrior says:

    There is so much I could say about this great article and my experiences. First off, my/our son was a young adult, 22, and when my ex asked M. if he wanted to meet the girlfriend my son told him off and that was pretty much the end of their relationship. I was horrified that my ex was so insensitive as to ask our son that mere months after he left me. And I was livid, like seeing red rageful, at her for daring to attempt to spend time with my son. Very fear based in hindsight. I was clinging to what was left of my former life, and felt threatened that she was going to poison that too.

    I knew her and in fact we had gone on “dates” with her, I just didn’t know at the time I was on a date with my ex and his mistress. That hurt the ego a lot after the fact. So did the fact that she openly flaunted the affair in public with their coworkers, and everyone seemed to know for at least 6 weeks before I found out.

    It is such a negative trap to compare yourself. I destroyed any shred of self-esteem I had left by comparing myself and wondering how I got left for an unattractive, socially awkward, mean-spirited, alcoholic and married woman. And by married, I mean my ex decided he is polyamorous, so she will stay married. He is friends with her husband too. I almost destroyed myself before I realized if it wasn’t her, it was probably going to be someone else.

    And the last huge struggle I had was with the whole polyamory thing. For many months I blamed her for “normalizing” that lifestyle choice and “convincing” my ex that he would be happier living his life in an open marriage or with multiple long-term girlfriends. And I am pretty sure there was some of that going on because his reaction in the immediate months would indicate they probably had him convinced it would play out differently than it has. That was his choice though, his responsibility, and his consequences. They/she did not force him to do anything.

    I have found comfort in time in my belief in fate and everything happening for a reason. I am happier now than I was in my marriage. But yes, it was very easy to blame her for months. I am so grateful now though that I took the high road and never contacted her.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Loving a partner is a illusion we create in our mind.which is really a delusion, a fantasy, or insanity.. It is better to be realistic and know that real love is only for your children, The other kind of love is temporary,.

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