The Surprising Choice That May End Your Marriage

13 Responses

  1. Myrna says:

    I also took my master’s degree in HR for two years and did the same things you mentioned. My ex was very supportive and always told me how he admired my hard work and persistence to excel in class. But he told me when I took a student loan to finance my studies that he didn’t want to know how much I was putting myself in debt. After I finished in 2008 and the economy and job market was in its lowest, he would not even listen to my fears of how I would be able to pay my loans. He was very proud of me when I graduated with honors and yet at home, he won’t listen to me and would cut me off when I talked about looking for a better job or about my stumbling blocks in finding one. My ex has his bachelor’s degree but after working for 35 years with the same company, he is stuck in a middle manager position and could not work his way up anymore due to many reasons. I think, looking back, they he was a bit overwhelmed by my academic credentials after I graduated but was disappointed that I could not find a job in HR. My education may not be the main cause of the separation but it surely contributed to our marriage’s demise.

    • It’s interesting how feelings of unworthiness can be triggered by education and employment. As a culture, we are what we do. So when what we do doesn’t seem to measure up, we don’t either.

  2. annieemmy says:

    Wow. I went back to school as well and finished up my degree just a year before he left. Wow. I never considered this as a factor before. Very interesting… Definitely something to think about.

  3. Nephila says:

    I took a masters about 3 years before he cheated. It was honestly the best year of the marriage overall (so far, which may be stupidly optimistic now we have an affair scar). The reason was that I was previously a SAHM driven up the wall by the demands, loneliness and lack of support. Suddenly I was back as a *full time* student I was much happier. I had full time childcare so I could treat it like a job but with flexible hours. I suddenly had something to talk about other than vomit and breastfeeding. He was happier because I was happier.

    You make excellent points though. I am just an outlier 🙂

  4. Lisa, you make some excellent points and I can see where given the circumstances you mentioned, a partner may start looking elsewhere for love and attention.
    The issue I have is this;
    A normal healthy man or woman may find love elsewhere but they would not plot and connive to leave you in financial ruins, they would not level the blow while you are away.
    They would not marry someone else while they are still married to you.
    Those are the actions of a twisted mind; like a narcissist. He clearly wanted to make you pay in the most devastating way extract as much as he could from you financially. It took him a long time to hide money and required him to lie straight to your face, make love to you, tell you he loved you all the while knowing he was going to break your heart and leave you destitute. That is very unhealthy revenge, it is rage, it is not something a normal person would do because he felt ignored by you.
    From what I have experienced and from research I have done on narcissists they will plot for years to strip someone of all their money and can quite easily lie while looking the person right in the eye because they do not have a conscience or empathy. They are born with their brains wired wrong and it is not physically possible for them to have empathy. They have always been that way and learn from an early age to fake the emotions they see other people experiencing so they can often times live a seemingly normal life with normal relationships. On occasion they may miss the mark with some response to an event because they have never witnessed the appropriate reaction but the partner excuses it as a one of.
    A narcissist would definitely be angry about your attention being focussed on something other than him; enraged more than likely. and he most definitely would not want you to have a better education than him. But for someone to lie about it with the new woman that he married before he was divorced from you and you paid the band for, normal people do not blatantly lie about their credentials. My ex did, he was a narcissist/psychopath and I discovered about 6 years into the relationship that he had created his own diplomas . (I found the blanks and the ones he had screwed up tucked away with some other papers) These guys are the ones who are discovered practicing medicine without ever finishing school. They are the ones who are discovered with several wives across the country that none of the wives knew about. Mine was a trucker and was living with me in BC and had another one in Alberta, was trolling for more and was engaged to a woman in Sudan Africa and telling her he was going to bring her to Canada and marry her.
    I was not in school, I was working and home every night, but unbeknownst to me he was sabotaging my work truck to keep me from working and to keep me dependent on him, yet complaining bitterly about how much I was costing him. Playing the victim and making himself look like the hard working guy who was being taken advantage of.
    Yes it has a lot to do with ego. Mine finally left me also, and is now with a widow who he has talked into selling everything and investing with him, but he will always be on the lookout for another woman with more to offer and the one he is with will never be able to make him happy because it is never enough. They need to be adored and catered to at all times and can not give back, in fact even the partner getting ill enrages them.
    Many of these guys leave when the baby is born, when the woman gets cancer, or when she gets her degree; any event that takes the attention off of them.
    and you could say, ok they are immature and needy; IF they didn’t set out to strip the woman of every dime she has and ever will have, ruining the ex’s credit rating, burying them in debt.
    My ex continued to try and destroy me for two years after we split, slandered me to anyone who would listen and even called my employer trying to get me fired.
    Your ex was not just a normal guy who felt left out. He was a vindictive narcissist that set out to destroy you.

  5. I remember sitting around a U-shaped formation of tables the first week of classes with the 14 other students had been accepted into the competitive, cohort-based, community counseling graduate program along with me. The professor asked those of us who were married or in a committed, long-term relationship to stand up (I had married less than a year prior). He then told us straight to our faces that 90% of us would not make it through the program still married, in our relationship, or best case scenario with our relationships and marriage still intact. He was right. He was absolutely right.

  6. This is so true, very insightful

  1. July 7, 2017

    […] Source: The Surprising Choice That May End Your Marriage […]

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