What Would Make it All Okay?

39 Responses

  1. ” It came from using my rock bottom as a foundation for a better life.” ~

    I recently wrote a post about loneliness, and upon reading it a couple of times, I realized that the very fact that I feel that way is a sign that I am healing. My one year anniversary of the Divorce was a few weeks ago, and was pretty rough. I realized the other night, though, that I was very much wanting someone to hang out with, and that even something as empty as loneliness can be a sign that you are on the mend.

    Thanks for the great post! i played many of the same “what if” games myself, and they all would only provide temporary relief as you so eloquently put it.

  2. annieemmy says:

    Love this. I play the “what if” game from time to time and I always come to the same conclusion: I’m in the process of making everything okay for myself and everything will be okay if I just stick with it. I don’t need HIM to make things okay. I’m free. 🙂

  3. Couldn’t help but think after seeing Pistorius get ten months would it be a reasonable price to pay in the what if game. But one minute now thinking about him seems too much let alone ten months. Freedom is everything and getting to okay gives you that.

  4. Liv says:

    I play the same games…what if he’s suddenly able to,change? He’s not. It’s about accepting and moving on. Good blog hon.

  5. two years to realize this… I ask myself daily what in the world can he do to make this up to me since Im still married to him… and I cant figure out anything… 💔

  6. Nephila says:

    I don’t really agree with this. First, okay is a low bar. Nothing will ever make it *right*, nothing will ever make what they *did* okay. That’s like saying a murder can be okay. So no, nothing will make that okay, not even some inner-zen-I don’t-care-anymore delusion.

    What makes *me* okay? Justice. No question. Justice won’t give me back what I lost, and it won’t give me back what could have been. But it gets me closer to okay with every little bit of justice. I’ve seen a lot of little bits of justice. Him suffering from his conscience. Her exposing her character to others and having them recoil in horror. Doors being closed in her face. Her own marriage in turmoil.

    If it were possible, I have quite a specific list of things that would amount to justice. And that would make *me* okay, but not their actions.

    If you’ve ever seen the difference between crime victims who had the perpetrator punished properly and those who had to watch him get away with it, there’s a huge difference. There’s a reason for that.

    • I hear you. If I was waiting to be okay until he faced justice, I would still be waiting. And I would be stuck, a prisoner of my past. I made the conscious choice (informed delusion, if you will) to let go of the need for justice. He and whatever karma has in store for me are not part of my life.

  7. hlongwanetp says:

    I like the fact you didn’t victimize yourself by blaming yourself for the wrong things he did to you. You were strong and still are, it really painful what you have experience but you have overcome and let go. Many of our sisters out there hold on to a marriage or relationships that don’t give the happiness and love only pain and blueses.

    Yes I want to say what you did is because you’re strong and the world need strong woman like you. I say keep on doing what you and help other victims to overcome and let go of abusive relationships.

  8. Momma Bear says:

    I just stumbled across your blog today. Your writing is very much what I need to hear and mirrors my own situation. I will likely be staying up late to read more. Thanks for sharing. It does help some of us out here!

  9. riri1124 says:

    I totally understand where you are coming from – I really do. But I struggle in recovery because it’s difficult to not be a victim … because I WAS a victim.
    It’s hard to not be because sometimes it feels as though freeing myself frees him of his incredibly horrific deeds.
    I do want to transition from AM a victim to WAS a victim, but it seems nearly impossible when left with not only memories – the wonderful as well as the painful – when left with not only the never – ending financial shit hole, depression and self-esteem issues, but actual, very real literal permanent physical damage.
    You know I ❤️you, Lisa.
    I wish I was as strong and able to overcome my past.

    • You ARE strong enough. It sounds like you’re not ready yet. And that’s okay. We all get to that point at different times. Walk your journey, your truth❤️

      Like you, I really struggled with the idea that freeing myself meant freeing him of consequences. The thought of him getting away with it made me sick. Of course, holding onto that need was making me sick too. At some point, you’ll need to decide what matters more for you.

      Also, another thing to think about- Do you feel a difference between the phrases, “I was victimized” and “I am a victim?”

      • riri1124 says:

        I DO see the difference between the two phrases – message received.
        I was victimized. X100,000,000.
        Now, how to feel better about allowing it to happen is one thing, and it’s sometimes possible for me to know that he’s – mildly speaking – a shithead, but the truth that I face is a grim, cruel reality that tries to prove to me that I Am A Victim.
        I’m on a see-saw. And I guess I’m OK as long as after I drop to the ground, I can rise back up to the sun.

        • What a lovely image!!! I love how you use your strength at the bottom of the seesaw to launch you up:)

          Do any of the signs that scream, “victim” have an end date? For example, I was only truly able to release that label once I finished paying off the debt he left, five years on.

          • riri1124 says:

            Yeah – I think as much as there’s the whole “money isn’t everything” school of thought, money kind of is everything when you don’t have it. Or at least nearly enough of it. It’s stressful and unnecessarily cruel in my case. He could have helped me – and he admired it. But he didn’t.
            The stress exacerbates the physical condition he bestowed upon me, so that just gets my goat every.time.
            When I’m close to having crawled my way out, something else goes awry. Or just things happen – even good things – that require income that just isn’t there.
            It pisses me off to know he’s feeling no pain on any level at all.
            And, yeah, that’s an assumption, but I can pretty much guarantee it’s the truth.
            I guess I want him to hurt in some way – financial or otherwise.
            The Vindicated Victim.
            That’s what I’d like to be.
            Not probable, not possible, and doubtful it would really make a difference for more than a short while anyway.

            • It sounds like your brain understands and your heart is trying to catch up. That’s often the case.

              Another way to find vindication- live the best damn life possible. Show him his weakness and limitation by the inability for him to control you/hold you back.

  10. riri1124 says:

    Oh – yes – this post was about “what if” and what those might be in order to heal.
    And, yeah, mine have run the gamut, like things I never imagined I would even ever be possible to think up – read illegal and immoral – to do to him and her, to something as an honest, heartfelt, meaningful apology from him.
    I still feel as though the former would only get me in Trouble, and the latter may actual do me some good.
    Neither will ever happen.
    And I have to live with that.
    And why are we both up so damn early on a Sunday?💕

  11. riri1124 says:

    *admitted. Although he probably DID admire it as well…

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