I Want You to Want Me

9 Responses

  1. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves when in an abusive relationship. Almost every woman I talk to has the same belief, we are special and our special love is going to save him and the relationship. “They” say that a woman will continue to go back until she is convinced she has done everything she can to fix it. She has to exhaust every possible avenue. And the abuser can always come up with another, “:If you would only………… I wouldn’t have to get so angry” or the woman thinks “If I could just express myself in a way he can understand he would stop hurting me.”
    Outsiders looking in think it is so easy, just leave. Usually the woman has left, many times but invariably the abuser is so sorry, admits to everything they did wrong and makes all kinds of promises and the longer the victim is in the relationship the more they have invested, more time and more of their soul, they keep thinking; this time all her work is going to pay off, he finally “gets; it and he is going to appreciate her dedication, her undying love and devotion and she is going to get her “happily ever after.”
    What women don’t realize that boundaries are all interconnected and once you allow one to get broken it is easier to break another one because the abuser thinks, “I got away with that I wonder what I can get away with next” and she is busy making excuses why that boundary didn’t matter, or why it wasn’t really as bad as it seemed and before she knows it there are no black and white boundaries, her world becomes grey with no well defined boundaries. How can you defend unclear boundaries?
    Invariably abusive relationships start out as the most romantic soul mate connection, a love like no other, the abuser is a dream come true, the knight in shining armor and has some sob story about all the psycho bitches that abused him in the past and the new love is special, she is not like the others. The abuse starts slow and insidiously, undetected by the victim, a form of brain washing.
    It takes a lot of support for the victim to leave the pull is so great.
    I never understood it until at 42 I met my “soul mate” and spent the next 10 years being systematically destroyed by him. I never would have left on my own. I owe my life to his sister who stayed with us and saw the reality of the situation and told me she feared being around me because he might kill her too.
    I was a strong, independent woman who was a single working mom for years prior to meeting my abusive ex. No man would dare to be abusive with me. I couldn’t understand why women stayed. I left a shell of the woman I once was, with my dog and $5.
    Sorry for the novel, I guess it was triggering

  2. Foon says:

    I read this post from Penelope Trunk and then read other ones, including “Divorce is immature and selfish. Don’t do it”.

    This has upset me somewhat. I have recently separated from my husband of 19 years after finding out he has cheated on me, again. We have been to couples therapy and spent hours discussing issues, mostly at my arrangement. In my mind our marriage was not actually that bad, and I truly believed that it would all work out in the end, he would see sense and we would get through this… it was just another bump on the road of life.

    However, after months of being in limbo, he finally acknowledged that he didn’t want to be with me. So it’s over. We are doing the very best we can to ease the transition for our two teenaged children (they occupy the house all the time, we take week about) and there is no doubt that the kids are very much loved by both their parents.

    But now I feel bad. If divorce is so bad for the children, should I have tried harder to save the “dead horse” of a marriage? Should I have given in more about needing some sort of remorse for the lies and infidelity? Should I have just put up with the cheating and carried on playing happy families? On the whole he is not a bad man, a little arrogant for sure, but not violent or anything.

    I acknowledge that it was partly my responsibility that our relationship drifted apart, but I wasn’t the one to go outside the marriage, and I was prepared to work at fixing it. But I can’t fix a marriage on my own, it takes two.

    Can someone please reassure my that it will be ok and that I have not ruined my children’s lives by not “sticking it out”?

  3. Gilbert says:

    “I want you to want me” Truer words could not have been spoken in my marriage! I worshipped the ground my wife walked on, adored her morning, noon and night. All for 20 years with no return of affection. I thought I was the problem. Constantly seeking her love and attention but that went elsewhere. My therapist opened my eyes that this was abuse. Abuse? Neglect is abuse? At this point I knew I wasn’t the problem. After 1 session she refused to continue couples therapy. Making up my mind to stay or leave is getting easier.

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